I’m angry at myself :( I missed my chance of a suicide pact

[aiyuxhan]

I'm heavily suicidal due to my chronic illnesses and chronic pain 24/7.

My husband is my caregiver. One night last year when I admitted to him that I still feel suicidal because of how much pain I was in, he stood up and said, "Let's go."

I started crying and told him, "I love you. I don't want you to go down with me like this."

He was gonna drive us to a forest where we would kill ourselves.

But, I couldn't walk out of the door because I know in reality he doesn't really want to die.

Looking back, I should have just said yes and left. And I keep thinking back to what if we did leave for the forest that night. . .

Now, I have tried asking him if he still feels suicidal, and he said, "No, I will never let myself go that low ever again."

And idk, I feel heartbroken every time I hear it.

But, in the same time, I'm glad we didn't go together that night since he doesn't authentically want to ctb.


I guess I will just go alone when I'm able to get ahold of SN. . . :/

 

[Halfhourdays]

Does your husband know how you feel?

 

[frommolecules2stars]

It really sucks in a morbid way. I don't want to ctb alone, but I most likely will have to. My bf isn't suicidal and I would never pressure him into it, EVER. But yes, I would prefer if we could ctb together. I'm not going to let him know the exact time I ctb or let him near me during it. He has said he would not interfere, and I do trust him, but seeing your loved one pass away in front of you? I wouldn't blame him if he did call 911 out of pure desperation and trauma. I can't risk it.

I'm sorry OP. It's a difficult situation to be in. Much love.

 

[encore]

i once had a person who said they wanted to die with me, and i wanted to die with them. i love them a lot still, but their rhetoric changed to being unsure shortly before we stopped communicating. they said it was external circumstances, not their feelings changing, but i don't know if i believe it anymore.

 

[Freebandzgang]

You cared about him. You cared about his life over your own. That is very empathetic of you. Dont beat yourself up over this, remind yourself you did it out of love and you chose what was best for him. You are very kind.

 

[aiyuxhan]

Does your husband know how you feel?

Yes, he does :/

It really sucks in a morbid way. I don't want to ctb alone, but I most likely will have to. My bf isn't suicidal and I would never pressure him into it, EVER. But yes, I would prefer if we could ctb together. I'm not going to let him know the exact time I ctb or let him near me during it. He has said he would not interfere, and I do trust him, but seeing your loved one pass away in front of you? I wouldn't blame him if he did call 911 out of pure desperation and trauma. I can't risk it.

I'm sorry OP. It's a difficult situation to be in. Much love.

Yeah, I understand how you feel. Does your bf know how you are feeling? And what method are you choosing?

It is a really difficult situation. I don't want to ctb alone either ;( I would want him to go with me, but like you, I don't want to make him do that when he doesn't want to you know? :( So, that's why looking back, I should have gone. But, I didn't because I love him :( It's a weird feeling

i once had a person who said they wanted to die with me, and i wanted to die with them. i love them a lot still, but their rhetoric changed to being unsure shortly before we stopped communicating. they said it was external circumstances, not their feelings changing, but i don't know if i believe it anymore.

Really? I'm so sorry :( Did they tell you what external circumstances?

You cared about him. You cared about his life over your own. That is very empathetic of you. Dont beat yourself up over this, remind yourself you did it out of love and you chose what was best for him. You are very kind.

Thank you! Your comment made me cry. It is true. I thought of him losing his life and I couldn't do it to him since I know that's not what he really wants.

I still wishes he can ctb with me, because I love him, but I'm not going to make him do that. :/

I'm trying to accept that when it does happen, he will move on without me. Makes me sad to think about because I love him forever and always.

 

[untraveler]

You clearly deeply care for each other and that seems precious.

 

[WatchmeBurn]

It would've been wrong to go with him as it sounds like it was impulsive. You did the right thing.

 

[aiyuxhan]

It would've been wrong to go with him as it sounds like it was impulsive. You did the right thing.

It was impulsive for him?

You clearly deeply care for each other and that seems precious.

Thank you! I love him. :(

 

[frommolecules2stars]

Yeah, I understand how you feel. Does your bf know how you are feeling? And what method are you choosing?

It is a really difficult situation. I don't want to ctb alone either ;( I would want him to go with me, but like you, I don't want to make him do that when he doesn't want to you know? :( So, that's why looking back, I should have gone. But, I didn't because I love him :( It's a weird feeling

He does know. He is supportive in whatever I choose. I'm very lucky to have him. He's the only person I know irl that is pro-choice for ctb. As for method, I was pretty gang-ho on SN until I came across a few threads on research chemicals. There are opioids and opioid adjacent drugs that are being sold on the clearnet. I'm tempted to ctb with them because I've heard most types of opioid OD is very peaceful. And these ones aren't intravenous so it shouldn't be too difficult. I'm hesitant as these are schedule 1 drugs and that there isn't a true guide, but I know they are very lethal.

I think the best thing for people like us is to find others who truly want to ctb and do it with them. I know we both much rather do it with our loved ones, but we can only let them decide. At least we can talk to our partners when we are gonna do it and spend every single second with them until it's time to go.

 

[aiyuxhan]

He does know. He is supportive in whatever I choose. I'm very lucky to have him. He's the only person I know irl that is pro-choice for ctb. As for method, I was pretty gang-ho on SN until I came across a few threads on research chemicals. There are opioids and opioid adjacent drugs that are being sold on the clearnet. I'm tempted to ctb with them because I've heard most types of opioid OD is very peaceful. And these ones aren't intravenous so it shouldn't be too difficult. I'm hesitant as these are schedule 1 drugs and that there isn't a true guide, but I know they are very lethal.

I think the best thing for people like us is to find others who truly want to ctb and do it with them. I know we both much rather do it with our loved ones, but we can only let them decide. At least we can talk to our partners when we are gonna do it and spend every single second with them until it's time to go.

Wow, you're really lucky to have someone who is very understanding. He doesn't want to stop you at all? Despite my chronic illnesses and chronic pain 24/7, my husband doesn't want me to go. And other people have called me selfish for wanting to not be here anymore. With my health problems and suicidal tendencies, I'm now very isolated and feel alone all the time.

Unfortunately, Idk anyone irl that want to ctb for real. Everyone is really happy with their lives and I can't blame them. At my age, everyone has reached milestones they're supposed to. Because of my health and mobility issues, I feel behind from my peers. I no longer feel like I fit in this world :/ The only one keeping me here is my husband. I'm trying my best to hold on for him, but the pain is increasing :(

 

[frommolecules2stars]

Wow, you're really lucky to have someone who is very understanding. He doesn't want to stop you at all? Despite my chronic illnesses and chronic pain 24/7, my husband doesn't want me to go. And other people have called me selfish for wanting to not be here anymore. With my health problems and suicidal tendencies, I'm now very isolated and feel alone all the time.

Unfortunately, Idk anyone irl that want to ctb for real. Everyone is really happy with their lives and I can't blame them. At my age, everyone has reached milestones they're supposed to. Because of my health and mobility issues, I feel behind from my peers. I no longer feel like I fit in this world :/ The only one keeping me here is my husband. I'm trying my best to hold on for him, but the pain is increasing :(

I'm sorry you don't have anyone supportive irl. It's very alienating to be around people like this, even if they mean it from a place of love. I can only assume the isolation is worse for you because of your health condition.

However, just like how it would be inherently selfish for you to ask your husband— who does not want to die— to ctb, it's selfish for people to ask you to stay alive for them. It's like a stalemate. Either you suffer or they suffer and there's literally no other option around it. I can't offer any advice, but I recognize that you're in between a rock and a hard place. I hope you can find solace and comfort on this forum.

 

[aiyuxhan]

He does know. He is supportive in whatever I choose. I'm very lucky to have him. He's the only person I know irl that is pro-choice for ctb. As for method, I was pretty gang-ho on SN until I came across a few threads on research chemicals. There are opioids and opioid adjacent drugs that are being sold on the clearnet. I'm tempted to ctb with them because I've heard most types of opioid OD is very peaceful. And these ones aren't intravenous so it shouldn't be too difficult. I'm hesitant as these are schedule 1 drugs and that there isn't a true guide, but I know they are very lethal.

I think the best thing for people like us is to find others who truly want to ctb and do it with them. I know we both much rather do it with our loved ones, but we can only let them decide. At least we can talk to our partners when we are gonna do it and spend every single second with them until it's time to go.i also would prefer the opioid method.

I'm sorry you don't have anyone supportive irl. It's very alienating to be around people like this, even if they mean it from a place of love. I can only assume the isolation is worse for you because of your health condition.

However, just like how it would be inherently selfish for you to ask your husband— who does not want to die— to ctb, it's selfish for people to ask you to stay alive for them. It's like a stalemate. Either you suffer or they suffer and there's literally no other option around it. I can't offer any advice, but I recognize that you're in between a rock and a hard place. I hope you can find solace and comfort on this forum.

I have asked and admitted to my husband if he would go with me. He told me he thinks it's a romantic thing to go together, but no. He's not going to do it. :( I have stopped asking since because he doesn't want to so I'm trying to accept that I will be alone when it is my time to go.

I'm really stuck. I'm not here for me anymore.