Venting Im a fucking awful person i deserve to die and i recognise its the right thing to do but i just fucking cant

[coolgal82]

Im so fucking awful i hate myself so much i do so much bad shit i hate it.

the main thing that triggered it this time though is like theres some guy who joins vcs alot and is just kinda annoying but idk hes harmless but made the vcs annoying so i kinda just wanted to get rid of him (and like 2 others agreed) cus i hate when people disrupt vc my time with my besties is the reason i wake up in the mornings so we planned to talk with the owner and like we did that today and she just like dmed him asking him to not vc and he just like left and messages an apology to me and my other bestie (my main bestie sent the message shes the owner) and then he left and idk. before he left i genuinely wanted him dead and when he left i was so fucking happy but now its just switched and i feel like such a fucking awful person for doing this like it feels like we just bullied the poor guy into leaving and he'll like never get why and now im not sure if he was even that bad but idfk i dont get why i feel like this cus again a day or two ago i wanted him dead and didnt care idfk it makes no sense but i just feel so fucking awful about it

 

[shrizoid]

Im so fucking awful i hate myself so much i do so much bad shit i hate it.

the main thing that triggered it this time though is like theres some guy who joins vcs alot and is just kinda annoying but idk hes harmless but made the vcs annoying so i kinda just wanted to get rid of him (and like 2 others agreed) cus i hate when people disrupt vc my time with my besties is the reason i wake up in the mornings so we planned to talk with the owner and like we did that today and she just like dmed him asking him to not vc and he just like left and messages an apology to me and my other bestie (my main bestie sent the message shes the owner) and then he left and idk. before he left i genuinely wanted him dead and when he left i was so fucking happy but now its just switched and i feel like such a fucking awful person for doing this like it feels like we just bullied the poor guy into leaving and he'll like never get why and now im not sure if he was even that bad but idfk i dont get why i feel like this cus again a day or two ago i wanted him dead and didnt care idfk it makes no sense but i just feel so fucking awful about it

You shouldn't beat yourself up over it, some people like that can't be fixed, I also knew a guy like that and he was honestly a weirdo, so happy I got rid of him

 

[coolgal82]

You shouldn't beat yourself up over it, some people like that can't be fixed, I also knew a guy like that and he was honestly a weirdo, so happy I got rid of him

he didnt actually do anything wrong though other than be annoying and misunderstand social cues and other shit im pretty sure he was just autistic i shouldve just not done anything like he wasnt a bad guy

 

[shrizoid]

he didnt actually do anything wrong though other than be annoying and misunderstand social cues and other shit im pretty sure he was just autistic i shouldve just not done anything like he wasnt a bad guy

If it's that much of a burden on your mind, add him as a friend, apologize, and tell him how exactly he was annoying so he could work on himself or at least understand, that's what I'd do if I cared that much at least

 

[coolgal82]

If it's that much of a burden on your mind, add him as a friend, apologize, and tell him how exactly he was annoying so he could work on himself or at least understand, that's what I'd do if I cared that much at least

idk i think i'd feel worse still then though basically going "heres exactly why you suck" and idk i just wish i did nothing in the first place really.

 

[shrizoid]

idk i think i'd feel worse still then though basically going "heres exactly why you suck" and idk i just wish i did nothing in the first place really.

Not with that tone, maybe moreso with a "here's some things that you do that people dont like", I dunno tho, I'm huge for being honest. But with the main thing, regretting it won't help, you should try to forgive yourself, nobody is perfect, but I know that this is easier said than done as I've also suffered with my past mistakes with people and such

 

[coolgal82]

Not with that tone, maybe moreso with a "here's some things that you do that people dont like", I dunno tho, I'm huge for being honest. But with the main thing, regretting it won't help, you should try to forgive yourself, nobody is perfect, but I know that this is easier said than done as I've also suffered with my past mistakes with people and such

i cant forgive myself though i am just an awful person i will never be a good person its impossible

 

[shrizoid]

i cant forgive myself though i am just an awful person i will never be a good person its impossible

I know how that feels, hopefully you can get over those feelings, because I also get them as well and they are so tough to deal with

 

[coolgal82]

I know how that feels, hopefully you can get over those feelings, because I also get them as well and they are so tough to deal with

its not just feelings tbh i've determined it using logic. like logically i do bad things. i know those things are bad. i want to stop being bad. but i don't. for various reasons to each action i either just cant or don't want to even when i know theyre bad thus i am logically an awful person and i deserve death.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Firstly, I'm old (comparitively,) so I'm guessing you mean some kind of voice chat on a social media platform? I'm guessing this is a group between you and your besties? And, presumably, it's open for other people to join? Firstly, is that what everyone in the group actively wants? Do they like 'meeting' new people?

I can sympathise with feeling weird when the dynamic of a group changes because one or more new people join or leave it. For me, it's been more work situations. I'm not very social asides from here but, I think it can be quite a common thing. I've had seemingly more confident friends say they felt a bit odd because of change effectively. Especially when it involves new people or even going from one social situation to another.

I think a whole mixture of reasons causes it. Social anxiety, fear of meeting new people, fear of losing friends to them- jealousy. Differences in opinion/ personality. I don't think you should be so harsh on yourself for feeling those things.

I guess when it comes to your and your friend's actions though- I guess they could potentially hurt people. Can you make it a closed group if you don't like outsiders joining? Is that something others in the group would agree to? I don't think there's anything exactly wrong with forming a group that stays the same. But, if that's what you all want, maybe it's better not to allow others to join to begin with. Were they invited by someone there?

I think it's hard to please everyone in a group. Especially a large group of people. You probably do have to compromise now and then and maybe find yourself with people you don't get on with so well because, others in the group like them. Still, seeing as others agreed with you over this guy, he maybe was (unintentionally) making multiple people uncomfortable.

I've definitely been in a similar dilema thought process-wise though- I'm sure. I think it's more been over that I felt annoyed about something. I maybe didn't know whether it was even reasonable for me to feel annoyed. I also knew that saying something could hurt the other person to an extent, maybe hurt the friendship but, the level of my annoyance was so bad that I'd end up having to say something and then, pretty much immediately regreting it!

Yours sounds like a similar thought process. So- whatever it is that's getting to you- you can't seem to live with it. You have to act on it- whether it's reasonable to do so or not. Then, you feel guilty about it. I'm guessing you might also worry that it's asking too much of your friends? You obviously can't tell them who they can and can't see or invite into the group. (If that's also a temptation.)

I'm crap myself with social dynamics and compromise. I prefer to avoid it all together but- I suppose, if you're that upset with your behaviour and how it makes you feel afterwards, I guess you'd have to start addressing what makes you want to do it. I'm guessing it's maybe fear of abandonment by your friends ultimately? As in- maybe you don't like the dynamics of the group changing because it feels like a threat to your place in it? I'm not sure how you become more confident in other people's opinion of you though. It's something I've struggled with. I think it's why I've largely shunned friendship now (not that that's healthy.) I don't like feeling that reliant on others.

 

[coolgal82]

im ngl its the next day and i kinda dont care anymore about what i did like i feel kinda bad but eh idk how the fuck i had a breakdown over that though? especially after the night before or so (or 2-3 nights before) i had a breakdown and genuinely wanted him dead i just do not get the fucking switch like why do i feel bad? why did i feel so bad that i cut myself? i dont understand. why am i like this?

 

[ebg]

I don't think "bad" people exist in the first place. I don't think any absolutes exist in life, which quantum mechanics has shown to be true. I think a lot that has to do with feeling like a bad person is the chemicals in your brain more than the actual act itself. I think that humans are all just animals, myself included. Lol I just thought about a line I read yesterday "King Kong died for your sins". Also ignore people who judge you and call you names for things you don't have much control over. I think that a lot of people don't think about how much feeling like emotions control you make you yourself unhappy and that it's not like you are choosing that. My recommendation is medication to deal with guilt/shame/intensity, it took me a while to find the right combination. Also BEING AROUND UNDERSTANDING PEOPLE helps so much.

 

[hereornot]

I tried to do things to reach the same conclusion and face SI more easily. And it worked for a while.

But it wasn't artificial, it didn't work anymore.

 

[coolgal82]

I tried to do things to reach the same conclusion and face SI more easily. And it worked for a while.

But it wasn't artificial, it didn't work anymore.

wdym?