Venting i'm always listening but i'm never heard

[iloveyouihateyou]

author's note: upon completion i realize the central idea of this post kind of goes all over the place but i feel my thoughts should still be seen regardless in case anyone relates

i was never one to talk to begin with, as i grew up i learned how to socialize better, even becoming "likable" to some extent. i feel like i'm a much better listener nowadays, but i've also noticed that i voice my own opinions or ideas less and less as time goes on.

i'll give the rundown of my average interaction: before meeting, i make a plan to go somewhere, i share my excitement, i wait.. next day comes, meet up with (2) friends, i ask "how's life been?" or recall previously mentioned event, friend shares, i listen and ask more questions about how they're feeling about x to get to know them better, give some perspective to drive along conversation, ask other friend same thing, catch up, catch up, etc... let everyone share their stories/grievances... walking, talking, vibing out...

my turn, begin to test water with half truth statements like "life's such a drag sometimes", nothing too controversial. discuss a bit, share some more pain points in similar vain to what they were saying earlier, share deeper thoughts. everyone listens, laugh every now and then to lighten mood, end my rant with "but yeah i guess that's just a part of life", friends start sharing opinions on what i say, sharing alleged solutions or their viewpoint, not really acknowledging what i say or giving me much sympathy. start hearing about how they got through "my situation" during their own life, tells me i'll be alright because they have dealt with worse... sit listening for an hour about someone's life story that started with me looking for help, not once does the subject return to me... nothing said is related to what i originally shared, barely remember my original statment, not enough time to redirect conversation, night ends. i message after saying "we should do this again sometime"...

... next time comes, nothing i said prior was acknowledged or mentioned, i open with recalling what they spoke about last time.. repeat previous steps.

of course there's alot of laughs to be had inbetween these brief moments, lots of memories to share, lots of time spent together, that sort of stuff i really appreciate and wouldn't want to lose. but i've noticed after alot of thinking, alot of sitting back and really analyzing how things play out and i'm realizing something. i realize that i don't really talk about anything that means alot to myself. like i don't get to share about my deeper thoughts or more hidden interests with others. i kind of just welcome people and direct conversation, open people up for more discussion, and sure it helps alot when you're meeting others or trying to get people comfortable, i like making others feel heard and engaged with but doing all of this, doesn't make the other person ready to listen and engage back with me. i understand not everyone likes to talk, or maybe people are shy, and that's completely fine. but with people i claim as my friend, with people i consistently listen to and keep up with, i wonder why the interest is rarely reciprocated.

i think back to 2 times where i shared some life changing stuff with them, the death of my best friend and then a very life affecting situation with an S/O, and all i remember hearing is some sorrys, some unsolicited advice, learn some more about a friend's history with the "same" situation, lots of silence, and then a smooth subject change into something.. more manageable? or relatable? less painful? oh i don't know.. the worst part is that even with these situations i shared the subject wasn't even about me and how i felt, it was about the thing surrounding me if that makes sense. like no one ever asked me how i felt, or if there was anything they could do, it kind of just felt like a subject on a podcast and then it's all forgotten shortly after listening. i thought it was just a one off thing but it's been like 2 years since i shared about my friend dying and she hasn't been brought up in conversation since the day i told them. i always wonder if i'm caring too much but whenever i think of this scenario everything around me seems to go silent. did they just forget? are they too afraid to mention it again? is the topic too sensitive? am i expecting too much from others?

i don't know i just always saw my friends as this second family, people i could grow with and be young and stupid with with no judgement. but now i just feel like i'm trying to uphold a sort of image of myself for them. the same way i do with my actual family. the same way i do with almost everyone and it makes me so sad. i don't even know where i'm going with this thread anymore. i don't even mind the advice that my friends give me like i always try to learn and listen to them but, i just wish it felt like they would listen to me first and hear me out first before they derail the conversation, i always feel like a stepping stone for others to segue into talking about themselves. maybe i promote a good sharing enviroment? for everyone but myself?... maybe my friend is a narcissist? they joke about it sometimes but i tell them they shouldn't be happy to be like that, i know of many narcissistic parents who have destroyed the lives of their families and i would hate to see him become like that but what do i know..

i just wish at the very least that my friends seemed like they remembered a word i say to them, at least remember the times that i'm taking the leap to share about myself when it's become so difficult to even open my mouth, or get out of the house, or get out of bed. i don't even want to wake up from my sleep, i wish i could just drift away into death every time i close my eyes but i don't tell my friends that. i wonder what would happen if i did? i wonder if everyone would cut me loose or care about me more somehow? i wonder if these people even count as good friends anymore, sometimes i feel like i just hang around these people just so i don't have to be by myself outside, i wonder if i'm the bad person for that? maybe i'm actually the shit friend? i have so many questions that i'll probably never get the answers to. this sea of words is becoming so complicated so let me just sum up everything: i feel lonely as fuck in my city, i feel scared of living, i don't know what i'm going to do or what i am doing, i'm too afraid to catch the bus and i'm so confused as to what i should do next. i think i need to go for a smoke now :')


this was such a mess but if you read all of this and have anything to say or share about what i said, i would be happy to hear it.. i hope you can have a nice day today!

 

[blackbeauty]

Reading this post made me feel so emotional as I see myself in it.

I think it's great you're a good listener, it's such a good and rare skill to have these days. I hope I'm not insulting your friends when I say this but I wonder if it's because we all have different levels of emotional intelligence which influences how we communicate and socialise. Sometimes people are unaware about giving others the opportunity to let all their feelings out without being interrupted and just listen.

I'm really sorry about your friend that passed away! I can sense you're still carrying the grief with you as it seems you didn't get the chance to process it with your friends in the way you had hoped? Supporting others going through grief is such a tough thing for some people as they are not sure what to say if it's not something they've had to navigate before.

You are not a bad person or a bad friend! It sounds like you do so much to connect with others. I wonder if being direct with your friends about the support you need would change how they listen to you as they could be unaware of what they are doing.

If you ever need someone to talk to, you can reach out!

Hope you have a nice day too. :)

 

[astr4]

i think sometimes we end up stuck in shitty friendships because it's what's familiar to us… you say you saw these friends as your second family so that implies you've known them for a very long time. possible you've outgrown them?

i also think we get into certain patterns with friends, like if you're always the one making plans sometimes that just becomes your role, and people will take that for granted, etc, and you're left wondering "they don't ever make plans with me, do they not care?" when it's possible they do care but that's just the limitations of the dynamic they're comfortable with. sounds like maybe they're not comfortable with these deeper more serious conversations but also yeah sounds like they might also just be a little self centred. some people don't really grow out of that which is a shame.

it sounds like maybe they're just… lacking in emotional bandwidth? emotional intelligence? which yeah makes them bad friends but maybe give them some grace because i don't think it's deliberate. and people can and do learn over time. but it's also possible maybe you've outgrown these friendships and need deeper connections? idk just my 2c!

in any case you've become a familiar user on here and you play the same video games as me i think! so i'm a little biased towards you and i think you seem like a kind person who deserves better friendships

 

[Redacted24]

You are a good, kind, caring person towards others. You listen actively - that's hard work! - and keep things flowing.

I agree that we tend to get into social patterns of behavior, where we all perform our assigned or adopted roles without even thinking about them, just out of habit.

It might be that your friends are unsure how to talk with you on the more serious subjects to the depth you crave. They might not want to ask about your loss, being afraid of reopening the deep hurt you feel, because they want to protect you. They're probably a bit unsure how to connect with you in this way, in the way you would like.

I'm a listener too. I get it. I want to be heard too, genuinely, actively. But it's hard to find.

Would you consider getting together with a subset of the group and telling them openly that you'd appreciate their advice and help, that you're struggling a bit? If they're afraid to pull open the door to your hurt, perhaps you can invite them in.

And like others here responded, there are a lot of really kind people here who would listen without judgement, and share support and experience with you gladly.

We're all in this together!

 

[meowmix]

author's note: upon completion i realize the central idea of this post kind of goes all over the place but i feel my thoughts should still be seen regardless in case anyone relates

i was never one to talk to begin with, as i grew up i learned how to socialize better, even becoming "likable" to some extent. i feel like i'm a much better listener nowadays, but i've also noticed that i voice my own opinions or ideas less and less as time goes on.

i'll give the rundown of my average interaction: before meeting, i make a plan to go somewhere, i share my excitement, i wait.. next day comes, meet up with (2) friends, i ask "how's life been?" or recall previously mentioned event, friend shares, i listen and ask more questions about how they're feeling about x to get to know them better, give some perspective to drive along conversation, ask other friend same thing, catch up, catch up, etc... let everyone share their stories/grievances... walking, talking, vibing out...

my turn, begin to test water with half truth statements like "life's such a drag sometimes", nothing too controversial. discuss a bit, share some more pain points in similar vain to what they were saying earlier, share deeper thoughts. everyone listens, laugh every now and then to lighten mood, end my rant with "but yeah i guess that's just a part of life", friends start sharing opinions on what i say, sharing alleged solutions or their viewpoint, not really acknowledging what i say or giving me much sympathy. start hearing about how they got through "my situation" during their own life, tells me i'll be alright because they have dealt with worse... sit listening for an hour about someone's life story that started with me looking for help, not once does the subject return to me... nothing said is related to what i originally shared, barely remember my original statment, not enough time to redirect conversation, night ends. i message after saying "we should do this again sometime"...

... next time comes, nothing i said prior was acknowledged or mentioned, i open with recalling what they spoke about last time.. repeat previous steps.

of course there's alot of laughs to be had inbetween these brief moments, lots of memories to share, lots of time spent together, that sort of stuff i really appreciate and wouldn't want to lose. but i've noticed after alot of thinking, alot of sitting back and really analyzing how things play out and i'm realizing something. i realize that i don't really talk about anything that means alot to myself. like i don't get to share about my deeper thoughts or more hidden interests with others. i kind of just welcome people and direct conversation, open people up for more discussion, and sure it helps alot when you're meeting others or trying to get people comfortable, i like making others feel heard and engaged with but doing all of this, doesn't make the other person ready to listen and engage back with me. i understand not everyone likes to talk, or maybe people are shy, and that's completely fine. but with people i claim as my friend, with people i consistently listen to and keep up with, i wonder why the interest is rarely reciprocated.

i think back to 2 times where i shared some life changing stuff with them, the death of my best friend and then a very life affecting situation with an S/O, and all i remember hearing is some sorrys, some unsolicited advice, learn some more about a friend's history with the "same" situation, lots of silence, and then a smooth subject change into something.. more manageable? or relatable? less painful? oh i don't know.. the worst part is that even with these situations i shared the subject wasn't even about me and how i felt, it was about the thing surrounding me if that makes sense. like no one ever asked me how i felt, or if there was anything they could do, it kind of just felt like a subject on a podcast and then it's all forgotten shortly after listening. i thought it was just a one off thing but it's been like 2 years since i shared about my friend dying and she hasn't been brought up in conversation since the day i told them. i always wonder if i'm caring too much but whenever i think of this scenario everything around me seems to go silent. did they just forget? are they too afraid to mention it again? is the topic too sensitive? am i expecting too much from others?

i don't know i just always saw my friends as this second family, people i could grow with and be young and stupid with with no judgement. but now i just feel like i'm trying to uphold a sort of image of myself for them. the same way i do with my actual family. the same way i do with almost everyone and it makes me so sad. i don't even know where i'm going with this thread anymore. i don't even mind the advice that my friends give me like i always try to learn and listen to them but, i just wish it felt like they would listen to me first and hear me out first before they derail the conversation, i always feel like a stepping stone for others to segue into talking about themselves. maybe i promote a good sharing enviroment? for everyone but myself?... maybe my friend is a narcissist? they joke about it sometimes but i tell them they shouldn't be happy to be like that, i know of many narcissistic parents who have destroyed the lives of their families and i would hate to see him become like that but what do i know..

i just wish at the very least that my friends seemed like they remembered a word i say to them, at least remember the times that i'm taking the leap to share about myself when it's become so difficult to even open my mouth, or get out of the house, or get out of bed. i don't even want to wake up from my sleep, i wish i could just drift away into death every time i close my eyes but i don't tell my friends that. i wonder what would happen if i did? i wonder if everyone would cut me loose or care about me more somehow? i wonder if these people even count as good friends anymore, sometimes i feel like i just hang around these people just so i don't have to be by myself outside, i wonder if i'm the bad person for that? maybe i'm actually the shit friend? i have so many questions that i'll probably never get the answers to. this sea of words is becoming so complicated so let me just sum up everything: i feel lonely as fuck in my city, i feel scared of living, i don't know what i'm going to do or what i am doing, i'm too afraid to catch the bus and i'm so confused as to what i should do next. i think i need to go for a smoke now :')


this was such a mess but if you read all of this and have anything to say or share about what i said, i would be happy to hear it.. i hope you can have a nice day today!

Haha me too

Haha me too

We're on the exact same boat. Nobody seems to listen to me in my friend group or anyone in general. Feel kinda like a ghost.

 

[Proxar]

I feel you, im always the one who listens but never the one who can talk about his problems. I love my friends, but i cant talk about how bad i feel becouse there is simply no response, there is alot of different people in the world, and alot of them dont know how to actually care about someone, or say but i dont blame them tbh, they are "normal" people who live their lifes and keep moving foward, but im the one who is leaving behind, every time.

 

[iloveyouihateyou]

hello peoples i will be replying to everyone in this post! before i start i just wanted to say thank you for your kind words, this post of mine felt really erratic but i felt comfortable to share it with you guys

Reading this post made me feel so emotional as I see myself in it.

I think it's great you're a good listener, it's such a good and rare skill to have these days. I hope I'm not insulting your friends when I say this but I wonder if it's because we all have different levels of emotional intelligence which influences how we communicate and socialise. Sometimes people are unaware about giving others the opportunity to let all their feelings out without being interrupted and just listen.

I'm really sorry about your friend that passed away! I can sense you're still carrying the grief with you as it seems you didn't get the chance to process it with your friends in the way you had hoped? Supporting others going through grief is such a tough thing for some people as they are not sure what to say if it's not something they've had to navigate before.

You are not a bad person or a bad friend! It sounds like you do so much to connect with others. I wonder if being direct with your friends about the support you need would change how they listen to you as they could be unaware of what they are doing.

If you ever need someone to talk to, you can reach out!

Hope you have a nice day too. :)

@blackbeauty i'm sorry that you're also experiencing similar :( it's such a confusing and isolating experience i'm sure you understand. it is really hard to listen, i didn't realize until later in life. i've been thinking of what you said, i do wonder about people's emotional intelligence and how it's affected my interactions. i guess i always just expected people to have the same mind for emotions/life events but i guess not (i don't mean it to put myself on a high horse) and that should be okay, but idk it still affects me.

and thank you, i'm sure it was pretty obvious but yes i don't think i was able to process anything properly regarding my buddy. not to get to into it but i feel i didn't get nearly enough support, i'm just so surprised by how others act sometimes :') i understand not everyone can handle it but, idk i just thought people would grow to understand. especially the people in my life who are older than me, i just thought better of them. idk..

thank you for the advice, i struggle with being direct with others for "reasons" but i have always figured that should be next move. executing it is a different idea... i really hope i'm not a bad person/friend but what do i know haha... anyways, i hope your situation improves aswell, what a shame that we feel like this :( i really appreciate your words, thank you so much.

i think sometimes we end up stuck in shitty friendships because it's what's familiar to us… you say you saw these friends as your second family so that implies you've known them for a very long time. possible you've outgrown them?

i also think we get into certain patterns with friends, like if you're always the one making plans sometimes that just becomes your role, and people will take that for granted, etc, and you're left wondering "they don't ever make plans with me, do they not care?" when it's possible they do care but that's just the limitations of the dynamic they're comfortable with. sounds like maybe they're not comfortable with these deeper more serious conversations but also yeah sounds like they might also just be a little self centred. some people don't really grow out of that which is a shame.

it sounds like maybe they're just… lacking in emotional bandwidth? emotional intelligence? which yeah makes them bad friends but maybe give them some grace because i don't think it's deliberate. and people can and do learn over time. but it's also possible maybe you've outgrown these friendships and need deeper connections? idk just my 2c!

in any case you've become a familiar user on here and you play the same video games as me i think! so i'm a little biased towards you and i think you seem like a kind person who deserves better friendships

@astr4 yeah i hear you i probably have grown used to this sort of treatment? i don't even want to go into my friendship history but this situation definitely feels like nothing new.. you're right i've known these people since college, i always figured we would always grow together but there is times where i wonder if i've outgrown them? i don't really want to believe it though :/

i'm thinking about what you said and it sounds logical, like maybe i have been unknowingly been put into a role, but it sucks because i only set out to "initiate" to develop my friendships but now it's somewhat backfired on me. it sucks that my friends are so closed off but at the same time male to male friendships can involve alot of isolation/not sharing (in my experience)... i just really wish i could share more life stuff with them cause i know we're all going through it but you're right maybe they aren't comfortable with sharing. i definitely feel like they are a bit self centered, i fear they may not grow out of it aswell cause they are older than me (maybe more set in ways?..)

it's been mentioned but yeah maybe it's a lack of emotional intelligence but at rhe same time you're right, i feel there's a good chance it isn't deliberate. with that i don't even know what to do. maybe i am outgrowing them but i don't really have anywhere to start over which is another problem... but yeah regardless of that thank you for your kind words, it really means alot to me. i hope i can better my friendships but goodness who knows at this point lol.. i hope to become more and more familiar as time goes on :D (for better or worse) and ofc i recognize your name too! i know recently i posted that i've been playing things like ow2 and league.. what games do we have in common?

You are a good, kind, caring person towards others. You listen actively - that's hard work! - and keep things flowing.

I agree that we tend to get into social patterns of behavior, where we all perform our assigned or adopted roles without even thinking about them, just out of habit.

It might be that your friends are unsure how to talk with you on the more serious subjects to the depth you crave. They might not want to ask about your loss, being afraid of reopening the deep hurt you feel, because they want to protect you. They're probably a bit unsure how to connect with you in this way, in the way you would like.

I'm a listener too. I get it. I want to be heard too, genuinely, actively. But it's hard to find.

Would you consider getting together with a subset of the group and telling them openly that you'd appreciate their advice and help, that you're struggling a bit? If they're afraid to pull open the door to your hurt, perhaps you can invite them in.

And like others here responded, there are a lot of really kind people here who would listen without judgement, and share support and experience with you gladly.

We're all in this together!

@Redacted24 thank you so much, at the very least i try to be those things you list lol.. i've just been trying to "be the change you want to see" and i guess this is the result?

yeah like mentioned earlier in the thread, i do feel that i've been assigned into a role, it just kinda sucks cause i only started initiating things because no one was inviting me anymore and i was hoping to kickstart my friends' interest in me but it doesn't seem to be working, or maybe i don't realize it's results? i try not to antagonize them cause i still care about them but yeah i can see how they could find it difficult to connect with me about this stuff or perhaps they don't know how to. yknow i have been thinking of something similar to what you recommended, i think it's worth a try but jeez it's so difficult for me to even begin to speak about the topic.. i was thinking of perhaps saying something like that at my birthday (small personal gathering) cause then people would feel obliged to listen?.. but idk i always fear i may embarass/hurt myself.

i don't want to be all "woe is me" but when people treat you like you're invisible when you try to put yourself out there it's just so disheartening, i wish i talked more and listened less sometimes... it really is hard to find a place to feel heard. but you're right despite everything i am so glad that i can atleast share my own and hear others experiences here on SaSu. thank you for sharing, i hope things can improve for you too

Haha me too

We're on the exact same boat. Nobody seems to listen to me in my friend group or anyone in general. Feel kinda like a ghost.

@meowmix i'm glad and sad that you can relate with my experience, it's so brutal isn't it ... i feel like a ghost too. it feels like people around me just hear whispers of me and look right through me. i don't even know what i did to deserve this treatment sometimes but knwoing myself, i'm sure i screwed something up down the line :/ i don't have much to say for myself other than it really hurts and if you're hurting like i am, i hope things can get better for the both of us :(

I feel you, im always the one who listens but never the one who can talk about his problems. I love my friends, but i cant talk about how bad i feel becouse there is simply no response, there is alot of different people in the world, and alot of them dont know how to actually care about someone, or say but i dont blame them tbh, they are "normal" people who live their lifes and keep moving foward, but im the one who is leaving behind, every time.

@Proxar what you have described is so accurate to what i've been thinking. i feel the same (as you know) like you can open your mouth and still you may get no response and idk what's worse someone responding something disappointing/unexpected or just getting nothing at all. like i've reached out to so many people and getting nothing back is all too familiar. it really does seem like at times that people don't know how to care, but yeah i agree i guess that is just "normal" people stuff to be able to carry on without needing all of this extra shit that i seem to do. life does seem so easy if you are someone who doesn't care about anything around you :') i hope that somehow in time you and i are both heard for what we say to others

-

and again thanks for your replies, reading your words over and over throughout the past days felt really validating and i'm so glad that people like you guys exist somewhere on this planet but i'm so sorry that we all are suffering in some sort of way :( i wish you all the best i really do