Venting I'm scared of the new year

[keechu]

I've wanted to die so so badly throughout this year, almost everyday yet I'm still alive and because of that I'm fucking scared of the future. throughout this year i planned to die before/after any major event but I couldn't go through with it and I just don't understand why. maybe it's SI but it's been so long since I've been suicidal that i don't want to do anything anymore. I practically wasted this year and I've nothing planned for the next nor did I study hard for the upcoming exams. I don't see anything for myself in the future except having an absolutely miserable life in the next decade if I keep this up and don't die before 2025 comes around.
like everytime I come up with some bs excuse not to die tomorrow and time just passes by. I don't know how long I can keep this up before breaking down. I don't do anything nowadays- study/work/ helping around, and feel so guilty for being alive.
I just wish I wouldn't wake up tomorrow

 

[finishLana]

generally us being here and thinking about suicide is a form of avoidance of things like "taking actions to make life better" because it's either overwhelming or we lack mental capacity to deal with the issues we have.

I feel you pain and try not to be hard on yourself, whole ctb idea is terrifying to our brains despite of how much we might crave it. We simply don't want to suffer and/or experience pain of seeing consequences of our choices or the lack of those.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also have dread for what lies ahead, all I personally wish for is to never wake again. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Omnia131]

Same
I dread the idea of having to celebrate the end of a horrible year that should have never been. And cheering to a year that I never wanted to see with my own eyes

 

[twistedtransistor69]

Yup. My gut wrenches at the thought of reliving this year

 

[Crash_Bash_Dash]

I feel somewhat same like you do. The agony of just doing nothing and laying around waiting for days to pass in that agony and still unable to end that pain you almost constantly feel in the back of your head. And even if you are able to shake your dreadful feelings sometimes with distractions, it will come back, sometimes with a powerful uppercut and then you will be KO'd by your life's anguishingly overwhelming reality.

 

[keechu]

I feel somewhat same like you do. The agony of just doing nothing and laying around waiting for days to pass in that agony and still unable to end that pain you almost constantly feel in the back of your head. And even if you are able to shake your dreadful feelings sometimes with distractions, it will come back, sometimes with a powerful uppercut and then you will be KO'd by your life's anguishingly overwhelming reality.

this is exactly how I've been in the last few days. honestly if I didn't see the people I care about everyday, I would've ctb long ago...
Everything feels like a distraction or excuse to delay the unavoidable now and I just hate myself so much for that