I'm not even human

[onlyforever1]

I'm too fat to be human. I'm disgusting, more like a pig than anything. I will never be loved, I can't transition, I don't deserve to keep living. I have said I won't ctb until my mom dies but it's so hard going on like this. I know I have nothing to look forward to and every successive year will just take more away from me until I'm finally left an empty shell. I've recently been diagnosed as BPD which basically means that even my therapist has given up on me ever feeling better, at this point all we can do is mitigate the damage I do to other people. I don't want to face my future. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

 

[yowai]

Your therapist shouldn't be giving up on you, there's a lot of different types of therapy and having bpd doesn't mean you will never be happy again. I'm sorry you feel that way though, I've heard about a woman in Netherlands I think who had similar issues like me + bpd on top of that and she managed to get assisted suicide. Should be more available around the world in case someone has tried everything and it didn't help, some mental disorders will unfortunately stay for life

 

[onlyforever1]

Your therapist shouldn't be giving up on you, there's a lot of different types of therapy and having bpd doesn't mean you will never be happy again. I'm sorry you feel that way though, I've heard about a woman in Netherlands I think who had similar issues like me + bpd on top of that and she managed to get assisted suicide. Should be more available around the world in case someone has tried everything and it didn't help, some mental disorders will unfortunately stay for life

I don't deserve to be happy I'm too fat it's disgusting I deserve to die. I want it to be painless but it doesn't look like that's possible, I also wish assisted suicide was available in the US.

I think setting a date will help me to enjoy the months I have left more.
I wish there was someone I could talk with about this. I want my friends to understand and be able to comfort me about the things I will miss, I want to mourn the things I never got to do, but no one will do that, everyone freaks when you start talking about ctb, like it's inherently irrational. it's not. my life is full of pain and it will only get worse. I want comfort in my last few months and I want to be able to be open with my friends and family about the things I am missing but I can't.