I'm 35 years-old and have been on this planet long enough to realize that everything pertaining to this shared existence we all experience is a massive load of fabricated bullshit.
I've never intentionally wronged anyone in my life, even the people who screwed me over, I've had the highest of highs and the lowest of lows and for the past year and change I've been pushed over the edge and despite things being at a current "high" right now I've been through this mess long enough to understand that it just doesn't fucking matter.
Things will ebb and flow like they always do and I will just be stuck dealing with it all through weary eyes that have experienced the human condition for a while now.
Ever watched a dozen different movies over a weekend or listened to countless songs and just think to yourself "yeah, this one's a bit different but still mostly the same?" Well.... ding ding ding!
One week you may be working and doing the same monotonous crap, the next you may be doing less of each and going on a trip (spoiler: the grass isn't greener), the next you can be decorating the house and wrapping presents, then the final week can be hanging around the house drinking alcoholic egg nog and watching sportsball until your head goes numb after conversing about the same shit to different people for hours.
Same goes for every month but each is just slightly different and then you get into the biological imperatives such as urination, defecation, periods, health-related issues, and other constant factors and it's as if we are all just hamsters spinning on wheels but in different cages with differing backdrops.
It doesn't even matter if you have a billion dollars or a single penny, this life is a complete joke from an exhausted comic and we are all living the same old punchline told in different fashions every day at different comedy clubs where the crowd just wants an easy way to pass the time and your just looking to make ends meet.
I've felt this way for I don't know... Maybe 10-20 years now, I've lost track in all honesty and despite everyone telling me to travel, work on your health, take medications, date, focus on yourself, learn a hobby, change jobs, etc it's still the same crap just rebranded and nothing ever truly changes other than your patience for this mess just wearing thinner and thinner.
I have had my SN for I don't know, two months now? Almost used it a few times but always backed out because as is the case with most people I have a lot going on and despite knowing that nothing will change and lacking any fear whatsoever when it comes to death and/or the dying process and hell, even looking forward to it! I just get stuck in this trap of a life.
There is always some small stimuli be it a nice meal, a date, visiting a friend or family member, sex with a person you love or despise, exposure to some new/old media, hearing some birds chirping, seeing some house flys screwing, or other wanton pointlessness that just catches our attention and then your on to the next thing.
I've been both aloof and mindful and experienced every emotion the human race can experience and the harsh reality that we are all just a long for the ride and anyone who believes they have any personal agency in their lives other than choosing the time of their demise is just delusional.
Sure, we can do whatever we want, for a while, and possibly get away with it but eventually you'll end up behind bars or in a padded cell and nothing you do will be of any consequence and certainly won't fulfill any of your desires because one would have to be an imbecile to honestly believe that they, as a human can honestly be content for longer than a few fleeting moments in the grand scheme of things because our DNA is hardwired to chase the next high.
People can deny this all they want and state that sobriety, religion, or some other belief system or dogmatic views will help them "rise above" some self-imposed vices but they are just trading one thing for another and deluding themselves into believing it's the right thing to do.
Believing in extremes such as right and wrong is the right way to be wrong about nearly everything as it pertains to this existence.
Believing in grey areas is also folly.
The only truth is that we are a bunch of maggots feeding on the carcass of a dying god we created in an attempt to sustain ourselves long enough until we rise to the heavens with our newly formed wings only to realize that we will still always be that same maggot and that nothing changed other than the scenery.
I've never intentionally wronged anyone in my life, even the people who screwed me over, I've had the highest of highs and the lowest of lows and for the past year and change I've been pushed over the edge and despite things being at a current "high" right now I've been through this mess long enough to understand that it just doesn't fucking matter.
Things will ebb and flow like they always do and I will just be stuck dealing with it all through weary eyes that have experienced the human condition for a while now.
Ever watched a dozen different movies over a weekend or listened to countless songs and just think to yourself "yeah, this one's a bit different but still mostly the same?" Well.... ding ding ding!
One week you may be working and doing the same monotonous crap, the next you may be doing less of each and going on a trip (spoiler: the grass isn't greener), the next you can be decorating the house and wrapping presents, then the final week can be hanging around the house drinking alcoholic egg nog and watching sportsball until your head goes numb after conversing about the same shit to different people for hours.
Same goes for every month but each is just slightly different and then you get into the biological imperatives such as urination, defecation, periods, health-related issues, and other constant factors and it's as if we are all just hamsters spinning on wheels but in different cages with differing backdrops.
It doesn't even matter if you have a billion dollars or a single penny, this life is a complete joke from an exhausted comic and we are all living the same old punchline told in different fashions every day at different comedy clubs where the crowd just wants an easy way to pass the time and your just looking to make ends meet.
I've felt this way for I don't know... Maybe 10-20 years now, I've lost track in all honesty and despite everyone telling me to travel, work on your health, take medications, date, focus on yourself, learn a hobby, change jobs, etc it's still the same crap just rebranded and nothing ever truly changes other than your patience for this mess just wearing thinner and thinner.
I have had my SN for I don't know, two months now? Almost used it a few times but always backed out because as is the case with most people I have a lot going on and despite knowing that nothing will change and lacking any fear whatsoever when it comes to death and/or the dying process and hell, even looking forward to it! I just get stuck in this trap of a life.
There is always some small stimuli be it a nice meal, a date, visiting a friend or family member, sex with a person you love or despise, exposure to some new/old media, hearing some birds chirping, seeing some house flys screwing, or other wanton pointlessness that just catches our attention and then your on to the next thing.
I've been both aloof and mindful and experienced every emotion the human race can experience and the harsh reality that we are all just a long for the ride and anyone who believes they have any personal agency in their lives other than choosing the time of their demise is just delusional.
Sure, we can do whatever we want, for a while, and possibly get away with it but eventually you'll end up behind bars or in a padded cell and nothing you do will be of any consequence and certainly won't fulfill any of your desires because one would have to be an imbecile to honestly believe that they, as a human can honestly be content for longer than a few fleeting moments in the grand scheme of things because our DNA is hardwired to chase the next high.
People can deny this all they want and state that sobriety, religion, or some other belief system or dogmatic views will help them "rise above" some self-imposed vices but they are just trading one thing for another and deluding themselves into believing it's the right thing to do.
Believing in extremes such as right and wrong is the right way to be wrong about nearly everything as it pertains to this existence.
Believing in grey areas is also folly.
The only truth is that we are a bunch of maggots feeding on the carcass of a dying god we created in an attempt to sustain ourselves long enough until we rise to the heavens with our newly formed wings only to realize that we will still always be that same maggot and that nothing changed other than the scenery.
