• Hey Guest,

    As you know, censorship around the world has been ramping up at an alarming pace. The UK and OFCOM has singled out this community and have been focusing its censorship efforts here. It takes a good amount of resources to maintain the infrastructure for our community and to resist this censorship. We would appreciate any and all donations.

    Bitcoin Address (BTC): 39deg9i6Zp1GdrwyKkqZU6rAbsEspvLBJt

    Ethereum (ETH): 0xd799aF8E2e5cEd14cdb344e6D6A9f18011B79BE9

    Monero (XMR): 49tuJbzxwVPUhhDjzz6H222Kh8baKe6rDEsXgE617DVSDD8UKNaXvKNU8dEVRTAFH9Av8gKkn4jDzVGF25snJgNfUfKKNC8

Sonnenblume

Sonnenblume

Sunflower Panda
Apr 6, 2018
574
Just another boring vent, feel free to ignore.

I spent most of last night sobbing into my pillow from the nerve pain. Almost every night is like this, has been since around September. Some days I can't get out of bed, too weak. I don't bother seeing any doctors any more, they're all stingy assholes with pain medication. I used to take Gabapentin but the side effects are ungodly and it didn't help anyways. After my stay in the psych ward I want nothing to do with doctors or hospitals anyways, I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing and getting sent back. It was bad enough the first time, I can't take it again. Idk what the point in this post is. My life is horrifying but I'm so afraid of failing another suicide attempt I keep stopping myself. Last time I tried killing myself I projectile vomited blood for like an hour due to overdose. This is ridiculous, why am I trapping myself in such a horrible situation. Even a painful suicide isn't as bad as this, nowhere near it. Wtf am I doing...
 
  • Like
Reactions: AntiLifeEric, Slacker, FullFat and 7 others
Safira

Safira

An empty soul isolated and fuelled by desperation
Apr 3, 2018
40
Vents aren't boring to many, at least not to me. It's good to let emotions out or just to clear your mind and verbalise (albeit mentally) some thoughts. Lets you understand whether or not you truly believe some of the things you feel. Taking this time to put it out there, perhaps even just to yourself, is healthier than keeping it purely mental.

Now, i've not had personal experience with chronic pain (the closest i've come is a harsh harsh intestinal cramp for a day and a half) so i cannot truly relate, but i want you to know i really respect you for putting up with it for so long. You've got a lot more determination than i do.

I can't provide you with realistic advice, i'm not that experienced with medication and the like, but i feel like you're keeping yourself here because your body, as much as it's fighting, wants to keep you around. Survival instinct or whatever, there's a drive somewhere within you to keep going. As hard as it may be, focusing on that (perhaps you feel irrational) drive can push you to try, for example, going to the doctor's again. If they want to give you a checkup, purely focus on what you consider the worse pain (from what you wrote i'm assuming it's the physical) so later down the line when or if the pain is gone you have the choice once more to seek relief from your mental pain. You don't need to do both now or both ever, even one is a tough step and intimidating, perhaps overwhelming. Just keep focused as much as you can on getting this pain lessened.

Second to worst case, and apologies for being cynical, there's lots of distractions you can try if you're feeling self-destructive before you ctb, such as drugs, drinking and the like. Can't get worse can it? May as well.

Sorry if this didn't help, i'd love to try and understand some more but it's okay if you don't feel comfortable sharing. I hope you can at least enjoy several minutes free of pain in the future.
 
  • Like
Reactions: lv-gras, Tiburcio and Mari
Sonnenblume

Sonnenblume

Sunflower Panda
Apr 6, 2018
574
Fear of falling is what keeps me here, that's it. I've been distracting with everything under the sun for decades now. Thank you for your response :)
 
  • Like
Reactions: AntiLifeEric, lv-gras, Tiburcio and 4 others
FullFat

FullFat

^best order at Micky-D's ever
Apr 27, 2018
374
Just another boring vent, feel free to ignore.

I spent most of last night sobbing into my pillow from the nerve pain. Almost every night is like this, has been since around September. Some days I can't get out of bed, too weak. I don't bother seeing any doctors any more, they're all stingy assholes with pain medication. I used to take Gabapentin but the side effects are ungodly and it didn't help anyways. After my stay in the psych ward I want nothing to do with doctors or hospitals anyways, I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing and getting sent back. It was bad enough the first time, I can't take it again. Idk what the point in this post is. My life is horrifying but I'm so afraid of failing another suicide attempt I keep stopping myself. Last time I tried killing myself I projectile vomited blood for like an hour due to overdose. This is ridiculous, why am I trapping myself in such a horrible situation. Even a painful suicide isn't as bad as this, nowhere near it. Wtf am I doing...
I'm so sorry about the pain meds. This opioid crisis is more about moral panic than it is compassion or shutting down predatory, corporatist doctors/pharmaceuticals.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Tiburcio

Similar threads

Lestat_201
Replies
1
Views
118
Suicide Discussion
cloudyskye
C
yearofluigi
Replies
18
Views
888
Suicide Discussion
Gone soon
Gone soon
Comfydant
Replies
14
Views
599
Suicide Discussion
Comfydant
Comfydant
homebound
Replies
1
Views
139
Recovery
timf
T
Cyagangy
Replies
0
Views
175
Suicide Discussion
Cyagangy
Cyagangy