Venting I'm just so freaking confused

[BurningLights]

This may be long, it may be rambly, or may just not make sense.
I don't know what I want, just under a month ago I was fully committed to ending it, hell, I tried to od. I was ready, I got comfortable, and fully expected to not wake up. The urge was still strong a week or so later, I was ready to die, again.
Somewhere inside must have still wanted to live, I mean, why would go see a mental health nurse, they gave me an antidepressant to try. I tried it on the day of my brother's own suicide. 7 years ago now, it took my mind off of CTB, but it wasn't fun, just felt like some shitty mdma high, tried that for a few days, felt worse and worse. That's when I came across this site and all you beautiful people, its nice to feel welcome with such a broken mind.
But the last week or so, the need and want to catch the bus has been fading, I think partly due to smoking weed again, it's always been a bad drug for, increasing depression and anxiety, but I find myself waking up with out the constant thoughts.
So what the fuck do I do, where am I, where am I going, I'm still in this shitty life, nothings changed apart from my mindset. Maybe this to and fro in my mindset is all the benzo withdrawal, it's been hell for a year now, I no longer know which thoughts are truly mine. Once again I feel lost in the lost city, not fitting in anywhere, I know what it's like to truly want to die, but I'm not in that mindset now. And now I just don't know what do.

 

[ge0rge]

what do you mean, "lost in the lost city?"

 

[BurningLights]

what do you mean, "lost in the lost city?"

It's a metaphor for not knowing where I am this world, don't know where to go or what to do. I don't want to be lost anymore.

 

[ge0rge]

It's a metaphor for not knowing where I am this world, don't know where to go or what to do. I don't want to be lost anymore.

the only advice I can give is to be devil-may-care about it. there's something very rugged and artiste about being lost, and about lostness in general. and I don't mean it in a vague, pretentious way. isn't it very counter-cultural to go against the grain of a society that preaches planning everything to a T, and micromanaging every waking second of every single day?

to be openly suicidal is one way of defying norms, but to reject the notion of living life according to rigid logic and tedious, anxiety-ridden thoughts concerning what goals you should have is another way to fight back.

are you still functional despite benzodiazepine withdrawal, by the way? i've known people who ended up bedridden, and i'm not sure how they coped with all of it.

 

[Justanotherconsumer]

We're trained circus animals, go back to our cage come back out do our circus shit then back again. You can get popcorn candy and hot dogs in the big tent, but try and be free again? No they just put you in a worse cage.

 

[Lara Francis]

Don't pressure yourself into anything.
I would love my suicidal thoughts to fade.just take each day and what it brings and take some time to think.

 

[agreement]

I was going to do a similar post, but with a little more short timeline.
My commitment to commit suicide fades and grows strong more than one time in the 24 hour period like it was a kind of sick tide play.
Anyway when it fades or better when the cons win over the pros , I' still the same shitty person in the same shitty place in life and I the fact that I'm not killing myself doesn't make me wanting to live in any way.