Help I'm scared I'll back out or call for help once I took the SN.

[Nitheful]

I am worried that as I get closer to CTB, my survival instincts will override my desire to die and I'll back out. As I get closer, thoughts of how things could get better pop into my head even though I know these thoughts have no merit. My life is irreparably damaged and I understand there is no way to fix it. Still, my mind gives me those thoughts that combat my logic and it's making it difficult to go through with it. How do I overcome this? Should I sabotage my life further so I become so distraught that my anguish in that moment will allow me to just swallow the drink before I have second thoughts? I wanted to do the two day method as well, so not sure how I'll stay consistently willing to CTB for those two days.

 

[compulsoryaliveness]

I'm new to this forum and a bit confused about how to answer these kinda questions without being "pro-life." I am replying to you based on my own experiences, as someone who has been suicidal since I was a child, and is actively planning to ctb.

So with that disclaimer in mind, from personal experience I think those thoughts and rumination are actually useful. Maybe some things still need to be considered for you to be ready? Are the thoughts intrusive and stressful? Or are you thinking about potential solutions?

I think it is probably good to let the thoughts come. Maybe this will make or break whether SI comes up during SN protocol. I have attempted a few times (although it depends what decides "an attempt," sometimes it's broad enough to say several times) and the times I had these thoughts you're talking about directly correlated with whether I had gone through all the other options.

I have made many mind maps over my life to try to combat the rumination, and I think the brain appreciates seeing something on pen and paper so tangible. It is compelling to see how you have no other options - in the physical world, not in the conceptual one.

Sorry for the shit news. Aside from dealing with the thoughts, the other thing I do is get drunk and take benzos. It's fucking terrible though and I don't recommend it. Especially to manage SI if you decide to take the SN.