I'm getting closer to CTB because of my lost love

[Valhala]

I feel closer and closer to my CTB, as if something is irresistibly pulling me towards it. I love her so much, but I lost her trust, because I left her, she was disappointed in me and doesn't trust me, although I still feel that there is something between us, just that's why I'm still here. I know that I can't live without her and that I love her more than myself, more than anything.

 

[Natanael]

I understand you, I went through something very similar (and a combination of other things), but I can tell you from experience that the only way to overcome that feeling in case you don't manage to improve things with that person is .... let it go.

I know it sounds cliche, but our brain tends to lower the intensity of the discomfort caused, just waiting for it, it is painful, it is slow and complicated, but for some reason it happens, even if it is not so clear at the beginning.

 

[Valhala]

I understand you, I went through something very similar (and a combination of other things), but I can tell you from experience that the only way to overcome that feeling in case you don't manage to improve things with that person is .... let it go.

I know it sounds cliche, but our brain tends to lower the intensity of the discomfort caused, just waiting for it, it is painful, it is slow and complicated, but for some reason it happens, even if it is not so clear at the beginning.

Thank you for your support and advice. I know what you're writing about, I tried to let her go, but it's just not possible. Speaking from my own experience, after three marriages and a lot of emotional relationships I've been through, I have to say that this is now compared to everything else something completely different and special. I simply remained "faithful" to her even though we haven't been together for almost a year now. There is no possibility that anyone in this world can replace her, and we have never experienced such a degree of emotional, mental and physical connection, neither she nor I In everyone's life there can be that one, special person after whom nothing is the same and who nothing and no one can replace, there are few people to whom this happens and I think that only they can truly understand it. After such people, life with others can to be only a burdensome compromise for which I have neither the desire nor the capacity and I do not want to lie, neither to another person nor to myself. I also cannot be alone because I have no purpose or meaning (for numerous reasons that I would not list now), so it remains we either be with her or finally end this agony. If I do that, I have nothing and no one to regret but her, that is, the fact that we didn't manage to be together.

 

[Valhala]

Two days later the situation worsens even more, the chances of reconciliation with her seem less and less and CTB is realistically getting closer. I am slowly preparing a USB stick that will be handed over to her after I finish this. , voice recordings in which I address her and try to explain some of my actions, feelings and thoughts to her. I want it to remain as a memory of our love and how much I loved her endlessly. I'm sorry that we didn't find the strength and succeed, despite everything , her and me. The only person who could characterize my CTB as a selfish act is her, but since we are no longer in contact and since our relationship seems to be disabled, I believe that even she is denied that right. I don't have close family or relatives, friends are just friends and they live their own lives, my children are grown up and independent and have their own separate lives, we hardly have any contact. for fo, I don't see any deeper purpose in all of this. The only person who (maybe?!) really needs me and would move on is her (my only true love), but if she continues to deny it, I have no other choice but CTB.

 

[J&L383]

I feel similar to you. The love I lost was many, many years ago. People say time heals all wounds, and while that may be true for many, perhaps most, for some of us the wound just remains. I understand your desperation. I'm at a pivotal moment as well, partly due to a lost love, partly due to getting older and tired of the complaints that come with being a physical entity, and a whole host of other things. As for no other choice but killing yourself (I dislike the use of "CTB" - let's call it what it is), there are always other options - consider that one your last, and one that should be carefully considered. In the end you are entitled to whatever choices you make in life, even if it's death. At least that's how I feel. Peace to you.

 

[passer-by]

Thank you for your support and advice. I know what you're writing about, I tried to let her go, but it's just not possible. Speaking from my own experience, after three marriages and a lot of emotional relationships I've been through, I have to say that this is now compared to everything else something completely different and special. I simply remained "faithful" to her even though we haven't been together for almost a year now. There is no possibility that anyone in this world can replace her, and we have never experienced such a degree of emotional, mental and physical connection, neither she nor I In everyone's life there can be that one, special person after whom nothing is the same and who nothing and no one can replace, there are few people to whom this happens and I think that only they can truly understand it. After such people, life with others can to be only a burdensome compromise for which I have neither the desire nor the capacity and I do not want to lie, neither to another person nor to myself. I also cannot be alone because I have no purpose or meaning (for numerous reasons that I would not list now), so it remains we either be with her or finally end this agony. If I do that, I have nothing and no one to regret but her, that is, the fact that we didn't manage to be together.

I understand this. I have been told tor let go of worn out loyalties but that is simply unmanageable for me, neither I would want to do that. And I don't know how to even start wanting that.

It's like a part of your soul has been ripped away from you, part with a very specific shape and no other can fit that shape ever again. I'm being haunted by memories on daily basis, somehow they are getting more vivid instead of fading away, and even though I understand why it didn't work out, it's just not enough for me. The differences we had were way too shallow, but the connection cut to the bone.

There's no way I see out of this. I don't wanna berate people who let go easily, as it might be a healthy thing to do, but that leaves me wondering, is it because they simply never experienced this kind of connection? Or is it maybe that we're bound by trauma to this person, making it seem it was more than it really was?

 

[Natanael]

Two days later the situation worsens even more, the chances of reconciliation with her seem less and less and CTB is realistically getting closer. I am slowly preparing a USB stick that will be handed over to her after I finish this. , voice recordings in which I address her and try to explain some of my actions, feelings and thoughts to her. I want it to remain as a memory of our love and how much I loved her endlessly. I'm sorry that we didn't find the strength and succeed, despite everything , her and me. The only person who could characterize my CTB as a selfish act is her, but since we are no longer in contact and since our relationship seems to be disabled, I believe that even she is denied that right. I don't have close family or relatives, friends are just friends and they live their own lives, my children are grown up and independent and have their own separate lives, we hardly have any contact. for fo, I don't see any deeper purpose in all of this. The only person who (maybe?!) really needs me and would move on is her (my only true love), but if she continues to deny it, I have no other choice but CTB.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, I see it definitely goes beyond that, I can't encourage you to do that, as best I can I hope that in the end things work out with her or without her, maybe there are more things to live for but you are the one who decides who you live for and in this case who you die for.

As mentioned above, consider killing yourself as a last option, even if it's just trying something different in life, if it doesn't work at least you can say you tried (if you haven't already).

Many on this site end their lives for many reasons and I often come to understand why, but it is a serious choice because besides the fact that you literally end everything you know in a way that is irreversible, it will hurt others around you.

I can only wish you the best and that you can deal with that pain in some way pal

 

[qw3rty259]

I can't live without her and that I love her more than myself, more than anything.

Why did you leave her then?

 

[Valhala]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, I see it definitely goes beyond that, I can't encourage you to do that, as best I can I hope that in the end things work out with her or without her, maybe there are more things to live for but you are the one who decides who you live for and in this case who you die for.

As mentioned above, consider killing yourself as a last option, even if it's just trying something different in life, if it doesn't work at least you can say you tried (if you haven't already).

Many on this site end their lives for many reasons and I often come to understand why, but it is a serious choice because besides the fact that you literally end everything you know in a way that is irreversible, it will hurt others around you.

I can only wish you the best and that you can deal with that pain in some way pal

Thank you very much for your understanding and kind words. I know that every word you wrote is from the heart, I'm still trying to solve this problem in any way I can because I really have to try everything in my power to get her back. I've been thinking about it "hurting others" that you mention. I have no family around me or relatives, I would try to do it in some way by somehow traveling further away from my place of residence so that no one would find out what happened to me, and no one would react to my possible "disappearance" anyway because I live alone.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, I see it definitely goes beyond that, I can't encourage you to do that, as best I can I hope that in the end things work out with her or without her, maybe there are more things to live for but you are the one who decides who you live for and in this case who you die for.

As mentioned above, consider killing yourself as a last option, even if it's just trying something different in life, if it doesn't work at least you can say you tried (if you haven't already).

Many on this site end their lives for many reasons and I often come to understand why, but it is a serious choice because besides the fact that you literally end everything you know in a way that is irreversible, it will hurt others around you.

I can only wish you the best and that you can deal with that pain in some way pal

Thank you very much for your understanding and kind words. I know that every word you wrote is from the heart, I'm still trying to solve this problem in any way I can because I really have to try everything in my power to get her back. I've been thinking about it "hurting others" that you mention. I have no family around me or relatives, I would try to do it in some way by somehow traveling further away from my place of residence so that no one would find out what happened to me, and no one would react to my possible "disappearance" anyway because I live alone.

I understand this. I have been told tor let go of worn out loyalties but that is simply unmanageable for me, neither I would want to do that. And I don't know how to even start wanting that.

It's like a part of your soul has been ripped away from you, part with a very specific shape and no other can fit that shape ever again. I'm being haunted by memories on daily basis, somehow they are getting more vivid instead of fading away, and even though I understand why it didn't work out, it's just not enough for me. The differences we had were way too shallow, but the connection cut to the bone.

There's no way I see out of this. I don't wanna berate people who let go easily, as it might be a healthy thing to do, but that leaves me wondering, is it because they simply never experienced this kind of connection? Or is it maybe that we're bound by trauma to this person, making it seem it was more than it really was?

I understand this. I have been told tor let go of worn out loyalties but that is simply unmanageable for me, neither I would want to do that. And I don't know how to even start wanting that.

It's like a part of your soul has been ripped away from you, part with a very specific shape and no other can fit that shape ever again. I'm being haunted by memories on daily basis, somehow they are getting more vivid instead of fading away, and even though I understand why it didn't work out, it's just not enough for me. The differences we had were way too shallow, but the connection cut to the bone.

There's no way I see out of this. I don't wanna berate people who let go easily, as it might be a healthy thing to do, but that leaves me wondering, is it because they simply never experienced this kind of connection? Or is it maybe that we're bound by trauma to this person, making it seem it was more than it really was?

Dear friend, I sincerely sympathize with you because we are in a similar situation. I think you answered the question you asked yourself. Those who let go have certainly not experienced these feelings and this kind of vwza, because I have often been able to let someone go, maybe not always easy, but I was able to do it. Now I know that it is impossible because over time everything only gets stronger and I am unable to function without her. There is also the possibility that we are traumatized, I don't want to deny that, but whatever you call it, the problem remains. further. This love I feel for her and the need to do everything for her is indescribable, my mistakes break me and kill me and I know that without her there is no further. I know you understand what I'm talking about.

Why did you leave her then?

I broke off the relationship because of the enormous pressure I was exposed to at the time. After breaking up with my ex-partner for many years because of us, business problems and moving, I didn't have enough strength to devote myself properly to our relationship despite the fact that I loved her immensely all the time. I broke off the relationship hastily and several times instead of solving the problems together, I broke it off. I made a mistake and I regret it bitterly. She is a gentle and sensitive soul, it hurt terribly, she lost trust in me, which is completely understandable. Without her, I no more life, unfortunately.

 

[Valhala]

Through some friends, I found out that she still often thinks about me and us, however, she is still angry and disappointed, also most of her posts on social networks are quite directly addressed to me. It's been almost a year since then and we're both still thinking about each other. I feel that the bond between us is strong and unbreakable in some special way, which unfortunately doesn't necessarily mean that we'll ever be together again. She's the only thing that still keeps me hold on here, I'll give everything more time and try everything to somehow reconcile and get back together.

 

[Valhala]

Time passes and I don't see any possible solution to my situation with her. We have been separated for almost a year now. Based on some information, I know that she doesn't care either and that somewhere she is aware (like me) that she can never do that with anyone else. to have. We are simply for each other and in a sense our bond is unbreakable even when we are not together and when there is no direct contact between us. Her disappointment and hurt due to my interruptions affected her and her trauma from rejection that she has been carrying since childhood is holding her back from giving everything another chance. Only dreams keep me here, because in dreams we always end up making up and being together, again and until the end. I am deeply aware of my mistakes, that I am the one who broke off that relationship three times. Sometimes these mistakes lead me to CTB, I would like to punish myself in some way and on the other hand show her that she is the most important and the only important thing in the world to me and that without her there is nothing left sense. Sometimes, in some strange way, I feel that they would just me CTB brought her closer and that such a gesture of mine would, in some sense, connect us in eternity. I know that all of this may seem completely pointless, but precisely such thoughts often overwhelm me. More than anything, I would like to let her know how much I love her and regardless of the fact that somewhere deep inside she senses it, she simply does not want to believe it, because then she would have to face her own feelings first. In this way, running away into some disillusionment and anger, she tries to maintain herself in a stalemate justifying it all with my mistakes, which are real, unfortunately. Time makes things harder and harder, because the more time passes, the more I miss her and love her more and more every day. This is completely paradoxical and incomprehensible.. I don't know how long I will be able to continue like this and will anything change about us.