Story I'm slipping away

[Giraffey]

As some will know from my earlier 'declaration of war' thread, I recently reached out to try and bring my abusive ex-partner to justice and to get the help and support I so desperately need to heal from the deep wounds she inflicted. Yesterday I took another big step and made a self-referral for some proper emotional support.

I have the psychological tools to unpick my thoughts, feelings and emotions, analyse and properly process them (practice what you preach), but one thing I had genuinely underestimated was just how painful the journey of self-discovery can be. I was reading through an archive of messages exchanged between my ex-partner and I when we were together, the gaslighting is obvious. Although the very nature of gaslighting is predicated on plausible-deniability and indecipherable webs of misinformation, I loathe my then-uneducated-self for not spotting the signs, and for lacking the courage to confront her abuse and walk away.

Perhaps the most painful element of all has been how much I underestimated the scale and extent of her abuse and the long-term effects that I still live with. Those who have suffered some form of abuse may recognise this and describe it in their own way - but to me, looking back through the past five years feels as though I was in a coma. I can no longer trust anything that I knew or believed about my ex-partner, our relationship and the emotions we shared, the extensive traumas she claimed to have been through - how much of it was a lie? I don't even think she knows herself.

The birth of our daughter was supposed to be a wonderful, magical event that brought us closer together, but now all I can see is the jealousy. My ex-partner frequently disavowed of our child, claimed she didn't want 'her', called her derisory names and developed deep-set jealousy, forcing me to promise that I wouldn't give our child more attention than I gave to her... I've honestly even begun to doubt whether I was even the father - rationally, logically, I know that I am, but such is the depth of damage to my sanity and memory and evidence of her affairs throughout our relationship that I have no idea what to believe anymore.

I was previously feeling so strong, empowered, motivated and for the first time since I lost my soulmate, hopeful. But now I feel as though I am beginning to slip away, I'm questioning my identity, spates of existential paranoia in the grip of feverish insanity. I'm beginning to doubt whether or not I truly have the strength to pull through this, somewhere deep down I know that I will pull through, but I fear for myself continuing to fall apart when I should be beginning to heal.

So sorry for the dysfunctional venting, I really don't have anyone else to listen and express to at present, it's a lovely thought to imagine that what you have to say matters to someone out there in some small way.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Speaking from my own place of recovery, I know that you can reclaim what you think you lost or gave up, it is not gone. You can reclaim your values and virtues/principles, reclaim the foundations, and they will emerge stronger having been tested. What you went through proved them, even if for a while you lost connection with them. You can't undo the past, change it, or reclaim it, but you can reclaim yourself and move forward with your self.

When you say you loathe yourself for what you did not know, I think that is shame. Shame says one is not enough. You were enough, but your knowledge was lacking. How you could know before you knew you would need to know? It's like blaming a child for not knowing how to use the toilet, and beating the child years later, now that they do. Or blaming the child for not knowing all of the anatomical functions involved in using the toilet, only in your case, you knew the anatomy and functions of psychology, but hadn't had the practical, personal experience to apply the knowledge.

Spoiler: TL;DR

Coming out of gaslighting is hard. It's a gradual process. For me, the awareness of how surreal it was -- and it was plenty surreal at the time, it was a constant state of wtf? -- occasionally comes up anew, and it's discombobulating, and it's a surprise to me that I feel that way. I ground through it, I stay aware and stay accepting of myself as I was when I was in it and as I am. That acceptance helps me to remain with myself. Gaslighting tries to take one away from themself. It denies reality of what's reallly happening and of the self. When I was in it, I didn't have the power to affect it. My mother had all the power in the situation. Although you were an adult, somehow your ex had the power. Now you do. I bet you can find the root causes of where you lacked power so that she could take over and define your shared situation.

This is perhaps not a correct perspective, and I do not know you and would not dare to define you, so please forgive me if I am in error when I say with seeming certainty that you have the inner strength, the fortitude, to face your own shaky and false foundations, whatever lies they may have been built upon, that said she had the power and the rightness, that led you to rely on her because something said that you did not have the power or the rightness. You have the courage to face this, to do this kind of introspection and facing the hard stuff, that an abuser committed to continuing to abuse does not. I believe this because you are already doing the work, and of your own accord.

I see the false foundations with my mother, the stories she believes about her wonderful childhood. She tried to make me believe an alternate story about my own, where I was the cause of her actions, that I was someone to defend against, who had ill intentions, who wanted to control her and split up my parents -- as a toddler. To face what she did, she would have to face the traumas of her childhood, and she clings to the belief that it was happy and that her father was a hero; the same man who beat her mother, who was controlling, who was charismatic and charming, who was gone for work for months a time and abandoned her to her capricious mother, who did many good things like recovering from alcoholism and no longer physically abusing, but in many ways remained a charismatic and controlling ass. She can't look back at her family history on both sides of extreme abuse and control and really see how mind-fuckingly traumatic it was. She can't see how it carried forward. And so in spite of how strong and competent she seems, and how strong she demanded I be, she has never had the strength or the foundation to face reality. I have this strength. I believe you have it, too.

I've come to a recent realization, perhaps it will help. My father ceded to my mother's power. He didn't have the strength to stand up to her for himself, and over time stood up to her less and less for me. He gave in to her definitions of me and of reality. What he did have were certain values, which he expressed to others in the form of being a police officer, of protecting the public, protecting neighbors, being there for people, helping them, being of service, being "Christian." My mother blocked him from helping me. Over the years, the more I denied her control, the more he hated me. At the last, when I demanded acknowledgement and some recompense for the physical abuse, I was discarded. But that wasn't enough. Because I had long been out of contact with their acquaintances and our extended family, and had been living across the country for years, she thought she thought she could act without impunity. She kept up a facade that we still had a relationship. I discovered she got a Facebook account and posted an old photo of us together as her profile photo, and spoke in comments for me as if we were still talking. I didn't out her, but I threatened to, and she deleted the photo with a bit of pushing; deleting it completely had to have fucked things up for her, caused her to have to make something up, I don't know how she managed, don't care. What has bothered me for so long is that my dad, the super-honest guy who hates lying, had to have gone along with it, she couldn't have pulled it off without him being complicit. I recently realized that he ceded his one of his most important values, one of his strongest virtues, to her control. He let go of his foundation that defined him. To recover it, he would have to take his power and control, but he gave it to her long ago. He does not look at his childhood, I know very little of it, but I know it was horrific beyond the bits I've learned. He keeps it closed off from others and from himself. He doesn't know how to do otherwise, it's how he functions. He closes his own self off from himself and others, and I can only imagine how much more isolated he is because he doesn't have the social skills to be comfortable with such a huge deception. I say this because I can now see how important one's foundational virtues are. They are not gone. They can be reclaimed. It may hurt to recognize where one has failed, or has failed their virtues and strong beliefs, but they're never gone, they're always available, the power and strength can be reclaimed. They are the guides. My mother was his compass. For a time, your ex was yours. You can reclaim your own. In my experience, the virtues and the values, the compass, are worth the struggle and they are an incredible reward. They are a foundation when everything else around is uncontrollable and utter shit. They keep me from owning what is not mine to own, and allow me to own myself instead, nothing more. No matter how bad things are, I did not cause those things, and no matter how bad they hurt me, they do not get to define me. They shake me, but they do not get to have my core.

I came across this in some old notes I took, and I'm learning it anew:

"Spiritualiy [for me, virtue] is letting go of the struggle. It is trusting...even if it means I don't necessarilly win. And me not needing to be any more a part of it than I am, and than I'm supposed to be. And with evil there's always a struggle. Evil offers you a power which says, 'If you do what I want, _________ will or won't happen.' Spirituality says, 'It's going to suck sometimes.'"

I recently went through an experience where someone in a position of power abused that power, and in some ways I lost, mostly financially, along with some moments of frustration due to obligations toward me not being met. I had opportunities to recover some of what I lost, to spend my energy and efforts, and to fight back once I was out of the situation and potentially take away some of that person's power. I decided to let it go. Then I rediscovered what I wrote above, and I realized I did indeed let go of the struggle. I decided not to be any more a part of it than I was made to be. I didn't win, but I didn't lose. Yes, some money, but my financial resources didn't take a hit, they just aren't as abundant ans they were supposed to be. That person wanted to take more than tangible things, he wanted to take something from myself and use it, too. I'm out of the struggle.

I've struggled with my parents being next of kin, and how they have the power to publish an obituary and have a service. I have the power to stop them. I have the power to claim the story of my life. I've had the power for some time to fuck up the false foundations of their social support system, too, since it is based on lies. But I realized, what they've been doing is struggle, and I don't need to be a part of it. I don't need to win, I don't want to expend the effort feeding into a toxic situation not of my own creation any more than I wanted to with the asshole I wrote about above. What's most important is that I am myself, and that I am free of their stories, even if others aren't. The situation sucks sometimes, and it sucks that they will have power after I die, but I have claimed myself, and the rest just isn't important, only to them. I am no longer enmeshed in it. I am free. It seems I lost so much by never ceding to my mothers' control and the false family story, but what I lost was not anything I ever really had. Now, I have me. It is more than enough. It is abundance in this shitty wasteland. It is my treasure, my oasis. The recent asshole didn't get close to it. My family won't, either. If you seek it, I hope you find and reclaim and replenish your own abundant treasure and oasis.

 

[Giraffey]

Ah my dear @GoodPersonEffed, you pour so much effort and I dare say - without sounding sycophantic - wisdom, into your replies that it would be criminal not to give them a second, third, perhaps even fourth reading; in order that I may absorb and embrace the knowledge you weave so eruditely into layer after layer of learned, philosophical goodness. That's my way typically poorly articulated way of saying thank you - a mentor and guide to many, a preacher to none.

When you say you loathe yourself for what you did not know, I think that is shame. Shame says one is not enough. You were enough, but your knowledge was lacking. How you could know before you knew you would need to know? It's like blaming a child for not knowing how to use the toilet, and beating the child years later, now that they do. Or blaming the child for not knowing all of the anatomical functions involved in using the toilet, only in your case, you knew the anatomy and functions of psychology, but hadn't had the practical, personal experience to apply the knowledge.

Yes, you are absolutely right. The foundation of my self-loathing is a deeply entrenched sense of shame; a failure to recognise the warning signs and to act on my own distress that led to a failure to protect myself and those around me who have since been hurt. I wonder if my reflecting my emotions back towards myself is actually a defence mechanism in some fashion. The way that blaming ourselves gives us a faux sense of control - we could have foreseen and prevented the atrocity, therefore we can prevent it from ever happening to us again.

I'm acutely conscious that such emotional processing is unhealthy, I'm just not entirely sure I'm ready to 'give up' the 'safety blanket' just yet; just as reminding ourselves that we have a parachute doesn't make leaping out of a plane any less scary, so too I'm definitely afraid of allowing myself to quit self-blame for fear that I might inadvertently allow myself to be vulnerable once more.

This is perhaps not a correct perspective, and I do not know you and would not dare to define you, so please forgive me if I am in error when I say with seeming certainty that you have the inner strength, the fortitude, to face your own shaky and false foundations, whatever lies they may have been built upon, that said she had the power and the rightness, that led you to rely on her because something said that you did not have the power or the rightness. You have the courage to face this, to do this kind of introspection and facing the hard stuff, that an abuser committed to continuing to abuse does not. I believe this because you are already doing the work, and of your own accord.

You know this is something I noticed at the point I finally gathered the strength to walk away and cut all contact forever; no ifs, no buts, no exceptions; her life, her behaviour and her subsequent relationships have continued to follow the same unhealthy and destructive patterns; ultimately her world falls apart as people grow wise and tired to the way they're being treated, and so she begins a new one - yet she continues to gravitate back to me. At first, I thought that it was because I was special - I'm sure that word will send shivers down the spine of anyone ever to have been on the receiving end of a narcissist...

Eventually, I realised that I wasn't the only person she was trying to reel back in, there were other ex's as well. Just as she had been secretly messaging her ex-partners throughout her relationship with me, so she had been secretly messaging me (and others) throughout her subsequent relationships as well. I was but a tool to be used for attention and domination - an emotional footstool; all in exchange for a carrot of some form to chase now and then. The realisation that the foundations upon which I built a significant portion of my adult life were false was a devastating reality, but you are right to say that I have refused to allow that to consume me.

I know that you've also experienced gaslighting as you elaborate above and in other posts that I've read, but I wonder whether part of what makes gaslighting so insidious, so pernicious and harmful, is how in our natural tendency to try to make sense of what has happened, we can continue to doubt our memory of that particular period of our life; effectually 'self-gaslighting'.

Somehow, the narcissist is able to install an 'abuse framework' inside us; a series of negative feedback loops and unhealthy thought patterns that span all emotions, designed to destabilise us whenever we are forced to 'fend for ourselves' without our 'fix' - without them. I still have no idea whether the traumas of multiple sexual assaults, rapes, blackmail, attempted kidnapping and mugging that she claimed to be the victim of, and which I counselled her through were real or lies; the objective evidence would suggest that they were all lies.

But the fact that I still sit and question it is a testament to the continued existence of her abusive framework in my mind. To the contrary GoodPersonEffed, you describe your mother's facade with the Facebook photograph, and of your father's mindset that led him to be complicit in your mother's maltreatment of you. What stands out the very most for me, is the manner in which you describe those events; you are deliberate and calm, almost disinterested.

I don't know if that reflects your inner state of mind, and I too would hesitate to label you, so forgive me if I've misinterpreted this - but I think you have reached a place of acceptance, whereby you are able to disassociate from the past. If your mother was to throw a ball over the fence into your yard, I suspect you would approach it calmly and throw it back without much care or interest in from whence it came or as to whether or not it knocked over a potted plant as you threw it back... You are further in your journey than I am.

Whereas if my ex threw a ball into my yard, the rest of my day would be consumed by over-analysis, well-concealed tirades of invectives... She would never see my emotional reaction, or know that she'd succeeded in getting one - but she still would. To borrow a term from computer security - she would succeed in her "blind attack".

"Spiritualiy [for me, virtue] is letting go of the struggle. It is trusting...even if it means I don't necessarilly win. And me not needing to be any more a part of it than I am, and than I'm supposed to be. And with evil there's always a struggle. Evil offers you a power which says, 'If you do what I want, _________ will or won't happen.' Spirituality says, 'It's going to suck sometimes.'"

How then does one move forward as you have? As always, you succeed in answering the questions before I asked them - I'm quite sure you are not psychic but you most certainly are sagacious.

I believe that I have already begun this part of my journey, of letting go. Reporting my ex-partner to the police and reaching out for emotional support were big steps for me, I no longer felt the obligatory duty to protect her from harm. It may sound callous and cruel, but I care little for whether or not she was actually attacked by any of the innumerable people she has accused of doing so over the years since I've met her; although I am finding it more difficult to let go of my desire to 'resolve' the truth - that is perhaps the scientist within me, ever needing to know the unknowable...

There are important parts of my life that I will genuinely never get back, and damage that will never heal, but perhaps the key to me moving forward is to take a leaf from the emotional regulation I teach my clients, and learn to embrace acceptance - accept that "it's going to suck sometimes".

I'm sorry that I lack the knowledge and eloquence to offer something erudite or profound in return GoodPersonEffed, but thank you once more for sparing the time and effort. I am repeating the line "spirituality is letting go of the struggle" whilst conceding that there are some parts of my struggle which I cannot let go.

Differentiating the external, such as justice and clearing my own name, for which I must continue to fight; and the internal, such as her 'abuse framework' and the events of her life past, present and future - which I must "let go".

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

The way that blaming ourselves gives us a faux sense of control

I had not quite gotten that. Thank you. It adds new perspective ti my understanding in multiple interrelated areas. Blaming discharges uncertainty and fear. I hadn't considered it as being inwardly directed in that way.

I don't know if that reflects your inner state of mind, and I too would hesitate to label you, so forgive me if I've misinterpreted this - but I think you have reached a place of acceptance, whereby you are able to disassociate from the past. If your mother was to throw a ball over the fence into your yard, I suspect you would approach it calmly and throw it back without much care or interest in from whence it came or as to whether or not it knocked over a potted plant as you threw it back... You are further in your journey than I am.

I'm surprised you chose the word dissociated, given your profession. I am not utterly unaffected, but am significantly less and less so. I am detached. Non-enmeshed. But although I was enmeshed, I was never 100% in the abuse frameworks, perhaps a gift of being a scapegoat. Also, being analytical was a survival skill I developed early on -- why the fuck are things this way? I am also naturally interdisciplinary -- every tool I gain can be applied in multiple areas, and each new insight I gain may enhance and even interconnect others I already had. Stoic philosophy has been my latest tool for healing, well-being, and analysis. It's what helped the understanding finally come about my father's enabling, his complicity, and his incongruency -- it's about the compass and foundation of virtues and ethics. I've learned about their value in my own life, which has strengthened my recovery and gotten me to the level of starting to genuinely enjoy being out of the struggle. And can see in others' experiences what happens when they lose touch with them, somehow give them up, or don't have them. The worst, intentional manipulators specifically seek to destroy those foundations, and make one feel as if it were of their own volitional will and participation rather than skillfully coerced.

Studying the basic, earlier texts of Buddhist philosophy has also helped. It resonates with Stoicism, and I actually engaged with it first. Two of the most valuable things I got were the roots of violence and oppression, and the dark chain of causation, which leads to defensiveness. Both of these things keep teaching me, revealing themselves to me in situations and in my responses:

The roots of violence and oppression

"Greed, hatred, and delusion of every kind are unwholesome. Whatever action a greedy, hating, and deluded person heaps up—by deeds, words, or thoughts—that too is unwholesome. Whatever suffering such a person, overpowered by greed, hatred, and delusion, his thoughts controlled by them, inflicts under false pretexts upon another—by killing, imprisonment, confiscation of property, false accusations, or expulsion—being prompted in this by the thought, 'I have power and I want power,' all this is unwholesome too."

(from the Aṅguttara Nikāya 3:69; I 201–2)

The dark chain of causation

"Thus, Ānanda, in dependence upon feeling there is craving; in dependence upon craving there is pursuit; in dependence upon pursuit there is gain; in dependence upon gain there is decision-making; in dependence upon decision-making there is desire and lust; in dependence upon desire and lust there is attachment; in dependence upon attachment there is possessiveness; in dependence upon possessiveness there is niggardliness [stinginess]; in dependence upon niggardliness [stinginess] there is defensiveness; and because of defensiveness, various evil unwholesome things originate—the taking up of clubs and weapons, conflicts, quarrels, and disputes, insults, slander, and falsehood."

(from Dīgha Nikāya 15: Mahānidāna Sutta; II 58)

Source: In the Buddha's Words

I could apply both in many ways to my previous comment, but I'll stay focused on the issue of the balls my mother tosses over my wall, and my detachment. This is something that's developed over time, with other situations as well as well as with her, and is only now really becoming a part of how I deal and become free.

The statement: "I have power, and I want power." This was indeed at the root of my mother's violence and controlling oppression. She had power, and she wanted power over me, especially when in acting in preference to her wishes and convenience.

Now I have power. I have the power to destroy my parents' support network, or greatly weaken and diminish them. That was done repeatedly to me as well, but that's actually not related. I could do it out of exacting justice if I wanted to justify it (and this is not a reflection of anything to do with you and your ex, it is my own autonomous pondering and experience). But that idea never set right with me. At the root, I realized that it would be reactive oppression, doing exactly what I hated having done to me. What good could come of destroying the support network of two old people? I am not engaged with those networks at all and haven't been for years.

I have struggled with how I managed the situation with the Facebook debacle. I took my time to let my emotions calm so that they didn't control my actions. I used the philosophy of consequences in the book Boundaries. My response was extremely effective and ostensibly did no harm. I got victory. Well fucking done. I even got a boost of power that still satisfies to sip from when I want, without needing to seek more. And yet something was dissatisfying and troubling.

I view it now as what Stoics would call a partial victory, and Buddhist philosophy would call a mixture of light and dark karma. I did not first offer reason and give her the choice to accede to my request. I went to the second level first, and made demands, and gave them consequences if not accepted and complied with. I did not approach her with reason and a reciprocal desire of freedom from fear and oppression, but approached with a weapon. I was defensive. I took up clubs and weapons, and entered into conflict and dispute in (measured) reaction to slander, and falsehood, and to their roots, which were false accusations, imprisonment, and expulsion. I was still in her story, and on its foundations, rather than those of my own principles, already started through TAT and EFT. It was after the event that I began to engage in study of Buddhist philosophy. (Note I am not Buddhist. I chose to not pursue any school of Buddhism nor the religion. I do not like the structure or practice of the religion. I don't particularly like Gautama now that I've studied, but gained much from engaging with the philosophy. I chose after searching around to focus only on foundational texts, and use one book as my primary source, InThe Buddha's Words, and that remains my primary reference.)

I am repeating the line "spirituality is letting go of the struggle" whilst conceding that there are some parts of my struggle which I cannot let go.

Differentiating the external, such as justice and clearing my own name, for which I must continue to fight; and the internal, such as her 'abuse framework' and the events of her life past, present and future - which I must "let go".

In my healing work, often with TAT, I repeat that I release all root causes, known and unknown; I release my attachment to them, and their attachment to me. I must allow them to let me go, too. I repeat that I take back myself, my best qualities, my abilities, strengths, talents, skills, inner resources, and awareness.

There is nothing wrong with where you are in your journey. There is nothing wrong with the skipping of steps I took with my mother. I believe it is a part of the process of regaining empowerment and the autonomous self. I get that from Boundaries as well. Anger is an alarm that boundaries have been or are being crossed, and is a friend and guide. Standing up for oneself, one's needs, and one's beliefs is part of reclaming self-resepect and wholeness, integrity. Fighting back is empowering, even when one doesn't get a win. It is at this point all gain.

After a decade of especially focused work, ever learning new skills, philosophies, and perpsectives, I am finally reaching a point of having foundation and wholeness, such that I don't take in and enmesh with externally imposed frameworks, I don't feel as poked or harmed by attacks, and I am less defensive. But I value all of the steps I took to get there, because I was reconnecting with my power and my definition of injustices and justice, and in the fight I became strong, like building muscle, and learned something like martial arts; I am now ever less shaken, ever more balanced, ever more connected with my center and power, and the other external things just aren't shaking it much, and not significantly. Throw something in my yard? I do not own it, and I will decide for myself what to do with it. I may not even throw it back. I may just toss it out, and return to enjoing my yard. It is mine to maintain and enjoy.

How then does one move forward as you have?

Determination.

And fucking knowing what was right.

These are the tools that have most helped me:

TAT (Tapas Acupressure Technique)
EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)
EMDR
Learning about seduction patterns and seducer strategies, which are forms of manipulation and being manipulated to try to get needs met indirectly rather than directly (there is reference to this in Boundaries, it's about unfulfilled wishes)
Boundaries and the other books in the link
In Sheep's Clothing
In the Buddha's Words
Stoicism (most valuable texts for me, Marcus Aurelius's Meditations and The Practicing Stoic)
The FAST acronym for self-respect skills
The BRAVING acronym for assessing relationships
The Five Precepts of Buddhism and much of this explanation of them
Mythologies by Roland Barthes

 

[Giraffey]

I'm surprised you chose the word dissociated, given your profession.

Argh, forgive me, that was a typo and was supposed to read disassociated meaning "to have broken free from".

Studying the basic, earlier texts of Buddhist philosophy has also helped. It resonates with Stoicism, and I actually engaged with it first. Two of the most valuable things I got were the roots of violence and oppression, and the dark chain of causation, which leads to defensiveness. Both of these things keep teaching me, revealing themselves to me in situations and in my responses:

I find this interesting, a dear friend of mine is also very interested in Buddhist philosophy whilst eschewing the Buddhist religion per se. It's not something that I've looked into for many years. One of the things that I found missing in my life after I adopted an increasingly rational worldview was spirituality and a sense of connection to my self. I've done a lot of reading on the Advaitin and Nyaiyāyika philosophies on consciousness; learning to connect with the philosophy on a personal but rational level, without the religious and liturgical ceremonialism.

Given that I find myself connecting with the quotes you shared, I'm inclined to explore the same with the foundational Buddhist texts as you suggest.

Now I have power. I have the power to destroy my parents' support network, or greatly weaken and diminish them. That was done repeatedly to me as well, but that's actually not related. I could do it out of exacting justice if I wanted to justify it (and this is not a reflection of anything to do with you and your ex, it is my own autonomous pondering and experience). But that idea never set right with me. At the root, I realized that it would be reactive oppression, doing exactly what I hated having done to me. What good could come of destroying the support network of two old people? I am not engaged with those networks at all and haven't been for years.

I have had various people come into my life over the years and offer to beat up or otherwise harm my ex-partner; she has secrets that I could spill; affairs that I could reveal to her partners; but my thoughts have always been similar to yours - it just doesn't sit right. For me, the exercise of self-control is a powerful, symbolic gesture; I refuse to engage in the same abusive behaviour against her as she has done unto me. There is no gain, except providing her with more ammunition to fuel her false-victim-complex.

In my healing work, often with TAT, I repeat that I release all root causes, known and unknown; I release my attachment to them, and their attachment to me. I must allow them to let me go, too. I repeat that I take back myself, my best qualities, my abilities, strengths, talents, skills, inner resources, and awareness.

I've never actually encountered the TAT technique before (I shall look it up), but I also repeat positive affirmations. A classic visualisation technique used a lot in hypnotherapy is to imagine bathing in brilliant white light, to see and feel its warmth radiating out from your entire body and surrounding you like a protective shield. I feel where each of my insecurities lays within my body, as tension within my muscles and then I flush it out with my brilliant white light, my shield. I remind myself that I am empowered to choose who and what comes within my shield; if I don't want somebody or something close to me, or if I have a troubling emotion, I blast it out with my light shield.

There is nothing wrong with where you are in your journey. There is nothing wrong with the skipping of steps I took with my mother. I believe it is a part of the process of regaining empowerment and the autonomous self. I get that from Boundaries as well. Anger is an alarm that boundaries have been or are being crossed, and is a friend and guide. Standing up for oneself, one's needs, and one's beliefs is part of reclaming self-resepect and wholeness, integrity. Fighting back is empowering, even when one doesn't get a win. It is at this point all gain.

You're absolutely right. I remember the first time I actually did stand up for myself to my ex. At first, she was receptive, as if she understood; but soon she exploited the situation and re-exerted her power over me. I broke down. I was experiencing anger but directed it inwards; I imploded; the first time she ever saw me cry. I look back to that moment and my first thought is usually - "how could I have been so weak?". But then I consider that perhaps I was not weak, it took courage to stand up for myself, even though I was ultimately doomed to lose.

After a decade of especially focused work, ever learning new skills, philosophies, and perpsectives, I am finally reaching a point of having foundation and wholeness, such that I don't take in and enmesh with externally imposed frameworks, I don't feel as poked or harmed by attacks, and I am less defensive. But I value all of the steps I took to get there, because I was reconnecting with my power and my definition of injustices and justice, and in the fight I became strong, like building muscle, and learned something like martial arts; I am now ever less shaken, ever more balanced, ever more connected with my center and power, and the other external things just aren't shaking it much, and not significantly. Throw something in my yard? I do not own it, and I will decide for myself what to do with it. I may not even throw it back. I may just toss it out, and return to enjoing my yard. It is mine to maintain and enjoy.

I may perhaps be stretching your intended meaning, but I interpreted this to mean "re-connecting and re-identifying with oneself", and particularly in my case "re-embracing autonomy" ie. not enmeshing with externally imposed frameworks. Would you say that there was any particular tool (or set of tools) that were foundational to you? As in those that laid the groundwork for you to take your first steps on your journey?

I have an arsenal of tools and techniques at my disposal and a good understanding of my ex-partner's abusive behaviour; such that I recognised the early warning signs in a subsequent fledging relationship and felt empowered to walk away; what I appear to lack is a sense of immediate direction or 'what to do next'.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Would you say that there was any particular tool (or set of tools) that were foundational to you? As in those that laid the groundwork for you to take your first steps on your journey?

These:

TAT (Tapas Acupressure Technique)
EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)
EMDR
Learning about seduction patterns and seducer strategies, which are forms of manipulation and being manipulated to try to get needs met indirectly rather than directly (there is reference to this in Boundaries, it's about unfulfilled wishes)

The foundational work was almost all about boundaries and clearing patterns.

Your shield work fits in the framework of boundary work.

Seduction patterns and seducer strategies are about boundaries -- what goes out and how, what comes in and how, and how such things are sought and attempted to be used for other than their intended purposes. You may want to look up Judith Swack seduction patterns and strategies.