coolgal82
she/her, terminally silly :3
- Sep 10, 2024
- 438
I'm such an awful person, it'd just be better for everyone else if i said dead and i can recognise that objectively but i still cant bring myself to do it because im just a selfish asshole who values myself above everyone else apparently.
Like, just earlier i was so close to doing it i had a box of pills i couldve taken them all but i pussied out, and then i went and like vented to my friends about it and all i did was just worry them, i couldve just said nothing but because im a selfish bitch that loves attention i just had to go and say something without considering their feelings. i dont deserve to have them as friends. i wish theyd realise how awful i was and just cut me off (that's like probably the worst thing that could ever happen to me but tbh i deserve it.)
All i do is negatively affect them and contribute basically nothing to the friend group whilst basically using them as like my only source of joy in this world. I'm so selfish and awful i just do that shit and yet contribute nothing to them, i provide no value whatsoever.
On top of that, ever since a recent incident i've become way too attached to them, to the point where not interacting with them for an extended period of time or feeling like theyre ignoring me or whatever causes me great distress. Even when i do interact with them, sometimes my brain just randomly decides they hate me and are going to leave me and i get super sad. The most egregious example was this one day where i posted something and one of them responded in a way which made my brain think she hated me, so i logged off of discord for hours and just got in bed and watched a movie to try distract myself. Then, a few hours later, i got the courage to check discord again and i saw a rule breaking message and asked her if i could delete it because i dont wanna delete something i shouldnt, but she didnt respond and someone else deleted it which caused me to get so mad that i had to just log off again for the rest of the day as to not start a fight (because i'd be seen as the bad one.) It was awful, one second she was the most like important person in my life and the next i just wanted her gone from the face of the earth. i even wrote a whole rant about how awful she is and sometimes i go back and read it to remind myself how awful of a person i am.
There was also the time where that same friend was interacting with someone else in another server, and i just got an intense wave of jealousy and anger as my brain decided that the person she was talking to was trying to steal her from me (as if i have any right to think like that? she can be friends with whoever she wants.) (also for some reason most of this is focused on just that one friend. sometimes i feel myself start disliking her current bestie and getting jealous. I'm fine with her boyfriend though? infact i quite like watching them interact lol theyre both great.) and i just felt like physically ill. I really wanna fully explain this stuff to them in hopes that they decide to cut contact with me, but i can't bring myself to do it, i would genuinely have nothing else without them. i'm nothing without them. my entire life is based around them they are everything to me and what do i do for them in return? fuck all.
It's so bad sometimes that when theres no vc at night i feel fucking awful. when they all went on a trip together for like a week, that week was the worst week of my life. i felt physically ill for most of it and all i could do was watch movies and constantly be worried that they were gonna realise they preferred it without me around, constantly be jealous that i couldnt be there, and constantly feel angry that they were less active online and obviously didnt care about me as much as i care about them (like whenever im on holiday even im always talking to them still) but like, as if i have any right to feel like that when im such an awful friend.
I don't know why my brain is like this sometimes i want it to stop. i hate my brain so much. I have no idea who i am anymore. My opinions/beliefs change too much (especially with every new friendgroup i find, i end up just changing to like fit in with them or atleast be able to compromise or find middle ground, and when i disagree with them i try to like rationalise why they're atleast somewhat right in my head idk. i also try and avoid any arguments because ive had multiple friendgroups where i've had a disagreement and then i just flip to like hating them and i just act really rude and leave.), and like even how i react/feel in certain situations changes. both like on a smaller and larger scale for both things. nothing about me is stable like my mood and how i feel about myself can just change over the smallest things, like earlier today for about 6 hours i was about to take those pills, but then suddenly an hour later im just super happy going for a walk and i just loved myself so much, and i just sat and watched the sun and everything just felt so good and right and perfect, i was so happy i wanted to cry, it was such a beautiful moment. then a few hours later boom gone, back to the usual emptiness.
Also semi related to that is just the constant doubting of myself, like are any of my problems real? am i making them up? am i exaggerating them? did i really feel a certain way? it gets especially bad when i see anyone with like worse symptoms/experiences than me (i've had basically no bad experiences in life, i have good parents that love me, a house, money, etc. the only "bad" stuff was school really because autism and undiagnosed (for most of it) adhd. constant meltdowns and being restrained (they didnt have the proper training for this btw and one time they just ended up dragging me through the streets back to school when i escaped. also one cunt would just sing at me whenever he restrained me because he knew i hated it. and the headteacher wouldnt let me move schools even if they clearly couldnt meet my needs.)/given detention/isolation. also never having any real long lasting friendships, and like my first friend just randomly left me, and tbf i think my second did too. then secondary school happened and i got basically kicked out, then i went into a tutoring thing and met the best man ever who changed my life basically and i loved him but then like one day he just died. i still fucking miss him. then i went to a different secondary school where they could meet my autism needs but not my educational needs so im just an idiot basically. there was also that one time where they changed my taxi driver and like i threated to jump out of a window but idk if i actually wanted to do it because my mental illness didnt really start until 16 where i suddenly started feeling dysphoria and then everything else kinda flooded in and just got worse and worse until now.)
idfk why im even writing all this i know no one probably cares or will read it im sorry. i just hate myself sm rn and i cant go on discord because i decided i dont deserve my friends so im not going back on for atleast the rest of today so im just writing stuff down in the only space i can. im sorry if im being like cringe or annoying or whatever.
Like, just earlier i was so close to doing it i had a box of pills i couldve taken them all but i pussied out, and then i went and like vented to my friends about it and all i did was just worry them, i couldve just said nothing but because im a selfish bitch that loves attention i just had to go and say something without considering their feelings. i dont deserve to have them as friends. i wish theyd realise how awful i was and just cut me off (that's like probably the worst thing that could ever happen to me but tbh i deserve it.)
All i do is negatively affect them and contribute basically nothing to the friend group whilst basically using them as like my only source of joy in this world. I'm so selfish and awful i just do that shit and yet contribute nothing to them, i provide no value whatsoever.
On top of that, ever since a recent incident i've become way too attached to them, to the point where not interacting with them for an extended period of time or feeling like theyre ignoring me or whatever causes me great distress. Even when i do interact with them, sometimes my brain just randomly decides they hate me and are going to leave me and i get super sad. The most egregious example was this one day where i posted something and one of them responded in a way which made my brain think she hated me, so i logged off of discord for hours and just got in bed and watched a movie to try distract myself. Then, a few hours later, i got the courage to check discord again and i saw a rule breaking message and asked her if i could delete it because i dont wanna delete something i shouldnt, but she didnt respond and someone else deleted it which caused me to get so mad that i had to just log off again for the rest of the day as to not start a fight (because i'd be seen as the bad one.) It was awful, one second she was the most like important person in my life and the next i just wanted her gone from the face of the earth. i even wrote a whole rant about how awful she is and sometimes i go back and read it to remind myself how awful of a person i am.
There was also the time where that same friend was interacting with someone else in another server, and i just got an intense wave of jealousy and anger as my brain decided that the person she was talking to was trying to steal her from me (as if i have any right to think like that? she can be friends with whoever she wants.) (also for some reason most of this is focused on just that one friend. sometimes i feel myself start disliking her current bestie and getting jealous. I'm fine with her boyfriend though? infact i quite like watching them interact lol theyre both great.) and i just felt like physically ill. I really wanna fully explain this stuff to them in hopes that they decide to cut contact with me, but i can't bring myself to do it, i would genuinely have nothing else without them. i'm nothing without them. my entire life is based around them they are everything to me and what do i do for them in return? fuck all.
It's so bad sometimes that when theres no vc at night i feel fucking awful. when they all went on a trip together for like a week, that week was the worst week of my life. i felt physically ill for most of it and all i could do was watch movies and constantly be worried that they were gonna realise they preferred it without me around, constantly be jealous that i couldnt be there, and constantly feel angry that they were less active online and obviously didnt care about me as much as i care about them (like whenever im on holiday even im always talking to them still) but like, as if i have any right to feel like that when im such an awful friend.
I don't know why my brain is like this sometimes i want it to stop. i hate my brain so much. I have no idea who i am anymore. My opinions/beliefs change too much (especially with every new friendgroup i find, i end up just changing to like fit in with them or atleast be able to compromise or find middle ground, and when i disagree with them i try to like rationalise why they're atleast somewhat right in my head idk. i also try and avoid any arguments because ive had multiple friendgroups where i've had a disagreement and then i just flip to like hating them and i just act really rude and leave.), and like even how i react/feel in certain situations changes. both like on a smaller and larger scale for both things. nothing about me is stable like my mood and how i feel about myself can just change over the smallest things, like earlier today for about 6 hours i was about to take those pills, but then suddenly an hour later im just super happy going for a walk and i just loved myself so much, and i just sat and watched the sun and everything just felt so good and right and perfect, i was so happy i wanted to cry, it was such a beautiful moment. then a few hours later boom gone, back to the usual emptiness.
Also semi related to that is just the constant doubting of myself, like are any of my problems real? am i making them up? am i exaggerating them? did i really feel a certain way? it gets especially bad when i see anyone with like worse symptoms/experiences than me (i've had basically no bad experiences in life, i have good parents that love me, a house, money, etc. the only "bad" stuff was school really because autism and undiagnosed (for most of it) adhd. constant meltdowns and being restrained (they didnt have the proper training for this btw and one time they just ended up dragging me through the streets back to school when i escaped. also one cunt would just sing at me whenever he restrained me because he knew i hated it. and the headteacher wouldnt let me move schools even if they clearly couldnt meet my needs.)/given detention/isolation. also never having any real long lasting friendships, and like my first friend just randomly left me, and tbf i think my second did too. then secondary school happened and i got basically kicked out, then i went into a tutoring thing and met the best man ever who changed my life basically and i loved him but then like one day he just died. i still fucking miss him. then i went to a different secondary school where they could meet my autism needs but not my educational needs so im just an idiot basically. there was also that one time where they changed my taxi driver and like i threated to jump out of a window but idk if i actually wanted to do it because my mental illness didnt really start until 16 where i suddenly started feeling dysphoria and then everything else kinda flooded in and just got worse and worse until now.)
idfk why im even writing all this i know no one probably cares or will read it im sorry. i just hate myself sm rn and i cant go on discord because i decided i dont deserve my friends so im not going back on for atleast the rest of today so im just writing stuff down in the only space i can. im sorry if im being like cringe or annoying or whatever.
