bugs_for_brains
We can always regroup on the moon <3
- Mar 4, 2024
- 93
I was gonna end things as soon as possible after my nan dies but recently an old friend from childhood started talking to me again. I'd feel really bad killing myself so soon after starting to talk to her. It's hard because she makes me really happy n stuff which makes things so much more bearable a lot of the time but idk basically whenever I'm not talking to her I have a very small amount of time left before i start to feel even worse than i did before we started talking.
I've been speaking to a decent amount of people this year but everyone aside from her are new friends I met online and this feels different and super intense. I feel like if I fuck up in any way she's gonna regret ever messaging me and I'm gonna be all alone again (as in nobody not online will know me). She hasn't messaged me in literally less than 24hr and I'm already feeling so down despite having talked to my other friends and stuff.
I obv won't let this affect how I interact with her and stuff, it's not her fault my brain is like this but is very hard to function when I feel like I'm about to start crying every time I'm doing anything other than interacting with her, esp because I've got other stuff going on rn that I'm not gonna get into.
Back when I used to speak to her in school is like only a year after I started feeling super suicidal for the first time and even back then I remember feeling this way with one of my other friends. I have this stupid tendency to really attach to one person even if they aren't super close to me and it makes me feel ashamed, clingy and pathetic af to have my entire mood dictated by how recently I had even a mundane interaction with one person.
I also feel bad talking abt it because I don't wanna give the impression I care less about my other friends. Idk how to make it clear, but when I fixate on one relationship like this it has nothing to do with how much I love them. For example, I could be way closer to person A but as long as I still feel comfortable with both of them, I might strongly attach myself to person B for seemingly no reason. I wonder if it's because of my autism because I get fixated on lots of things so maybe sometimes it translates to people as well. Idk the last time this happened was when I was 12 with the other friend I mentioned briefly so it's been a long time.
I'm ngl I don't remember if this was originally what I wanted to even talk abt. Idk if it makes sense even. Sorry. This is why I don't post too much esp outside of my own profile lol
I've been speaking to a decent amount of people this year but everyone aside from her are new friends I met online and this feels different and super intense. I feel like if I fuck up in any way she's gonna regret ever messaging me and I'm gonna be all alone again (as in nobody not online will know me). She hasn't messaged me in literally less than 24hr and I'm already feeling so down despite having talked to my other friends and stuff.
I obv won't let this affect how I interact with her and stuff, it's not her fault my brain is like this but is very hard to function when I feel like I'm about to start crying every time I'm doing anything other than interacting with her, esp because I've got other stuff going on rn that I'm not gonna get into.
Back when I used to speak to her in school is like only a year after I started feeling super suicidal for the first time and even back then I remember feeling this way with one of my other friends. I have this stupid tendency to really attach to one person even if they aren't super close to me and it makes me feel ashamed, clingy and pathetic af to have my entire mood dictated by how recently I had even a mundane interaction with one person.
I also feel bad talking abt it because I don't wanna give the impression I care less about my other friends. Idk how to make it clear, but when I fixate on one relationship like this it has nothing to do with how much I love them. For example, I could be way closer to person A but as long as I still feel comfortable with both of them, I might strongly attach myself to person B for seemingly no reason. I wonder if it's because of my autism because I get fixated on lots of things so maybe sometimes it translates to people as well. Idk the last time this happened was when I was 12 with the other friend I mentioned briefly so it's been a long time.
I'm ngl I don't remember if this was originally what I wanted to even talk abt. Idk if it makes sense even. Sorry. This is why I don't post too much esp outside of my own profile lol
