• Hey Guest,

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Aplev

Member
Oct 16, 2021
89
Yes... it's been tough, but with each day that passes, and the more I try and experiment with, the more certain I'm of this fact:

That I'm permanently broken.

Even if you gave me a river of love, a sea of love or an ocean of love, it'd be as useless as looking at the ceiling and expecting anything to miraculously change. No matter how much time you spend with me, or how many sweet words you say, or how many gifts you give me, or how hard you try while carefully choosing your words when talking with me... it simply won't happen. I'll still feel horrible, I'll still be full of hatred, both towards myself and the world, filled with anger and regret. There's nothing that can change it. No drug, no person. No words, no actions. Nothing.

After all, there's only so much that people can do. Time and energies are both limited. Desires are naturally selfish, so there's a limit to what can be said and done, as others also want to spend time with themselves doing things they enjoy. But even when it seems that limits are being broken, even when you're spending so much more time with me than anyone else ever has, even if you only took slightly longer to reply to my text this last time, even if I saw your post 60 minutes before you replied to me, like you were ignoring me on purpose, you still gave me the most that anyone ever has. And yet, I still feel this way. If you couldn't, is there really any hope that anyone else could?

I can't do it myself. I simply can't. I'm not like other people.

Perhaps I should have listened to myself, and never expect anything. Perhaps I should have stopped talking with you, before it became too late. But I swear I tried! I swear I said to myself: "don't raise your hopes up!". And yet I did. Yet I did. Because I'm permanently broken.

I want to love you for what you did for me. But I also hate you, because I can't help the thought that you could have done more. And yet, I really think you always did your best. I can't stop feeling so much filled with anger and hatred and sadness and loneliness all at once.

It's permanent. There's no cure, and no treatment either. I'm to go through this pain every day of my life, like a chronic disease, until I finally vanish from this meaningless, sadistic, sad world.
 
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D

d_day_2031

Member
Jun 12, 2024
7
I feel like I wrote this. I just want to ctb but I don't think I can do it myself. I'm too scared to change anything so I'm stuck with the sadness, the dying hope, the anger. Some times I feel okay but that just reminds me that people out there feel okay almost everyday. I'll never feel that.
 
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PhilosopherInAV0id

PhilosopherInAV0id

The Reaper of Self, Amid the Silence
Jan 28, 2024
38
I have always stuck by the fact that if I were able to go back and restart my entire life, I would choose this path every time. I don't care if there are eternal consequences because some religion out there is right about a life after death, I don't care if it will hurt my body and soul to the point of insanity, I don't care if I found my destined soulmate with Fate shoving her right at me, I will always be suicidal. If I wasn't, then my life would be an incomparably boring existence with nothing having happened that was worth living for, but even worse is that I wouldn't know that. I am scared of the people that can be fine, because everything in their world is fine, and they don't understand the weight of their own existence weighing down on them.

Very beautiful writing. It reminds me of the way I sometimes like to pretend to be a philosopher with my words, as I do on occasion. I hope you find peace in your life.
 
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TragedyBornCrimson

TragedyBornCrimson

I accept my eternal punishment
Oct 19, 2023
245
I have always stuck by the fact that if I were able to go back and restart my entire life, I would choose this path every time. I don't care if there are eternal consequences because some religion out there is right about a life after death, I don't care if it will hurt my body and soul to the point of insanity, I don't care if I found my destined soulmate with Fate shoving her right at me, I will always be suicidal. If I wasn't, then my life would be an incomparably boring existence with nothing having happened that was worth living for, but even worse is that I wouldn't know that. I am scared of the people that can be fine, because everything in their world is fine, and they don't understand the weight of their own existence weighing down on them.

Very beautiful writing. It reminds me of the way I sometimes like to pretend to be a philosopher with my words, as I do on occasion. I hope you find peace in your life.
I relate to what you said, I feel like any path my life took would always lead to suicide.
 
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V

VoidBlessed

Member
Dec 2, 2024
45
I really felt this. I've had a lot of good experiences recently, ones that were all I used to want - I finally feel beautiful in my body, I have spaces to go where familiar smiles greet me, even physical love - but even that's not enough to save me anymore.
 
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A

Aplev

Member
Oct 16, 2021
89
I feel like I wrote this. I just want to ctb but I don't think I can do it myself. I'm too scared to change anything so I'm stuck with the sadness, the dying hope, the anger. Some times I feel okay but that just reminds me that people out there feel okay almost everyday. I'll never feel that.

Yeah, it's the same or at the very least very similar for me. I tried myself, but I failed all the times I tried and at this point I just don't want to try anymore, and on top of that if I failed, I could risk being taken (again, btw) to a mental institution or back to my old house where I was raised, I hate that place and I don't want to ever come back. It's full of trauma and memories I don't like. So I can simply wait until I simply disappear. Stuck with all this overwhelmedness, mix of emotions. Sometimes kinda ok, sometimes super horrible. It never ends. But I still look with hope to the day I will finally die.

I have always stuck by the fact that if I were able to go back and restart my entire life, I would choose this path every time. I don't care if there are eternal consequences because some religion out there is right about a life after death, I don't care if it will hurt my body and soul to the point of insanity, I don't care if I found my destined soulmate with Fate shoving her right at me, I will always be suicidal. If I wasn't, then my life would be an incomparably boring existence with nothing having happened that was worth living for, but even worse is that I wouldn't know that. I am scared of the people that can be fine, because everything in their world is fine, and they don't understand the weight of their own existence weighing down on them.

Very beautiful writing. It reminds me of the way I sometimes like to pretend to be a philosopher with my words, as I do on occasion. I hope you find peace in your life.
I think I get what you mean. It's scary to think there's so much out there that you would be ignorant of. In fact, a lot of people live in lies, telling and convincing themselves about how "fine" everything is, when in fact it's only that way for them, not being aware of all that is happening out there. And, about "I would choose this path every time", I think I understood it differently the first time, and after reading it a few more times, I got what you really meant. You mean you would choose this path on purpose. Well, my first understanding was that you would choose it because of who you are, but not on purpose. Either way, it got me thinking how, no matter what would have happened in my life, my path would probably be similar. It's more or less what people mean when they say "that's a you problem", but it's not that. It's more like, there's something within me, in my biology, fate-caused or not, that forces me through this path, and there's nothing I can do about it, at least not anything I have found so far. So no matter how much my circumstances change, the same path is traversed, because of something within me I'm not being able to control, for unknown reasons. And well yeah, there's actually the question of whether I'd really want something like that... because of potential consequences. I could become someone who doesn't care at all about others, and sure, that would be bliss for me, and if I was unaware, what difference would it be to me? But to take that leap voluntarily, with full awareness... it makes me think, that in itself is part of my biology, and what ensures that I keep this way. Makes me wonder.

I relate to what you said, I feel like any path my life took would always lead to suicide.
Yeah, this is how I'm feeling also. It's not about external circumstances, it's about something within me, but that is outside my reach.

I really felt this. I've had a lot of good experiences recently, ones that were all I used to want - I finally feel beautiful in my body, I have spaces to go where familiar smiles greet me, even physical love - but even that's not enough to save me anymore.
Me too! Honestly, I've been through some very nice experiences lately, experiences that I never thought I'd live. For further context, I've been in this site and others similar for about a decade now, my point being that I've always been suicidal (and before a decade ago, it was thoughts and ideas, so it was always like this). However, even like this I still want to die. To simply vanish. This life simply wasn't made for me. If anything, someone put me in here on purpose for their own entertainment. But it's not something I could ever really enjoy. The lies, the sadism, the working hard, the adapting... some people seem to really enjoy them. Some seemed to not like it at first, but then they started liking it. Me... it simply doesn't work that way for me.
 
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Blue Dream

Blue Dream

Member
Sep 26, 2024
70
I will always be suicidal. If I wasn't, then my life would be an incomparably boring existence with nothing having happened that was worth living for, but even worse is that I wouldn't know that.

This almost sounds like you're saying suicidal ideation makes your life Not boring.

If you weren't suicidal wouldn't that mean your stance on life being boring and meaningless would change? You'd be thinking your current suicidal self didn't know better instead.
 
PhilosopherInAV0id

PhilosopherInAV0id

The Reaper of Self, Amid the Silence
Jan 28, 2024
38
This almost sounds like you're saying suicidal ideation makes your life Not boring.

If you weren't suicidal wouldn't that mean your stance on life being boring and meaningless would change? You'd be thinking your current suicidal self didn't know better instead.
Well, this is why I added the second part-it's even worse if I don't know. Because then I am just an oblivious person walking through life, which is very scary, at least for me.

And being suicidal IS what makes my life less boring. That's the reason I became suicidal in the first place-there nothing that would really happen if I didn't.
 
A

Aplev

Member
Oct 16, 2021
89
So it's entertaining....?
As a philosopher myself, I feel I get where they're coming from. It's difficult to get at first, but basically different people look at suicide and suicidal ideation in different ways, or with different lens. To some, it's a way to add spice to life so to speak, to make it more special, more passionate, or more entertaining, as you say. In other words, for some it is a choice, not something that is pushed on a person (edit: to me, it's not a choice, but something that is pushed on a person). Not an idea that I feel identified or related with, but one I can understand at some point.
 
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