Venting I'm so fucking isolated

[how2leavetown]

first post after getting approved because I scared my partner by getting too close to saying I was planning on ctb, and tried to make myself stop thinking about it even though it's been my plan for the majority of my life. but now they're dealing with a close family member's death, so I know I can't say anything to them that might be difficult to deal with, and that means I have nobody around me who will support me with my mh. I'm not close enough with any of my friends to talk about anything like that, and it's very... I'm not self-loathing enough to think they wouldn't miss me at all, but I really don't think it would be that bad for them. it's like I'm on the other side of a window, watching them all care about each other in ways they never will for me. I've done everything right. I first went to therapy almost a decade ago. I've been on various meds that always stop working after a few months. I have complex PTSD that shows no sign of responding to treatment. and I'll never shake this feeling of being so fucking alone. the amount of effort I have to constantly put into not ctb feels like it's not worth it and it never has been, I've just been deluding myself with the hope that it gets better when I know full well that sometimes, it doesn't.
meaningless vent that doesn't really mean anything. I just needed somewhere I could say stuff where I won't immediately get the response of the same "reasons not to die" that I've heard a million times before and have never been true for me.

 

[ForestGhost]

Really sorry you're feeling so isolated. It sucks that when you're deepest in the shit and really could use someone to vent to, well, you can't because it's just too much to drop on them. I hope joining this community can bring you a modicum of comfort at least

ps. I like the name and avatar c: Souls popped up on my playlist right as I started typing this

 

[attheend13]

first post after getting approved because I scared my partner by getting too close to saying I was planning on ctb, and tried to make myself stop thinking about it even though it's been my plan for the majority of my life. but now they're dealing with a close family member's death, so I know I can't say anything to them that might be difficult to deal with, and that means I have nobody around me who will support me with my mh. I'm not close enough with any of my friends to talk about anything like that, and it's very... I'm not self-loathing enough to think they wouldn't miss me at all, but I really don't think it would be that bad for them. it's like I'm on the other side of a window, watching them all care about each other in ways they never will for me. I've done everything right. I first went to therapy almost a decade ago. I've been on various meds that always stop working after a few months. I have complex PTSD that shows no sign of responding to treatment. and I'll never shake this feeling of being so fucking alone. the amount of effort I have to constantly put into not ctb feels like it's not worth it and it never has been, I've just been deluding myself with the hope that it gets better when I know full well that sometimes, it doesn't.
meaningless vent that doesn't really mean anything. I just needed somewhere I could say stuff where I won't immediately get the response of the same "reasons not to die" that I've heard a million times before and have never been true for me.

Nothing makes me feel more alone and isolated than " it will get better". I can assure you that it won't. No matter how many self help groups and workshops you take, affirmation or gratitude journals you compose, sessions with a therapist you consent to. It never gets better. I'm sorry you're down here in the pit, but you do have company down here.