Sometimes i think that maybe i should just die. I know it's stupid but i don't have anyone. I miss being younger, i miss the days where my mom could talk to people on my behalf. I miss talking to people, i really hate being alone. I've started crying in bathroom stalls again, and talking with teachers to pass the time. I'm not sure if it helps, sometimes we just sit in almost complete silence. But i hate being alone so much, so much that i always want to cry. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears constantly, it takes only a slight push to make me cry. I dislike this feeling a lot. I say i hate people but really all i hate is my loneliness. And i can't bring myself to hate myself because I'm stupid and pitiful. Sometimes i do despise myself but how much can hate do if i can't escape? I don't speak to my only actual friend, my other friend doesn't even like me. These years aren't supposed to be so complicated but it is to me, i hate it. When you think about it it's so simple, it's just a little bit of loneliness right? Well it could be if it was only for a moment. I think that's one thing that people don't realize, small things hurt because they go on for so long. 7 break times, two are very long. People talk in class, i don't. I do this every 40 minutes everyday, for 10 minutes i have nothing to do. Then the next 40 minutes that's all i can think about before another 10 minutes starts. Lunch break is the worst, i hate it the most. For 8 whole hours it's on my mind, then i return home and on my way home it's right there too because i see people walking home together, laughing together. Then i go home while others stay outside, hanging out. And it's the one place where I'm free, but even there i can't stop my mind because how can i after 8 hours of thinking, and with the thought that others my age are out having fun. I can't get along with people my age because I'm scared of them, i can only ever open up to older people. This has been the truth all my life ever since kindergarten. I don't know how to socialize if I'm not pushed into places, maybe i just don't have the courage. I hope i can solve it soon, I'm really sad
I think my biggest problem has always been shame and loneliness, I've felt it on and off constantly ever since i was little. Anger was up there too but the reason it happened was my own fear and shame, i can control it now but now I'm only left with a hole. I feel more genuine but much more pathetic now, more pitiful and breakable. I feel like i lost the one thing that was protecting me from my own fragility. I've never felt so breakable before, actually i have. But this is far different, i feel empty, like i lost everything. Instead of yelling i cry now, it's as if i lost all strength to feel, i can't even get mad anymore
Today i sneaked out earlier from my class, i do it every friday because they hold a small speech. I lie every week to get out earlier and i walk so fast to my train that it feels like running. I do it so that i can avoid seeing others walk besides one another. It makes me so sad every time i have to walk alone, like I'm missing something, like I'm incomplete. I'd rather run my way home than to see it another day. Maybe one day I'll run my way to get a bunch of pills then hit the sea instead
I think my biggest problem has always been shame and loneliness, I've felt it on and off constantly ever since i was little. Anger was up there too but the reason it happened was my own fear and shame, i can control it now but now I'm only left with a hole. I feel more genuine but much more pathetic now, more pitiful and breakable. I feel like i lost the one thing that was protecting me from my own fragility. I've never felt so breakable before, actually i have. But this is far different, i feel empty, like i lost everything. Instead of yelling i cry now, it's as if i lost all strength to feel, i can't even get mad anymore
Today i sneaked out earlier from my class, i do it every friday because they hold a small speech. I lie every week to get out earlier and i walk so fast to my train that it feels like running. I do it so that i can avoid seeing others walk besides one another. It makes me so sad every time i have to walk alone, like I'm missing something, like I'm incomplete. I'd rather run my way home than to see it another day. Maybe one day I'll run my way to get a bunch of pills then hit the sea instead
