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- Feb 12, 2023
- 109
i know i've been yapping about my failed partial hanging attempt from last month, but i'm just so fucking pissed. i should have died. if it weren't for the pain, i would be dead right now. my head would've stayed in that rope if it didn't feel like my head was going to explode.
if i died then, i wouldn't currently be in bed, bawling my eyes out over how lonely i feel or how much i hate my existence. i just want it to end.
after the attempt, i actually felt grateful to be alive. i was happy and calm, but that only lasted a week. probably just the new meds. i'm still taking them, but they don't really do anything.
everything in my life is going well. i'm more financially stable than i was before, i'm making new friends all of the time, my grades are meeting/exceeding my standards. yet, i just don't care. if anything, i just feel worse.
all i can think about is how happy and peaceful i felt when i was hanging, before the unbearable pain hit. i was so happy that it was all going to be over.
i don't think i can ever reach that level of peace while living, but now it's all i've been craving.
before, i had always stated that i never wanted to die. i wanted to have the opportunity to live happily, but that opportunity wasn't possible for me.
that feeling is gone now. i want to die. i don't care about living, i don't care about having a happy life. i mean, i still don't think it's possible for me—but even if i did, i don't think i'd care. i'll never be as happy as i was while i was suffocating in that rope, knowing that all my suffering would be over soon. i want to die, living is bringing me so much misery and i'm not even really going through anything. i'm taking every step to recovery, everything is going so well, i've just completely lost interest in living. i'm miserable, i want to die.
if i died then, i wouldn't currently be in bed, bawling my eyes out over how lonely i feel or how much i hate my existence. i just want it to end.
after the attempt, i actually felt grateful to be alive. i was happy and calm, but that only lasted a week. probably just the new meds. i'm still taking them, but they don't really do anything.
everything in my life is going well. i'm more financially stable than i was before, i'm making new friends all of the time, my grades are meeting/exceeding my standards. yet, i just don't care. if anything, i just feel worse.
all i can think about is how happy and peaceful i felt when i was hanging, before the unbearable pain hit. i was so happy that it was all going to be over.
i don't think i can ever reach that level of peace while living, but now it's all i've been craving.
before, i had always stated that i never wanted to die. i wanted to have the opportunity to live happily, but that opportunity wasn't possible for me.
that feeling is gone now. i want to die. i don't care about living, i don't care about having a happy life. i mean, i still don't think it's possible for me—but even if i did, i don't think i'd care. i'll never be as happy as i was while i was suffocating in that rope, knowing that all my suffering would be over soon. i want to die, living is bringing me so much misery and i'm not even really going through anything. i'm taking every step to recovery, everything is going so well, i've just completely lost interest in living. i'm miserable, i want to die.
