Venting i'm always the 'try hard'

[other-ghost]

I don't feel close to anyone ever. I have friends, a "best friend," a loving partner, a caring brother, supportive people around me. But I've never belonged anywhere. Never truly connected. It's not that I don't want to, I do! Desperately. I'm a huge extrovert! ENFP, even! I crave closeness and friendships. But I've come to realize that maybe.. i never truly present myslef genuinely? That's why every connection stays shallow.

I'm always surrounded by people, yet completely alone. When I try to bond, I feel like a "try hard". Pathetic, clawing for scraps of friendship. I see myself chasing people, overeager, and it's humiliating. Like playing a clown.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone would even care if I CTB? I worry about it too much, maybe it'll just be a one-day sad news, that's it. Maybe it's also better that way.

 

[Dongle]

I don't feel close to anyone ever. I have friends, a "best friend," a loving partner, a caring brother, supportive people around me. But I've never belonged anywhere. Never truly connected. It's not that I don't want to, I do! Desperately. I'm a huge extrovert! ENFP, even! I crave closeness and friendships. But I've come to realize that maybe.. i never truly present myslef genuinely? That's why every connection stays shallow.

I'm always surrounded by people, yet completely alone. When I try to bond, I feel like a "try hard". Pathetic, clawing for scraps of friendship. I see myself chasing people, overeager, and it's humiliating. Like playing a clown.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone would even care if I CTB? I worry about it too much, maybe it'll just be a one-day sad news, that's it. Maybe it's also better that way.

It sounds reasonable. If you haven't been living genuinely for a long time, it's gotta be awful trying to go through life.

You're not pathetic for wanting that friendship or companionship, I think it takes a lot to admit that you don't WANT to be this solitary shell of a person rather than just falling into anger, hate, or negativity.

If there is anyone who may listen, it might be your best friend. Maybe that's worth a shot :)

 

[Subhumano]

I dont have friends

 

[ms.astral_01]

I don't feel close to anyone ever. I have friends, a "best friend," a loving partner, a caring brother, supportive people around me. But I've never belonged anywhere. Never truly connected. It's not that I don't want to, I do! Desperately. I'm a huge extrovert! ENFP, even! I crave closeness and friendships. But I've come to realize that maybe.. i never truly present myslef genuinely? That's why every connection stays shallow.

I'm always surrounded by people, yet completely alone. When I try to bond, I feel like a "try hard". Pathetic, clawing for scraps of friendship. I see myself chasing people, overeager, and it's humiliating. Like playing a clown.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone would even care if I CTB? I worry about it too much, maybe it'll just be a one-day sad news, that's it. Maybe it's also better that way.

I understand how you feel. It's like being a Martian on planet Earth. According to others, you have everything you need for healthy relationships, but something's missing, always.
It's a vicious cycle. You feel like you're overinvesting yourself in people, hoping one of them reciprocates.

I don't think there is such a thing as "try harding" a friendship, though. We are social creatures and need one another, at least to some degree. I think what you may be referring to is how some people feel they need to "perform" (behave or act in certain ways which might please the recipient, but that may not truly reflect how you are) in relationships to get another's approval. That's totally unhealthy, because you aren't being yourself, and eventually you'll explode under the facade. It's not fulfilling to pretend to be someone you're not.

If you feel like you struggle seeking out people who may share your interests, which is in my opinion the hardest part of forming new friendships, you should participate somewhere where your interests are reflected, like a club, a Discord server, in-real-life conventions, etc. This skips the awkward vibe feel, and you immediately have a topic to bond over.

You can also message me if you'd like. I'm always happy to make new friends.

 

[other-ghost]

If you feel like you struggle seeking out people who may share your interests, which is in my opinion the hardest part of forming new friendships, you should participate somewhere where your interests are reflected, like a club, a Discord server, in-real-life conventions, etc. This skips the awkward vibe feel, and you immediately have a topic to bond over.

Thank you, really.. but I've spent my whole life talking to people who share my interests. Still feels hollow. Still not myself. It's not about the topic, it's me. I'm either forcing it, looking like a coward scrambling to "act human," or just… pathetic. Doesn't matter. Like I'm begging for scraps of connection that it keeps people away.

It sounds reasonable. If you haven't been living genuinely for a long time, it's gotta be awful trying to go through life.

You're not pathetic for wanting that friendship or companionship, I think it takes a lot to admit that you don't WANT to be this solitary shell of a person rather than just falling into anger, hate, or negativity.

If there is anyone who may listen, it might be your best friend. Maybe that's worth a shot :)

Appreciate the thought. But i dont even know what "living genuinely" is anymore. The wall's still there, even with people I've known forever. Talking to a best friend? Tried it, lots of times. Still just performance. I am truly tired of this.. But still, thank you.