Venting im sick of everyone and everything

[idestroyedmyselff]

I've been suffering from depression and anxiety since 2022. i've never talked to anyone about it and i've never been to a therapist. i'm really messed up. i hate everyone i know. why is everyone using me? at school everyone calls me a freak or an idiot and bullies me. when i talk to someone on the internet they always block me, when i'm in a relationship i never feel like i'm enough for it, i always ruin it too. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to shower, I don't want to go to school, I don't want to live anymore but I don't want to die either. sometimes when I'm really really sad I cut myself but this year I've been doing it a lot less but in 2022 literally every time someone touched me my wounds would start bleeding and I would feel so bad. school is bad yes but being at home is worse than being at school. When I come home my mom yells at me all the time and literally bullies me. She always says I'm so useless, I look like a pig, I'm depressed, I'm a slut or something like that. why doesn't anyone understand me? I want to kill myself but I am afraid of it. when I die I don't want to suffer or see blood but if I survive I am always in pain. I want to rot in my bed. I don't want to do anything. if I had a choice I wouldn't go to school or go out.
I want to shoot myself when everyone looks at me. they should see what they did to me. they never tried to understand me. my parents too. i hate it. if i had a gun i would shoot everyone before i die. they should die with me. it's their fault. they don't deserve to live. i should get my revenge. i just don't want to do anything. i just sleep in my bed 24/7. if i do that i will be much happier. I'm really messed up. why should I keep living in this world if there's another life or why should I keep living if there's no other life? why doesn't everyone think about suicide? it's so inconceivable, it can't be real. i feel like i'm living in a simulation. should i put an end to all this or should i just do nothing and keep living? sorry if i'm babbling too much, i just wanted to write.

 

[slinkey10]

No easy way to say this and way to many thoughts & emotions to even try and seperate / unpack.
I would suggest you see this as you are at a crisis point & you really need to reach out for counselling / therapy , Im in the uk so not sure how the referral process works where you are but you need to speak to a 'professional' & I know most are crap & will suggest the meds route but, even taking a first step might just shift something enough to give you some mental breathing space and at the least make you feel you have some control over where you go next & make a plan. Not CTB but more trying to seperate some of this stuff which might make it easier to see and manage each piece seperately.

 

[L'absent]

I know the dynamics of existence well. Don't expect to be understood, no one cares how we are. I understand you when you write that you would like revenge. I understand very well.

 

[phantomisgone]

if i had a gun i would shoot everyone before i die. they should die with me. it's their fault. they don't deserve to live. i should get my revenge.

Believe me, I understand wanting to take revenge out on those who wronged you. Here's a personal experience of mine of what I did and the aftermath.

My 's' plans were always that if for some reason, I came back to life, I will get revenge on everyone who did me wrong in the world. My mentality was, well if I can't leave, then everyone will pay for making me suffer. So I went after the person who did me worst.

Story [ Check my post history for these events / timelines ]
In brief, we were best friends since High School. Friendship was one sided. He used me to make new friends, switch majors, and ditched me, after everything I did for him. Ghosted me when I tried to talk things out. Other horrible actions.

The day that I decided to catch the bus, I warned him that I was leaving and it was all going to be over for me. I made a pre-sent message towards people who I cared about. Then I went on the bus.

However, people found me and I was brought back to life. When I came to, I saw that he wished that I was gone for good. That he no longer cared about me.
After being taken to the psych ward, lying to doctors to get me out of there immediately, I tried to talk to him one last time before I carried out my revenge.
He ghosted me.

So I dumped animal shit on his dorm room door. Twice in a row, daily. I let him know it was me, got arrested, then immediately cut ties with him.
- End of Story -

Looking back, I don't regret what I did, but I vowed to never do it again to anyone else because it's my nature to help other people. Besides, what I did was unnecessary because from what I notice, revenge just means that you want the other people to feel how you felt.
In this world, it's nearly impossible to make someone feel how you feel. No matter how many tears, acts of rage, and outbursts, it's all coming from you. Sure people can "understand", but it won't really affect them. People are selfish and selfish people win because they are all in it for themselves.

Sometimes you need to be selfish for yourself and leave everyone else behind. If it means waiting until you get the chance to live on your own, faking it until that day, then do it. Not everyone can help you nor wants to. If anything, you're all on your own.

 

[idestroyedmyselff]

No easy way to say this and way to many thoughts & emotions to even try and seperate / unpack.
I would suggest you see this as you are at a crisis point & you really need to reach out for counselling / therapy , Im in the uk so not sure how the referral process works where you are but you need to speak to a 'professional' & I know most are crap & will suggest the meds route but, even taking a first step might just shift something enough to give you some mental breathing space and at the least make you feel you have some control over where you go next & make a plan. Not CTB but more trying to seperate some of this stuff which might make it easier to see and manage each piece seperately.

Since I was 8 years old, I had police ambulances and psychologists coming to the house every day because of my anxiety attacks. And all the things I told my family were tried and I was made to look guilty. Since then I have incredible distrust and hatred towards psychologists or therapists. They are my trauma and I don't want to see them even if I am on the verge of death. I am not responsible for these things. Those who put me in this state should be treated as crazy, not me. (but thank you)