rott3navocado
Member
- Nov 27, 2024
- 8
since november , to put it brief, I was caught with stuff I wasnt supposed to have, some people that i care about could get in trouble and now im not allowed to visit the people that I care about most in my life, the only family I considered family and now I am stuck to live in the semi-country side with a mom that only agrees with whatever her husband says. It'll take around thirty days for this to flush out of my system so the people I care about wont get in trouble after my passing. so I've waited thirty hellish days to finally ctb. In the spand of those 30 days I have documented my day to day experience as my stepdad treats me more like a foreiner then a person. My grades arent good enough to go to a uni and move out of this god awful place and I am fastforwarding killing myself before I do if I were to do it in community college. I am quite young but I admit I am a bad person, as my stepdad likes to call it. I have a victim mentality, absolutely manipulative and tries to outsmart people at any possible moment. I didn't believe this at first but I've gotten multiple things taken, more cameras around the house and I've became a shell of a person then the person I was thirty days ago. I am not a drug addict, I tried one drug one time and they're convinced I am a drug addict and on a bad path and planning to shoot up a school because I watched zero day once. which I have absolute no intention of hurting anyone else then my own. I realize that I either see people in a good or a bad light, their is no gray matter. ruining any good thing I have and self sabotaging it and now that last thing is going to be myself. I have had suicidal thoughts since I was nine years old and I finally feel like I can accomplish what I always wanted. I was diagnosed with depression at a young age and a therapist recently suggesting I might have ADHD and might have a severe chemical imbalance that is not just normal hormones which possibly, i probably dont. My family has done nothing to try to get me diagnosed because they refuse to pay for expensive medical and dont want to "enable" me if I am neurdoivergent and have mental issues. I've tried to have things to cope like alcohol but once getting caught a second time they have no sympathy for me.
I've already written out my notes out, already have SN on the way delivered to my house and I am going to kill myself around the woods near my local church. I wanted to lock my door and die on the floor with my notes already present to my friends on that exact day, but they didnt warn me they'd have guest over near Christmas time so my plans have changed. there's no stopping me, everything I have loved and known like music, art, movies and video games, friends and hangouts no longer interest me anymore. I used to be highly extroverted and have a small but comfortable amount of friends to hangout with and it wasnt like a switch flipped in my brain, no. I realized I am a terrible person and great people like those who would take time out of their day to listen to my vents, hangout with me need to know that their are better people out there. I am making the ultimate sacrifice for everyone before I spiral even further. I was never diagnoised with any crazy disorders but I found myself going on autopilot 99.9 percent of the time and feel like I am teleporting everywhere as if I was high. I'll just be walking to the bathroom and suddenly I'll get memories to walking to an old hallway I found comfort in as if I was reliving the memory like the hallway to a bathroom in a previous house I lived in, and then teleporting back. As if my brain is trying to say "well we're are so deprived of dopamine lets go back to a place where you were happy" it was genuinely trippy as I could remember the exact color of the same wallpaper, the smell of the food cooking in the kitchen next to the old bathroom and the only struggle I had was what time I was going to get on fortnite and what girl I wanted to date. I've suppressed everything to the point I've forgotten some of my close friends names but for some reason these memories keep popping up out of nowhere. lI had a dream where I saw my stepmom which was the only mother figure I had even if she wasn't blood related she made me feel like a kid when my actual mom was going around cheating. In this dream I was four again playing with the christmas lights and my stepmom told me to stop playing with them and I woke up crying to hearing the sound of her voice. I only hope I'll hear her voice again when my memories replay for a final time and I finally ctb knowing I will be in temporary bliss being a kid again
Previously I have cancelled my therapy session and planning to cancel them further, I dont want my family to pay for something thats not going to be used in the future. I always used to mourn a younger more charismatic version of myself to see if I could be even more better. but recently I've found myself not caring, it gets even worse when I am in the presence of any authority figures. My mind goes absolute blank and I am on my guard all of the time and self harm when I have a slight disagreement with them. To say to get better, to study, to do basic things like laundry but I have no motivation to do anything my mind blocks me from picking up that pile of laundry on the ground and to just sleep even if I have a decent sleep schedule. I know what is wrong with me and I am going to fix it.
For backups if I do get caught I want to be sent to my family that cares about me and have a roof over my head by people that want to see me succeed (I also wrote this in my suicide letters if they are retreived). I have no steady income or even have the grades to even look or find a job but I know family that can hook me up, I can just work my life away and save all of my money that they have spent years on me for and then ctb again but it wont matter because they'll be thousands of dollars richer. Instead of being depressed unemployed I could be depressed and being more of an investment and sell my soul away to keep someone that gives me a little bit of love everything I have.
I've already written out my notes out, already have SN on the way delivered to my house and I am going to kill myself around the woods near my local church. I wanted to lock my door and die on the floor with my notes already present to my friends on that exact day, but they didnt warn me they'd have guest over near Christmas time so my plans have changed. there's no stopping me, everything I have loved and known like music, art, movies and video games, friends and hangouts no longer interest me anymore. I used to be highly extroverted and have a small but comfortable amount of friends to hangout with and it wasnt like a switch flipped in my brain, no. I realized I am a terrible person and great people like those who would take time out of their day to listen to my vents, hangout with me need to know that their are better people out there. I am making the ultimate sacrifice for everyone before I spiral even further. I was never diagnoised with any crazy disorders but I found myself going on autopilot 99.9 percent of the time and feel like I am teleporting everywhere as if I was high. I'll just be walking to the bathroom and suddenly I'll get memories to walking to an old hallway I found comfort in as if I was reliving the memory like the hallway to a bathroom in a previous house I lived in, and then teleporting back. As if my brain is trying to say "well we're are so deprived of dopamine lets go back to a place where you were happy" it was genuinely trippy as I could remember the exact color of the same wallpaper, the smell of the food cooking in the kitchen next to the old bathroom and the only struggle I had was what time I was going to get on fortnite and what girl I wanted to date. I've suppressed everything to the point I've forgotten some of my close friends names but for some reason these memories keep popping up out of nowhere. lI had a dream where I saw my stepmom which was the only mother figure I had even if she wasn't blood related she made me feel like a kid when my actual mom was going around cheating. In this dream I was four again playing with the christmas lights and my stepmom told me to stop playing with them and I woke up crying to hearing the sound of her voice. I only hope I'll hear her voice again when my memories replay for a final time and I finally ctb knowing I will be in temporary bliss being a kid again
Previously I have cancelled my therapy session and planning to cancel them further, I dont want my family to pay for something thats not going to be used in the future. I always used to mourn a younger more charismatic version of myself to see if I could be even more better. but recently I've found myself not caring, it gets even worse when I am in the presence of any authority figures. My mind goes absolute blank and I am on my guard all of the time and self harm when I have a slight disagreement with them. To say to get better, to study, to do basic things like laundry but I have no motivation to do anything my mind blocks me from picking up that pile of laundry on the ground and to just sleep even if I have a decent sleep schedule. I know what is wrong with me and I am going to fix it.
For backups if I do get caught I want to be sent to my family that cares about me and have a roof over my head by people that want to see me succeed (I also wrote this in my suicide letters if they are retreived). I have no steady income or even have the grades to even look or find a job but I know family that can hook me up, I can just work my life away and save all of my money that they have spent years on me for and then ctb again but it wont matter because they'll be thousands of dollars richer. Instead of being depressed unemployed I could be depressed and being more of an investment and sell my soul away to keep someone that gives me a little bit of love everything I have.
