I’m a coward and tired of pretending to try.

[buoy]

It's been a long time since I've tried. I was born smart and adaptable, so I never had to try hard to excel. Actually I spent the first half of my life just getting high as absolute fuck and told myself it's because I was coping with my and the worlds problems. I'm not sure if that was ever true or just a validation to not put in effort.

My ego quickly outpaced my effort and I made a vow, young, that I would change the world (small or big) or I would kill myself. That's been the background static of my mental landscape. All i want to be is an artist and communicate. And now I'm not even sure if that's what I want, or what my ego needs to feel validated.

I don't like anything anymore. I embrace crying because it feels like some evidence of beauty. I want to call myself a poet, but beautiful descriptions of life or struggle come to me and I don't care. I experience deeper and more intimately than those around me but what does that do if I never act on anything.

I've tried to start companies, projects, freelance, but I always come up short. I guess I don't actually care about being any of the things I've said. I don't care about being I guess.

I have a nice job but it's crushed the creativity out of me and now I no longer care about that. It's only a matter of time before I'm fired and then I won't even have that.

I keep bouncing from hope to hope, trying to find what's deep inside me to solve these answers-I try to work through these problems and actively apply myself to my goals, then it just stops.
I quit, I can't, I wont.

I'm hopelessly addicted to my phone and I've stopped caring about that. I put ZERO effort into anything and just hope to get by and I'm miserable. I break my back for people but easily thrown away.

I'm exhausted. I say I don't want the easy way, but I think that's all I'm built for and it makes me fucking miserable.

I can't hold down a job for more than a few years, I can't find sustainable peace. I've been trying to center myself but only building myself bridges further and further out into an unknown, and it's been rickety since construction.

I'm not even passionate enough to say I want to die anymore. I'm so fucking lost and sad.

 

[roommate]

Sorry you go through this!
I got a feeling that deep inside of you, you tried your best, so try to be kind for yourself.

For your phone addiction, I've used a Cat S22 Flip for a while.
The thing does 99% of what a smartphone should do, but it's so unconvient that it keeps your hands off it.
Hope that helps.

 

[ropeburns&migranes]

Other than the getting high part I relate to this so much. I never really had to try when I was younger because everything was so easy, on top of that my peers would make fun of me when I would try at something. I was hooked onto phones and the internet at a really young age so I was basically doomed from the beginning. It's gotten to the point where my attention is so abysmal I can barely read and write to study. On top of that, I can't seem to enjoy anything so sticking around in hopes of a better life is pointless. It's pretty much over for me.
Btw I like the way you type, you really do seem like the poetic type

 

[buoy]

Thanks, Burns. I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse, though I genuinely appreciate it.

I feel guilty for being blessed with a good brain and able body, but how I've absolutely squandered it. It's like the potential that bolstered me has become the greatest weapon against me at this point.

I can't give into mediocrity, nor participate with greatness. I can't blame my environment and feel better. I can't overcome. I'm pathetic.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Plenty of cowards in history have died...against their will.