Story Im no longer afraid..goodbye

[indigoviolet]

I plan to do it this Sunday night. There are a couple of factors that may prevent that as im planning to do full susp from a tree on a forest by my home. I'm away and won't be back till Thursday night so Friday is going to be the day I look for the perfect tree. I'm buying the rope tomorrow then seeing my boyfriend for the last time on the Saturday. This really is it and I have never been more ready. I can't wait for the peace. What made me question was the moments before you pass out, the pure panic on the faces of those on the live streams I've watched. But I'm not longer scared of that. It's a short price to pay for eternal peace.

I'm sad to say that this world has beaten me. I hope I get another chance one day in a different lifetime with an easier journey. But for now, I say goodbye

 

[SVEN]

Every good wish for achieving your desire. If things change, we'll still be here wishing you well.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Good luck! I hope you find peace!

 

[CatLvr]

I support your decision but there is no shame in changing your mind and trying life again. Regardless of your choice, I hope you find the peace and contentment you seek.

 

[pain6batch9]

I can't imagine live streaming it. For me it's a very personal thing.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find peace from all the suffering, I wish you all the best.

 

[indigoviolet]

I can't imagine live streaming it. For me it's a very personal thing.

Yeah I'm not 100 percent sure why they chose to, but I'm glad in a way they did. I think it's important for people to see what the process is. Even though I find it very traumatizing to watch them. I literally watch them with my fingers covering most of the screen

 

[pain6batch9]

It would feel like standing in public naked or something. Exposing some deep thing about yourself to the world. I can see how it's horrible to look at and also informative at the same time though.

 

[cryptoinvestor]

your courage is truly inspiring!

 

[maniac116]

I hope you find elusive peace & feel no pain

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Wishing you endless peace <3 Keep us updated, if you want to.

 

[heavyeyes]

I'm so sorry. The world is a cruel place. I wish you peace

 

[navi98]

I plan to do it this Sunday night. There are a couple of factors that may prevent that as im planning to do full susp from a tree on a forest by my home. I'm away and won't be back till Thursday night so Friday is going to be the day I look for the perfect tree. I'm buying the rope tomorrow then seeing my boyfriend for the last time on the Saturday. This really is it and I have never been more ready. I can't wait for the peace. What made me question was the moments before you pass out, the pure panic on the faces of those on the live streams I've watched. But I'm not longer scared of that. It's a short price to pay for eternal peace.

I'm sad to say that this world has beaten me. I hope I get another chance one day in a different lifetime with an easier journey. But for now, I say goodbye

I'm afraid I won't make it and stay alive somehow, the will is there but I don't know how to 100% make it happen, today is worse

 

[ceriseange♡]

Sending you so much love, whether you stay or go. I'll make sure to watch the sunset on Sunday. Either way I truly hope you're able to find peace, and we'll be here for you no matter what happens or where your journey takes you ♡

 

[MidnightCat]

I hope you're able to find peace...

In death or in giving life a chance.

 

[indigoviolet]

I'm afraid I won't make it and stay alive somehow, the will is there but I don't know how to 100% make it happen, today is worse

I think that's why it's important to follow the posts that show you the right way to do it

 

[rozeske]

I wish you the best. I hope you find your peace.

 

[indigoviolet]

Update: my planed ctb day has been pushed back a day because my boyfriend has been asked to work Saturday so I'm meeting him Sunday instead. Everythings pretty much set up other than that. The forrest near I live have such difficult trees to climb so I have decided on bringing a ladder into the forrest with me. I'm thinking of maybe heading to the forrest mid day so it don't seem as suspicious bringing a ladder and I could think of a lie if someone asks me about it. Maybe pretend I need to take high up pictures for uni or something. Then I'll just sit until it's about 12 am and be sure no one is near by.

It's strange because as the day nears, I'm still not afraid but the thought of the pain I'm leaving to my love ones is so difficult to cope with. My mum knows I'm in a bad way anyway so she calls me everyday and it's so hard to pretend that everything is normal. I am so aware that me dying is going to destroy my love ones but living isn't an option anymore.

Me and my boyfriend spoke about death and suicide a lot because we both have said we are going to do it one day. But I think it got a bit too real for him on my end last week because I told him how and when I am definitely going to do it but he cant cope with me going. So I had to promise I am not going to and I'm working on my self. But it is a lie. It is so hard because I want to say goodbye properly to each of them but I can't because they will try and stop me and get me put in a psych ward or something.

I'm grateful for places like this to be able to express my thoughts without judgement. I'll probably update again in a day or two

 

[indigoviolet]

Another update: I saw my boyfriend yesterday and it was all going good until I started to drink in the evening with him. I came out with what it is I am going to do and he obviously didn't take it well. There was a lot of back and forth and something strange is I have BPD and the fear of him abandoning me was still so strong even though I knew I'm gonna die soon so it would matter if he left. I was in a heightened state because of this and drunk so when we were walking back to the station I tried to jump in the river because I just had enough and thought it would be easy to drown at that point. But obviously he stopped me and moved me away. I feel awful for putting him through all that. I should have just stayed off the alcohol.

He put me on the train and I carried on drinking at home. Impulsively I took my ladder and rope to the forest and was on search for a tree but it was pitch black at this point and only had my phone light to see a branch I could use. I eventually found one and climbed up the ladder to tie the rope round the branch but because I was drunk and the ladder wasn't stable, it fell and I fell directly on top of it. I felt the pain even though I was drunk so I must have gone down hard haha. I then just lay there, so tired from the day and decided to just go home for the night and stick to my original plan.

Today's the day. I once again promised my boyfriend to not ctb. I hate lying to him but it's for the best. I plan to head to the forest in the evening time while it's still light so I have a better view of the branches and the sit and wait till it gets dark. I'm gonna get everything set up, including the ladder in a stable place before I start properly drinking.
This may be my last update. Thank you for reading, I wish only the best for you all. Goodbye u cruel fucking world

 

[Glenferd666]

Another update: I saw my boyfriend yesterday and it was all going good until I started to drink in the evening with him. I came out with what it is I am going to do and he obviously didn't take it well. There was a lot of back and forth and something strange is I have BPD and the fear of him abandoning me was still so strong even though I knew I'm gonna die soon so it would matter if he left. I was in a heightened state because of this and drunk so when we were walking back to the station I tried to jump in the river because I just had enough and thought it would be easy to drown at that point. But obviously he stopped me and moved me away. I feel awful for putting him through all that. I should have just stayed off the alcohol.

He put me on the train and I carried on drinking at home. Impulsively I took my ladder and rope to the forest and was on search for a tree but it was pitch black at this point and only had my phone light to see a branch I could use. I eventually found one and climbed up the ladder to tie the rope round the branch but because I was drunk and the ladder wasn't stable, it fell and I fell directly on top of it. I felt the pain even though I was drunk so I must have gone down hard haha. I then just lay there, so tired from the day and decided to just go home for the night and stick to my original plan.

Today's the day. I once again promised my boyfriend to not ctb. I hate lying to him but it's for the best. I plan to head to the forest in the evening time while it's still light so I have a better view of the branches and the sit and wait till it gets dark. I'm gonna get everything set up, including the ladder in a stable place before I start properly drinking.
This may be my last update. Thank you for reading, I wish only the best for you all. Goodbye u cruel fucking world

I think it's extremely cruel for you to lie to your bf, but you do you.

 

[msesis]

I think it's extremely cruel for you to lie to your bf, but you do you.

it's more cruel to tell him if you're gonna do it anyways.

 

[indigoviolet]

I think it's extremely cruel for you to lie to your bf, but you do you.

That's your opinion and I respect it. However I think it would be way worse for him to know and it would also give him a chance to intervene. In this case ignorance is bliss.

 

[DaBassBabyBoom]

Seems like you CTB...

I hope you found peace

 

[TraumaEscapee:)]

Yeah I'm not 100 percent sure why they chose to, but I'm glad in a way they did. I think it's important for people to see what the process is. Even though I find it very traumatizing to watch them. I literally watch them with my fingers covering most of the screen

Wait what? This person live streamed their CTB?

 

[RadiantNumber]

I wish that on the other side there will be no pain, peace

 

[kingfool316]

I think she finally did it... I wish her well, but i also envy her.

 

[Final_Freedom]

I think she finally did it... I wish her well, but i also envy her.

Yeah I wish I could just do it today too but Im a fucking coward

 

[Thisisme373]

Yeah I wish I could just do it today too but Im a fucking coward

same here. I envy those already gone. I'm suffering so bad

 

[cali22♡]

Goodbye and take care <3

 

[pariah80]

If this is what you want, and you've truly made up your mind, I pray that the universe grants you the peace, serenity, and strength to transition as peacefully as possible. Good luck and love to you.