Venting I'm losing it and i just feel empty

[HollowHeartedTool]

i have had a nightmare of a year, from losing my job in February to being homeless before i was lucky enough to now live in a group home. my relationship had been on the rocks sdue to the restrictions i faced in the grouphome and being unable to even get an interview for a job, leading to disappointing birthdays and holidays between me and my girlfriend. i was finally able to get some restrictions lifted with my grouphome and was finally able to spend a week at her place (she had to pput all the work into coming over to visit me before then and i hate that she had to do that).

but during my time there she had gotten high while i wasn't paying attention, i was focused on a game i was playing while she was watching a movie on her laptop right in front of me. i have been losing my hearing in one of my ears and had an earbud in the other so i couldn't hear either. but after a while she got up and came back in lingerie wanting me to sleep with her, and while i tried i couldn't bring myself to do it fully and switched to using a toy like she asked. afterwards when we sat back on the couch she said something along the lines of "see i told you i could mask as sober" and was horrified with the realization. and once she began to sober up she sent me to the lobby of her apartment building for the night as she didn't feel safe with me around.

after that night we still spent the next couple of days together like we planned. but once i returned home she asked for some time and hasn't spoken to me since. it was two days ago and I'm scared the trauma i inflicted has destroyed our relationship of six years, she is the most important person in my life and i don't think i can live without her i don't know what i can do and i don't think i could live without her

 

[Seven Threads]

Okay, let's break down a couple of things first.

To start with, I want to emphasize that this isn't your fault. You had no idea she was under the influence at the time, and based on what she said to you, it seems apparent that she was intentionally trying to hide the fact that she was high from you. If things happened that neither of you were comfortable with given the presence of a mind-altering substance, this is neither your fault nor your responsibility. This isn't to say that there aren't or won't be negative effects from it; there may very well be. But you can't blame yourself for being involved in what seems to be an otherwise consensual and desired interaction if the substance use was being intentionally hidden from you. Try not to beat yourself up over that; if anything, you're a victim here too.

That said, I can absolutely understand how frightening and upsetting it can be to feel like someone you are very close to, a person you probably rely on for some sense of stability and emotional support, may be cutting you off, whatever her reasons. You said she's asked for some time. What do you make of that? You've been together for six years, so I imagine you're probably in a fairly decent position to assess what this might mean. Has she ever needed to take some time away from you before? And on that note, when something really bothers her or she's upset about something, does she typically talk about it with you, or does she usually mask her feelings and try to deal with them on her own?

 

[HollowHeartedTool]

Okay, let's break down a couple of things first.

To start with, I want to emphasize that this isn't your fault. You had no idea she was under the influence at the time, and based on what she said to you, it seems apparent that she was intentionally trying to hide the fact that she was high from you. If things happened that neither of you were comfortable with given the presence of a mind-altering substance, this is neither your fault nor your responsibility. This isn't to say that there aren't or won't be negative effects from it; there may very well be. But you can't blame yourself for being involved in what seems to be an otherwise consensual and desired interaction if the substance use was being intentionally hidden from you. Try not to beat yourself up over that; if anything, you're a victim here too.

That said, I can absolutely understand how frightening and upsetting it can be to feel like someone you are very close to, a person you probably rely on for some sense of stability and emotional support, may be cutting you off, whatever her reasons. You said she's asked for some time. What do you make of that? You've been together for six years, so I imagine you're probably in a fairly decent position to assess what this might mean. Has she ever needed to take some time away from you before? And on that note, when something really bothers her or she's upset about something, does she typically talk about it with you, or does she usually mask her feelings and try to deal with them on her own?

thank you, i had a talk with a mutual friend of ours and they mirrored what you said almost word for word. while i'm still scared our relationship could be over, this has been reassuring at least for the feeling of guilt i've had these few days and have finally been able to eat something. i'm hoping when she feels ready to talk to me again she may understand things as well.

thank you, i had a talk with a mutual friend of ours and they mirrored what you said almost word for word. while i'm still scared our relationship could be over, this has been reassuring at least for the feeling of guilt i've had these few days and have finally been able to eat something. i'm hoping when she feels ready to talk to me again she may understand things as well.

she broke up with me

 

[Seven Threads]

You don't have to be okay. I want to say that now, because you probably won't be. Don't feel guilty, if you can. It still isn't your fault. But you don't have to be okay.

*hugs and best wishes*