Venting I'm so depressed, I wanna fucking die. - VENT (Somewhat NSFW/18+)

[j1nxxb0yjj4ke]

Sorry for posting this, I have no friends, no one.
And even if, I wouldn't want them to know how I feel about evth.

God, I am so depressed, sad. I want to die. I feel like shit.
I HATE myself. I hate hate hate myself so much.
I'm a disgusting whore.
My schizophrenia and DID are both right, I should lock myself in a fucking basement and let myself fucking decompose.
I don't even know why I got so depressed.

Sure, I am mentally ill but.., I felt fine a few days, a week before.
I don't want to live.
I just wanna cry, I want to sleep. I want to die.


(The somewhat NSFW part):


My 'boyfriend/fiancé' probably also hates me, despises me. I'm a useless, disgusting whore with no use.
He said he cant phantom sleeping with me because of my past partners and because I got raped in the past and he cant see himself being dom (praying, that he said all that just out of the blue though..)
Idk why, but this hurt so much.
I know it'll sound like I'm a weird fucked up whore but I (just) want him, only him. I want him to own me.
My body belongs to him, and I want him to do whatever he wants with it. Cut it, strangle it, leave it marked, fuck it, what-fucking-ever.
And after his messages, idk I felt like he doesn't want me anymore.
(idk if he will break up with me soon, it feels like he will. - It feels like he deserves better, for sure. But I cant live without him. - btw J, if you're reading this.., im sorry)

I'd appreciate all and anything.
My BPD, depression, and anxiety are fucked up high right now.
I wish I killed myself when I still could.
I wish he'll change his mind, I wish he also won't leave.
I wish we'll see each other tomorrow and it'll be better than any other date again
I wish, I wish, I wish..
God, I'm pathetic.

I'll take a nap and then go n try finish the cake I started for my sis..
Pray for me that I'll either die or learn to shut the fuck up.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

First off, you aren't a whore for having had multiple partners in the past, let alone for being raped. If men aren't considered whores for having multiple past partners then why should the same apply to women? If he is that insecure that is his problem, not yours. You haven't done anything wrong.

Secondly, you should break up with him. Nobody who truly loves and cares about you would ever say such cruel things to you. It's clear that he doesn't truly value you as a person if he is willing to insult you like that all because he happens to have a frail ego. Somebody who is willing to insult someone and view them as worthless over something like having been raped is somebody whose opinion you really shouldn't care about.

Thirdly, your body doesn't belong to him. Your body is yours. Anything that happens to it will impact you, not him. You deciding to submit yourself to him and letting him do whatever he wants to you comes down to you and whether you consent to it or not. If he can't even fathom having sex with you just because he is raped then you shouldn't give any access to your body. You shouldn't even bother being in a relationship with him. It's clear that he doesn't truly care about you and views you as an object he gains pleasure from rather than a fully fledged human with their own feelings and experiences. Any good partner would have reacted to this scenario by comforting you and treating you with the utmost respect. You didn't do anything wrong.

 

[Namelesa]

Just cause you are a woman doesn't mean you are not allowed to have previous partners. Women are allowed to have previous dating and sexual experiences. You are especially not a whore or disgusting for being raped as that was out of your control and forced upon you. He just sounds like a terrible person for being insecure for you have experience and not comforting you about being raped.

You are also not disgusting for having those sexual thoughts and fantasies. I am fan of BDSM and have similar fantasies and sexual desires to you. That doesn't make me a whore or a slut for liking those things (tho I do like to be called those things during the act.) There are ways to go about these fantasies in a healthy way. Your body is always yours tho and should only be treat as someone else's property during role-play, not in actual reality, and you should be able to stop the other person from treating you that way if you start to dislike it and no longer consent to it.