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daleke

Member
Oct 14, 2024
7
my parents are funding my entire university degree, so i don't have to worry about rent, tuition, or any expenses whatsoever. luckily they've also been pretty hands off and don't really care how i use my time as long as i seem like i'm doing fine. this has been a massive advantage for me. i'm studying computer science and somehow got a 4.0 gpa first year. not because i love computer science or am a math god, honestly i've just always been good at school. assessments are predictable, i have nothing better to do with my time, and doing schoolwork is a nice distraction. something controllable.

i don't feel accomplished, i feel exhausted and incompetent and miserable. i wake up filled with despair and down medicine to try to fall asleep before i think too much. it's becoming increasingly clear to me that my life beyond school requires more than churning out As. to get that 4.0 i basically alternated between rotting in bed and sitting at my computer. i have terrible people skills, am not creative, a good problem-solver. i genuinely have no skills other than grinding for standardized tests, and especially none that'd allow me to succeed in the tech field. i'm terrified of graduating into the so-called real world.

in every non-school experience where i've failed miserably. and yes i've had actual jobs and leadership positions and been a part of clubs. people say that you can improve, but i just... don't know how. it seems people just naturally get better as they practice more and yet that's not happening to me. i can't say it's for lack of trying because i do try to get involved and because i'm proactive i get opportunities, i just can't seem to flourish in any of them. i never quite live up to the image people have of me in their head. teachers, classmates, friends, family, whatever.

this probably sounds stupid as fuck because from the outside my life looks great, but i've always had this persistent desire to end it. lately it's been a constant thought in the back of my head. i get into these moods where suicide occupies 99% of my thoughts for days on end and the only relief i can think of is killing myself and i start making plans, and then eventually it subsides. awful cycle that's gone on and on and on.

i just feel like there's something really wrong with me and i don't know how to fix it, and i feel like the evidence is there. it's why my bosses get so frustrated with me, why i can't make friends, why i can't make decisions. i don't feel like a proper human being, just a grade-churning machine. i add no value to society. but i have so much i should be grateful for and so many people have believed in me and invested in me and i am always letting them down. bleeding everyone's money and energy all over the place. i don't want to try to be one anymore, and i don't want to feel the pain of having disappointed someone again.

hell, this semester i think my gpa might drop, and you know what? yeah it'd feel like my life was over. it's genuinely the only thing i've ever been able to accomplish.

just don't know where to go from here.
 
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painfullypointless

painfullypointless

Wanderer
Sep 23, 2024
30
I could be wrong but could that be as a result of the environment? I'm sorry you feel this way. Perhaps doing some internal digging but in a controlled manner would benefit you, not suggesting you haven't, I just don't know?
 
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daleke

Member
Oct 14, 2024
7
I could be wrong but could that be as a result of the environment? I'm sorry you feel this way. Perhaps doing some internal digging but in a controlled manner would benefit you, not suggesting you haven't, I just don't know?

thanks :') i'm not sure how much of why i'm the way i am is innate and how much of it is due to how i grew up. probably some nice mix of both. there's a bit of trauma in there (probably the normal human amount, though) and my friends have certainly told me that my family is not very normal. don't think if it's enough to have made me this way though, especially when there are far worse stories.

i can't escape my family though and it feels increasingly difficult to in this economy honestly. and i'm not even sure if i'd be putting too much blame on them for no reason.

edit: i'm not sure if you meant environment in another way actually?
 
painfullypointless

painfullypointless

Wanderer
Sep 23, 2024
30
thanks :') i'm not sure how much of why i'm the way i am is innate and how much of it is due to how i grew up. probably some nice mix of both. there's a bit of trauma in there (probably the normal human amount, though) and my friends have certainly told me that my family is not very normal. don't think if it's enough to have made me this way though, especially when there are far worse stories.

i can't escape my family though and it feels increasingly difficult to in this economy honestly. and i'm not even sure if i'd be putting too much blame on them for no reason.
Damn, I didn't even mean your family I just meant like the actual environment although that too? more-so meant like the school system, the way life is, you could say that I am a bit of a misanthrope by suggesting that.

Like the school systems don't really allow for creativity? (Depending on the subject of course, there are pockets where they allow for creativity but generally speaking, not really.) I don't think you're not creative, I think you are.

You also say you have poor people skills but I'm sure that's not true either as you wouldn't have done what you have without genuine decent people skills... as well as that, you're here chatting with me and I think the way you come across and the way you write indicates to me that you are a good communicator and have good people skills.
 
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daleke

Member
Oct 14, 2024
7
Damn, I didn't even mean your family I just meant like the actual environment although that too? more-so meant like the school system, the way life is, you could say that I am a bit of a misanthrope by suggesting that.

Like the school systems don't really allow for creativity? I don't think you're not creative, I think you are.

lol understood, something psychoanalytical to be said about how i defaulted to thinking you meant family when you just meant life in general. i don't consider the school system my enemy, in fact i think i'm one of the lucky few for which the school system is designed. of course it ruins countless other people's hopes and dreams, but having a steady metric of how good i am that's fairly universally respected is one of the only reasons i'm still here.

i understand what you mean though, it'd be nice to imagine a world where our worth wasn't decided by these external things, and where we weren't pushed down paths that aren't right for us because of the economy or social acceptability or whatever.

edit: there's much more to people skills than expressing yourself and i... still haven't figured out the rest, honestly. it's an eternal puzzle to me how people actually form close human connections, or smooth over conflicts, and all that jazz.
 
painfullypointless

painfullypointless

Wanderer
Sep 23, 2024
30
lol understood, something psychoanalytical to be said about how i defaulted to thinking you meant family when you just meant life in general. i don't consider the school system my enemy, in fact i think i'm one of the lucky few for which the school system is designed. of course it ruins countless other people's hopes and dreams, but having a steady metric of how good i am that's fairly universally respected is one of the only reasons i'm still here.

i understand what you mean though, it'd be nice to imagine a world where our worth wasn't decided by these external things, and where we weren't pushed down paths that aren't right for us because of the economy or social acceptability or whatever.
I didn't really specify, sorry. I am tired and thinking/writing is difficult.
 
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daleke

Member
Oct 14, 2024
7
I didn't really specify, sorry. I am tired and thinking/writing is difficult.
ha no need to apologize, we don't always catch every interpretation. thanks for keeping me company :D
 
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painfullypointless

painfullypointless

Wanderer
Sep 23, 2024
30
ha no need to apologize, we don't always catch every interpretation. thanks for keeping me company :D
Appreciate you, you're definitely a proper human.
 
alivefornow

alivefornow

thinking about it
Feb 6, 2023
167
It might be the case that you need something else going on in your life. I am not telling you to quit your career, quite the opposite, since you seem to be quite adept.

But it can be "just a job". Even if you are extremely competent at it. It does not have to be everything. But right now it is.

Some people just live for their jobs and this is all they are. This is enough for them. You need to figure out if you are like that.

And if you find out working with computers is not WHO YOU ARE, and rather just what you do for money and stability, you can use this knowledge. Use your job to enable and support what really makes you happy in life. It's the modus operandi of a great deal of successful people in the world.

Best of luck.
 

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