Story I'm not going to start meds because I'm scared, giving a go to CBT and IFS and Reddit

[przeciwwymiotne]

I feel more real and authentic without meds + I'm scared of the side effects.

Found an AMAZING therapist with whom we'be been doing CBT since May.

I'll try to do some self-therapy using IFS.

Subreddits around CPTSD, BPD help a ton and keep me focused on processing my pain.

I really hope it'll help

 

[Looking]

If meds aren't for you, then they're not for you. The way I decided if I needed them was doing a pros and cons list.

I'm glad to hear progress is happening with you and that you feel great about it so far! I'm also glad to hear your therapist is working out great for you so far.

I know what CPTSD (Complex post-traumatic stress disorder), BPD (Borderline personality disorder) and CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) means, but I'm not sure what IFS means. I tried looking it up but I'm not sure. What does IFS stand for, if I may ask?

 

[przeciwwymiotne]

If meds aren't for you, then they're not for you. The way I decided if I needed them was doing a pros and cons list.

I'm glad to hear progress is happening with you and that you feel great about it so far! I'm also glad to hear your therapist is working out great for you so far.

I know what CPTSD (Complex post-traumatic stress disorder), BPD (Borderline personality disorder) and CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) means, but I'm not sure what IFS means. I tried looking it up but I'm not sure. What does IFS stand for, if I may ask?

Thank you
IFS stands for Internal Family Systems

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

I feel more real and authentic without meds + I'm scared of the side effects.

Found an AMAZING therapist with whom we'be been doing CBT since May.

I'll try to do some self-therapy using IFS.

Subreddits around CPTSD, BPD help a ton and keep me focused on processing my pain.

I really hope it'll help

Best of luck! I have found IFS to be helpful.

 

[przeciwwymiotne]

I feel more real and authentic without meds + I'm scared of the side effects.

Found an AMAZING therapist with whom we'be been doing CBT since May.

I'll try to do some self-therapy using IFS.

Subreddits around CPTSD, BPD help a ton and keep me focused on processing my pain.

I really hope it'll help

It's been a month.
CBT is helping greatly, first time in my life actually cuz I've had so bad experiences with CBT.
I feel a bit more calm and hopeful. I'm in the process of getting diagnosed and I'm also waiting for an appointment with an IFS therapist.
Slowed it down a bit with the Reddit.
I think my next goal is going to be reading more. Anything, there's a few books that I really wanted to read and I kinda slowed down with the reading lately.
So yeah, heard it helps with being calm
Honestly I feel so lonely and tired. Don't have the energy to be a good friend rn and I'm beating myself up for that.
But I'll be starting uni again in October so that might make it better.
Do you want guys have any tips on how to be a good friend whilst extremely anxious, tired, sad and potentially also BPD?
Almost forgot. I did almost start the meds.
But didn't because I'm too scared of permanently losing my sex drive among other things

 

[przeciwwymiotne]

I had an appointment with and IFS specialist finally. The session was respectful and professional but I had a panic attack because of the relaxation techniques (that's normal for me rn) she ended up stating that with such a degree of distress and somatic reactions it's better for me to take up EMDR instead. Breathing was stressful, focusing on the surroundings was stressful, touching my body was stressful, talking was also stressful.
She said my trauma symptoms are too severe for IFS and EMDR will be more effective and more comfortable.
I somehow feel proud that my trauma is 'severe enough' for her to have referred me to another therapist. I feel relieved and I feel that my trauma is valid because of this.
She recommended a great EMDR specialist and I'm going to see them next week. She told me I can always come back to her if I feel like I meed IFS after the initial EMDR 'calming of the nervous system' but it's also fine if I stay with the EMDR specialist.
We tried to make me imagine all the stress as it sits down on a chair in front of me, leaving my body alone. But it was too difficult and only worked for a few seconds, then the stress jumped back at me.
I'm hopeful about the EMDR

 

[przeciwwymiotne]

FIRST EMDR SESSION
A couple of thoughts
The therapist was very respectful and professional. We're going to have a few sessions where she's going to help me get ready for EMDR. I trusted her immediately which rarely happens. At a point during the session I felt almost like it's destiny. It's all coming together.

Here's how the session looked:

1. She asked me to tell her a short synopsis of my current life (panic attacks, constant anxiety, dependency and almost not functioning)

2. Then asked me whether I feel comfortable mentioning the trauma so that she can determine whether EMDR can be used for it. I agreed, ofc that's why I'm here

3. I LOVE that she didn't want me to describe it like I'd normally be during therapy. She asked whether I feel similar things in my body as I did during the traumatic events and describe it to her. So I did. Then asked about any images or things that trigger flashbacks. That's all. Didn't have to describe the entire trauma.

4. She told me the trauma seems to be quite severe so the prep is going to take a lil longer and I trust her. She's not ripping me off for money. I only told her a chunk and I KNOW it's a lot so it's a reasonable claim

5. She went onto describing how the memories are stored in the body and brain and what it means to process memories. The difference between processed and unprocessed

I was really worried that I won't be able to do EMDR along CBT.
Turns out I can very well combine CBT with EMDR, she said the processes will compliment eachother.
I'm very hopeful and also tired haha
Gonna keep updating this post
I hope this is informative, that's the main reason I'm updating this post

 

[przeciwwymiotne]

I feel more real and authentic without meds + I'm scared of the side effects.

Found an AMAZING therapist with whom we'be been doing CBT since May.

I'll try to do some self-therapy using IFS.

Subreddits around CPTSD, BPD help a ton and keep me focused on processing my pain.

I really hope it'll help

Okay so I have decided to start meditation. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow and will probably end up taking Duloxitine as they recommended it before.

Reasons for this decision:
1. Plenty of intrusive thoughts about hanging myself, about being assaulted with random objects, about getting my spine or veins ripped out
2. Almost CONSTANT dissociation, I'm scared of loosing consciousness or sth
3. The EMDR therapist is on a month long holiday
4. I'm having troubles falling asleep and sleeping at night
5. Constant health anxiety and visions of dying
6. Cannot function when my significant other is away

I also got a prescription for medical marijuana from my reumathologist because of my chronic illness and I might try that in the future. Hope it could also help with regular exercise and with panic attacks

 

[przeciwwymiotne]

Okay so I have decided to start meditation. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow and will probably end up taking Duloxitine as they recommended it before.

Reasons for this decision:
1. Plenty of intrusive thoughts about hanging myself, about being assaulted with random objects, about getting my spine or veins ripped out
2. Almost CONSTANT dissociation, I'm scared of loosing consciousness or sth
3. The EMDR therapist is on a month long holiday
4. I'm having troubles falling asleep and sleeping at night
5. Constant health anxiety and visions of dying
6. Cannot function when my significant other is away

I also got a prescription for medical marijuana from my reumathologist because of my chronic illness and I might try that in the future. Hope it could also help with regular exercise and with panic attacks

It's been a while.
I stopped the meds because they gave me tachycardia and bad headaches. Although they helped with trauma flashbacks a lot. I'm getting off of them with the help of a doctor because it's too exhausting and anxiety inducing to book an appointment. Feeling horrible physically and it might be cuz of the withdrawal oooor it might be cuz I've been eating like shit this past 2 months.
I'm back in EMDR after almost 3 months.

What's currently happening is:
1. I have tachycardia, headaches, dizziness and A LOT of health anxiety.
2. I am addicted to binge eating of sugar and junk food. Addicted to the phone, mindless scrolling just to dissociate.
3. Falling behind in university and haven't touched my thesis in few months.
4. My relationship feels weird. It's safe and cute but also there's a lot of resentment because our intimacy is just not working. And also he was lying to me most of our relationship which came about recently and it's just so shitty to think about that I can't stand it... So I don't really think or talk about it much.
5. I am on the brink of giving up. The reason is ME. I think that life if beautiful and a gift but I just can't make use of it. I'm constantly anxious, I'm addicted to the phone and binge eating when I'd much rather just watch the sky and meditate or read books or sth. I've lost almost all of my discipline because of the traumatic event. My life is meaningless and I am the worst. Completely depressed and contemplating suicide.
6. The only thing that makes sense to me is childer and how pure and beautiful they are. I crave to be a mother and hope that one day I'll be stable enough to become one. And also that my disability will let me... I cry when I think about being a mother. I only truly want that and I hope that this feeling will be enough to push me through those hardships that I'm facing
7. Lots of intrusive and compulsive thoughts: "what if I died and this is hell", thoughts about scratching myself, my eyeballs being squashed, a rope tightning around my neck, biting of someones fingers, hitting someone. At work I'm obsessed people are talking about me and laughing at me.

The EMDR therapist gave me 3 tasks:
- try to get dopamine from sources different than food or the phone
- tap my shoulders during meditation to kinda get used to the EMDR process
- whenever my thoughts are spiraling try to imagine that they're just a movie, not real. And the movie will be over soon

I kinda gave a spin to this last one and I imagine that I'm in a movie theatre with my inner child and it's them who is scared and I kinda nurture them and reassure them that it's going to end soon and it's not real. Because that works. I HAVE TO take care kf a child. I WON'T take care of my adult dumb ass self and what if this movie theatre is hell and what if this movie theatre is real and the actual reality that I'm seeing with my eyes is imagined and I'm jus going insane etc etc. So it's easier when picturing a child, cuz I have to be an adult them, I have to help the child.

So yeah, it's not going good. Whats been going good lately is my friendships I think. But it feels like I'm going to ruin em anyways.
ALSO.
I feel like I'm faking having trauma because my flashbacks stopped. The EMDR therapist said that we might not do EMDR but work on parts if the flashbacks won't come back when I quit the meds. And I kinda feel like I want the flashbacks back to justify that I have severe trauma, but also to finally work through the trauma. As in if I don't 'get it out of me' it's going to sit unprocessed somewhere in the corner of my mind and always haunt me. As in I have to FEEL it and sweat it out lmao
Does it work that way?
Maybe parts will be enough. Well. We're still in the process of figuring out which method to use