Venting Im a human failure

[banger12]

This is a fairly typical story I'm sure, plus it's all my fault so I'm not asking for pity or comfort. I deserve this. But it all just suddenly hit me all at once. It's like it just clicked and I suddenly fully realize how fucked I am and how much I screwed up.

It's been nearly 5 years since I graduated high school and I've done nothing with my life. Stuck living with my dad and step-mom more than 2 years after having moved away from my mom. I don't have a degree. I only have part time work. I lack many basic skills I should have. I am gross and pathetic in every way imaginable.

I hate myself for all of it.

Of course I could try to excuse it and some of my excuses could draw in some empathy. But what's the point? It's still my fault.

I miss college. I had so much fun and it used to be a big source of hope. But I'm worthless and I'll never be enough to go back.

it's even worse because I don't have anyone to show me love or comfort. Fuck I wish someone was there to listen or care.

It's foul that I'm even complaining. It's all my own fucking fault. I should accept it all but I can't. It hurts. I'm disgusting.

It wasn't supposed to go like this.

I wish I could apologize to anyone who had high hopes for me.

 

[thedevilwithin]

you have no idea how much i related to every word you just said. pretty sure we're around the same age and it seems like i'm reading my own life. i fucking hate it so much. this is torture.

 

[banger12]

you have no idea how much i related to every word you just said. pretty sure we're around the same age and it seems like i'm reading my own life. i fucking hate it so much. this is torture.

I'm so sorry man. It's a damn shame. Last year things were starting to look up and I was so naive for getting hopeful and excited. I hope in time you have an opportunity to make things better.

I have no out anymore. All I can hope is that I get my opportunity to kill myself soon

 

[CogitoMori]

I get you. I wish I could've died when I still had "potential" so nobody would ever know how useless I turned out to be

 

[MeltingBrain]

This is a fairly typical story I'm sure, plus it's all my fault so I'm not asking for pity or comfort. I deserve this. But it all just suddenly hit me all at once. It's like it just clicked and I suddenly fully realize how fucked I am and how much I screwed up.

It's been nearly 5 years since I graduated high school and I've done nothing with my life. Stuck living with my dad and step-mom more than 2 years after having moved away from my mom. I don't have a degree. I only have part time work. I lack many basic skills I should have. I am gross and pathetic in every way imaginable.

I hate myself for all of it.

Of course I could try to excuse it and some of my excuses could draw in some empathy. But what's the point? It's still my fault.

I miss college. I had so much fun and it used to be a big source of hope. But I'm worthless and I'll never be enough to go back.

it's even worse because I don't have anyone to show me love or comfort. Fuck I wish someone was there to listen or care.

It's foul that I'm even complaining. It's all my own fucking fault. I should accept it all but I can't. It hurts. I'm disgusting.

It wasn't supposed to go like this.

I wish I could apologize to anyone who had high hopes for me.

What were your expectations from life and why do you think you couldn't fulfill them ?
Also just because you are giving excuses doesn't mean they are false. "Excuses" is not always a bad word, people have real and genuine reasons why they can't get where they want.
If your excuse is something like "I was lazy" . The question you should be asking is why did you feel lazy, do you not like the work you do or is your mind not able to put in that much work before fatiguing (we all have different capacities) . Sometimes we blame our self and end it there, instead of going a level deeper where you will find more fundamental answers.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I get you. I wish I could've died when I still had "potential" so nobody would ever know how useless I turned out to be

I'm grateful my paternal grandfather died when I was 19 or 20. The disaster hadn't happened yet.

What I hate looking back is that it was avoidable. My mental development took an awful wrong turn that it didn't need to. I needed someone wiser to keep an eye on me.

 

[NoName_NoLife]

You need to stop living an "Instagram life." A lot of people live in a similar way—no one suddenly has the money for their own apartment or independent life. Everything comes with time.
I In my own life, I've come to terms with the fact that I'm nobody. I'll probably achieve nothing, and I'll spend my entire life working for little pay, but life that won't last much longer.

 

[banger12]

What were your expectations from life and why do you think you couldn't fulfill them ?
Also just because you are giving excuses doesn't mean they are false. "Excuses" is not always a bad word, people have real and genuine reasons why they can't get where they want.
If your excuse is something like "I was lazy" . The question you should be asking is why did you feel lazy, do you not like the work you do or is your mind not able to put in that much work before fatiguing (we all have different capacities) . Sometimes we blame our self and end it there, instead of going a level deeper where you will find more fundamental answers.

There are a lot of factors. But yeah large part of it was laziness, mismanagement of time when I was younger, etc. I don't expect to have everything I could ever want at 22, that's unrealistic and there would be no pride in that anyway. But I should at least have a degree by now and not be such a fucking idiot. I haven't hit even basic personal milestones most people would've hit earlier in life. But it's like the lack of educational or career achievement is what really embarrasses and hurts me. But there's a lot tbh.

As for the excuses, I grew up in a shitty household, had ADHD that went undiagnosed for a long time, and I've had 2 concussions this year which has derailed a period of progress and attainment for me. Plus autism.

But realistically I think my own flaws have always been too much to overcome and thus I never had a chance. I have never been all that bright and was never going to be smart enough to be a exceptional student, get a PhD or be a successful academic. I'm a lazy bustard too. I just suck in general.

But I haven't even achieved the basics. And now I'm stuck as this degraded she'll of my former self. I just need to die

You need to stop living an "Instagram life." A lot of people live in a similar way—no one suddenly has the money for their own apartment or independent life. Everything comes with time.
I In my own life, I've come to terms with the fact that I'm nobody. I'll probably achieve nothing, and I'll spend my entire life working for little pay, but life that won't last much longer.

Not living an "instagram life". It'd be great to have a some independence but I'm talking about a failure to achieve things much more basic than that even. I've attempted community college twice, wasted nearly 5 years and still don't have an AA. I lack basic skills. My health and mental stuff is paralyzing. Haven't hit a single social milestone. And more. I feel because of my PCS stuff I've missed out on catching back up. I feel even before I graduated high school I pissed away too much time. I feel that I was more worthless and incapable than I figured in the past and I'm disgusted by my former hubris. I let a couple terms on honor roll in my recent college attempt inspire false pride and false hope. Even had all the bad shit jot derailed it I don't think it was indicative of any positive quality in myself. I'm filth. I'm nothing.

My frustration with myself and my own failures isn't "I don't have money and my own place". It's that I fail at everything I try no matter how hard I try. And now that injuries and health complications have robbed me of my faculties I feel so fucked.

I thought things were going to get better. But I've always been a fuck up and it was all illusory.