Venting I'm so jealous of naturally beautiful people.

[nir]

I am so, so lonely. I am 26. I have basically no irl friends, no romantic relationships, nothing. I am... quite ugly. Not in a body-dysmorphic kind of way, in a way that has been confirmed by many people (and doctors). I have a very unbalanced nose, weak jaw, poorly distributed facial features, etc. I also have signs of premature ageing from stress. I started going grey in high school.

In high school, I lived in a small town of around 10 000 people. So guys were desperate for any kind of romantic connection, even with ugly girls. I had several "relationships" (looking back, I was being used), and I fell in love with "love".

Now, I live in a major city. People have a lot of options here. No one is interested in me. I haven't been on a date in five, six years? Let alone anything else. I am so lonely it causes chest pains sometimes. Which sounds so pathetic and dramatic, but somehow it's true?? My heart aches like something is wrong with it. I had a scan because I thought I might actually be dying once. No. Just lonely. Wtf???

I have 20k saved up for plastic surgery, but honestly I'm probably going to need to save up around 50k to look "normal". And for what... to look "normal" by the age of 30? 35? I feel like all my "good" years are passing me by.

I hate being ugly. I hate being lonely. I hate being uninteresting and untalented. I'm not a good person either, though I wish I was. There's so much wrong with me. The more I interact with people irl, the more I feel like some monstrous alien who just ruins everything she touches. I'm so awkward, so annoying. I'm not smart, I'm not fun to be around. The only way I could ever attract anyone to stay with me will be through becoming somewhat okay looking, but that's going to take years and some painful, expensive surgery. I can't believe that some people are just BORN pretty. I am so jealous of them.

A pretty stupid rant given the extreme issues that some people post here, but still. Looking at myself in the mirror makes me want to kill myself. No matter how much I starve myself, no matter how many supplements I take or skincare products I buy, or clothing I style, I will look like shit until I'm cut open and rearranged to look like a normal girl.

My only solace is that it's coming up to long-sleeve season, so I can start cutting my arms again without worrying about my coworkers seeing. Yippee /s

 

[CantDoIt]

One of my major reasons to ctb is being ugly due to premature aging. Basically everything has to come together for it to happen as badly as it did. My parents were ultra outdoorsy and even though I preferred to be inside they made me come outside with them constantly from about 5 to 18 under the blazing hot sun, and were lazy on sunscreen. For some reason I hated the texture of sunscreen and also hated hats and sunglasses (anything on my head I hated lmao) I had severe emotional problems since 15 including depression, anxiety, anger, self image, etc issues which causes me to start stressing early. I became very thin at an early age because I ran in high school even though I hated running. I don't hold any fat in my face and my skin is thin. I had an addiction to sugary and fatty foods and there you go! The only thing I didn't do was substance abuse and if I was literally any other type of person this never would have happened. I was thinking about doing some cosmetic procedures but it's like...my premature aging started at 21, which I probably deserve for more getting my emotions In check before then. I will never know what it's like to age normally like the vast majority of people and I'm so bitter I don't know if I even want to try fixing anything.

I am so sorry you're also going through premature aging. It sucks so bad, but I'm sure you look better than you think even if the things you see are there. I see a lot of people saying they look ugly and the vast majority aren't ugly at all! But even if you were "right," it does truly truly suck. I'm so sorry, I wish you didn't have to go through this.

Also, I'm sorry for the long 'return' story. It's just that I relate so much to this and share a lot of the same feelings, in addition to your self hated of your personality and etc ...I don't think you deserve to hate yourself this much and should give yourself some grace.

 

[-Link-]

I did read every word you wrote here.

This doesn't seem so much a "pretty stupid rant" as it does a personal story of a longstanding severe self-hatred which would take an extraordinary toll on anybody going through it.

I'm sorry you're suffering so badly with this.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I've had that chest pain before, I know exactly what you're feeling. I have a distinct memory of being on my first trip to see my relatives in Italy, walking around these ancient Roman monuments, and all I could think about was how I felt so ugly as to be inhuman, a beast more than a human. Just existing in the external world was painful because I couldn't look around without seeing someone who was literal perfection, and then in contrast there was just me.

Btw which city are you in, if you're comfortable sharing? I'm also in Canada. (You can PM if needed).

 

[mango-meridian]

I don't know what "unbalanced nose" means, but the only time I look at someone's nose and think, "wow, that's ugly" is when it goes out and then down with a sharp angle, sort of like a stereotypical witch's nose.

I hate to be that person but I think there is a chance you are viewing yourself more harshly than those around you.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I don't know what "unbalanced nose" means, but the only time I look at someone's nose and think, "wow, that's ugly" is when it goes out and then down with a sharp angle, sort of like a stereotypical witch's nose.

Kind of weird to make a disparaging comment about a particular facial feature (one that other members on here with body image issues on here might have) under a post about body image issues ...

 

[SalmitasalmaSal86]

:(

 

[Golemishna]

Im sorry. We live in a very materialistic society. Looks shouldnt matter. Although ive met good looking people that are very insecure too. In the end, no one is safe from self doubt and hatred.

 

[nir]

Kind of weird to make a disparaging comment about a particular facial feature (one that other members on here with body image issues on here might have) under a post about body image issues ...

It's actually the kind of nose I have while I don't think it's ugly on everyone, it is certainly hideeeous on me. It's really bad. Can't wait for surgery for it. It'll be a big improvement when it's gone.

 

[CantDoIt]

It's actually the kind of nose I have while I don't think it's ugly on everyone, it is certainly hideeeous on me. It's really bad. Can't wait for surgery for it. It'll be a big improvement when it's gone.

My friend has a nose like this, in highschool. I think she was very pretty but she got a nose job....whatever makes people happy.

 

[nir]

Im sorry. We live in a very materialistic society. Looks shouldnt matter. Although ive met good looking people that are very insecure too. In the end, no one is safe from self doubt and hatred.

Yes, I have met self-conscious pretty people too. But they still benefit from pretty privilege even if they don't think they're pretty. Studies show people are nicer to you if you're pretty.
Back when I had friends, I noticed that people always treated them nicer than me. I wondered what I was doing wrong and tried being nicer, more generous, learning to be funny, etc. But I eventually was told straight-up by someone that I was just uglier than my friends, and that was the reason. He was being very honest which I appreciated, but it broke my spirit a bit.

One of my major reasons to ctb is being ugly due to premature aging. Basically everything has to come together for it to happen as badly as it did. My parents were ultra outdoorsy and even though I preferred to be inside they made me come outside with them constantly from about 5 to 18 under the blazing hot sun, and were lazy on sunscreen. For some reason I hated the texture of sunscreen and also hated hats and sunglasses (anything on my head I hated lmao) I had severe emotional problems since 15 including depression, anxiety, anger, self image, etc issues which causes me to start stressing early. I became very thin at an early age because I ran in high school even though I hated running. I don't hold any fat in my face and my skin is thin. I had an addiction to sugary and fatty foods and there you go! The only thing I didn't do was substance abuse and if I was literally any other type of person this never would have happened. I was thinking about doing some cosmetic procedures but it's like...my premature aging started at 21, which I probably deserve for more getting my emotions In check before then. I will never know what it's like to age normally like the vast majority of people and I'm so bitter I don't know if I even want to try fixing anything.

I am so sorry you're also going through premature aging. It sucks so bad, but I'm sure you look better than you think even if the things you see are there. I see a lot of people saying they look ugly and the vast majority aren't ugly at all! But even if you were "right," it does truly truly suck. I'm so sorry, I wish you didn't have to go through this.

Also, I'm sorry for the long 'return' story. It's just that I relate so much to this and share a lot of the same feelings, in addition to your self hated of your personality and etc ...I don't think you deserve to hate yourself this much and should give yourself some grace.

Maybe it's funny to say, but I don't know if I "hate" myself per se. I'm pretty patient with a lot of my shortcomings. I don't punish myself like I used to for most things. Really, my biggest thing against myself is how ugly I am. Yes my personality sucks, but lots of people with bad personalities still don't have to be lonely. I think I'm just angriest about being hideous. The rest I'm more forgiving of myself for.

Premature ageing is so cruel. People thought I was an adult by age 12. I am not kidding. It was horrible. I have never felt young. I'm sorry you're also going through it. God, it sucks doesn't it?

I did read every word you wrote here.

This doesn't seem so much a "pretty stupid rant" as it does a personal story of a longstanding severe self-hatred which would take an extraordinary toll on anybody going through it.

I'm sorry you're suffering so badly with this.

<3 <3

I really don't know if self-hatred is how I would describe it. I hate these attributes of myself. But myself in general, I tolerate. I reeeeally hate my ugliness, but I kinda see it separate from me, if that makes sense. What I see as "me" is my consciousness. I'm embarrassed of the human shell I exist in, because it's hideous, but it isn't "me" that I hate. It's this body that I'm in. I hate my ugliness, but I'm indifferent to a lot of my other aspects. I do hate how awkward I am and stuff, but it's a lot less of an intense hate.

My friend has a nose like this, in highschool. I think she was very pretty but she got a nose job....whatever makes people happy.

Some people look gorgeous with it. I look... bad. Straight up bad, lmao. It's funny how bad it looks. Like on a Sims generator, if you just slide the dials all over the place... that's the vibes. Not great

 

[whywere]

1st off, you are BEAUTIFUL! Yep, you read that right, BEAUTIFUL. Being 68, I have been around, as far as I have dated so, so many and the number 1 attraction is personality period.

Reading your thread, one thing stood out like a bright beam of light, and that is your awesome and loving personality.

NO ONE is beautiful, no one ever. Everyone has their "faults" and NOT being sexists ever, but I have gone out with "model" looking ladies and I was bored in 2 seconds, as they could not carry a conversation, had to clue where they were headed in life, just that at that moment they thought that they were the center of the universe.

Always try and remember that when one is sitting across from each other at the dinner table, like x decades after getting married, everything starts to sag, and it is what is INSIDE that matters 100%.

Also look at this aspect, some folks who have money, fame and what seems to be everything wind up overdosing?! REALLY! If they had everything by the tail including awesome looks, then why do they turn to street drugs?

You are a BEAUTIFUL, LOVELY soul with a charming personality and brains and these qualities are forever, looks if there is such a thing, go by the wayside as the years click along.

Lots of HUGE hugs, love, caring thoughts to you my awesome friend.

Walter

 

[nir]

I've had that chest pain before, I know exactly what you're feeling. I have a distinct memory of being on my first trip to see my relatives in Italy, walking around these ancient Roman monuments, and all I could think about was how I felt so ugly as to be inhuman, a beast more than a human. Just existing in the external world was painful because I couldn't look around without seeing someone who was literal perfection, and then in contrast there was just me.

Btw which city are you in, if you're comfortable sharing? I'm also in Canada. (You can PM if needed).

I live in Ontario. There's a few post-secondary institutions in my city, and I swear to god all the most beautiful women in Ontario come here for school... I mean, I understand why, it's not like Ontario has many big cities to pick in general, but oh my god.

I never have been to the club/to a bar because I know these girls will all be there. I look like a corpse next to them, not in a good way. Like in an uncanny valley, oh-god-that's-not-right kind of way. They look so alive and so young and beautiful and I look barely reanimated lmao.

I don't have any anger towards them, though. I think what makes me hesitant to be in any communities online for ugly people is the venom shown towards pretty people. They didn't choose to be pretty (and if they did through surgery, I'm still not mad - I want to do that too??) I think the anger people throw their way is gross. Jealousy sucks, we all have it, but don't put others down because you can't stand to see them succeed. Unnecessary.

I've been to Europe once and was horrified by how beautiful and put-together the women there were. I feel like Italy would be...humbling, lmao. Statues, art, people, etc... I would be feeling very small. Not in a weight-way. Unfortunately.

1st off, you are BEAUTIFUL! Yep, you read that right, BEAUTIFUL. Being 68, I have been around, as far as I have dated so, so many and the number 1 attraction is personality period.

Reading your thread, one thing stood out like a bright beam of light, and that is your awesome and loving personality.

NO ONE is beautiful, no one ever. Everyone has their "faults" and NOT being sexists ever, but I have gone out with "model" looking ladies and I was bored in 2 seconds, as they could not carry a conversation, had to clue where they were headed in life, just that at that moment they thought that they were the center of the universe.

Always try and rememebr that when one is sitting across from each other at teh dinner tabl, like x decades after getting married, e

Ah Walter, bless you. You're a ray of sunshine on this decently gloomy website <3

I'm sure some of my traits are beautiful to some. Not my physical ones. But although my personality is...lacking, I guess some people have standards that might see it as alright. I just have so much work to do, and I feel like I'm wasting so much time just on my bed, staring at my ceiling or my phone. I don't go out, except alone. I don't have friends. I just kinda watch time pass.

I hope I can make up for lost time when I get surgery. I agree looks fade, time progresses, what is inside is what matters. But I also just yearn for someone to think I'm pretty. Which is stupid. But I want someone to think I'm pretty, and actually think it. I want to look people in the eye and not be afraid that they think I'm disgusting.

 

[kat6]

Being conventionally attractive in a physical sense usually takes luck (genetics), money for procedures and effort (keep up with skincare, work out etc). Some people have all of it, some have some, some have none.

I hate that you're going through that and feel bad in your own skin. Everyone deserves to be feel comfortable with themselves, and if cosmetic procedures would help you feel better, then I'm all for it. Please don't say 30-35 is too late to be attractive though. That HURT. I will fight you. Lmao

BUT I think there are 3 separate issues here from what you described: 1- you don't like your physical appearance, 2- you feel lonely and 3- you feel unfulfilled. Looking a different way might help you with 1 and improve your confidence for 2 and 3. But it won't fix those issues. Being naturally pretty by your standards might get you more attention. But not necessarily the right kind.

I think you should try to find something you're passionate about. A hobby, maybe. Something to make you feel more fulfilled… and through that, you might make some genuine connections too that go beyond just looks.

 

[pyx]

valid reason. we are a meritocratic and vain species

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I live in Ontario. There's a few post-secondary institutions in my city, and I swear to god all the most beautiful women in Ontario come here for school... I mean, I understand why, it's not like Ontario has many big cities to pick in general, but oh my god.

I never have been to the club/to a bar because I know these girls will all be there. I look like a corpse next to them, not in a good way. Like in an uncanny valley, oh-god-that's-not-right kind of way. They look so alive and so young and beautiful and I look barely reanimated lmao.

I don't have any anger towards them, though. I think what makes me hesitant to be in any communities online for ugly people is the venom shown towards pretty people. They didn't choose to be pretty (and if they did through surgery, I'm still not mad - I want to do that too??) I think the anger people throw their way is gross. Jealousy sucks, we all have it, but don't put others down because you can't stand to see them succeed. Unnecessary.

I've been to Europe once and was horrified by how beautiful and put-together the women there were. I feel like Italy would be...humbling, lmao. Statues, art, people, etc... I would be feeling very small. Not in a weight-way. Unfortunately.

Are you from Toronto or Ottawa?

I do relate quite a bit to walking around, especially on campus, and witnessing all the beautiful women around my age going about their business. Some of them are so pretty and on one hand I can't help but feel happy for them, but on the other hand it does kind of sting. It also doesn't help that a lot of them are smarter than me, which only further makes me feel like shit, lol.

 

[CantDoIt]

Maybe it's funny to say, but I don't know if I "hate" myself per se. I'm pretty patient with a lot of my shortcomings. I don't punish myself like I used to for most things. Really, my biggest thing against myself is how ugly I am. Yes my personality sucks, but lots of people with bad personalities still don't have to be lonely. I think I'm just angriest about being hideous. The rest I'm more forgiving of myself for.

Premature ageing is so cruel. People thought I was an adult by age 12. I am not kidding. It was horrible. I have never felt young. I'm sorry you're also going through it. God, it sucks doesn't it?

My ugliness is the main reason I hate myself but I have others.

I looked young for my age up until I started doing stupid stuff and reaped what I sewed. I am a guy actually, so I didn't do skincare (which is also stupid), but most people just ended up avoiding all the stupid stuff I did by chance or by circumstance. I asked a skincare forum for advice and they basically said I was body dysmorphic and pretended like my premature aging was normal and I felt gaslighted.

I'm sorry everyone thought you were older, for a kid that must especially suck! :( kids deserve to feel young and tbh so do young adults! Personality matters but it sucks to look like a decade older than your peers because of just...everything coming together perfectly. I hope you can feel better about yourself in the long run, and people will absolutely date you anyway. Source: me

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I live in Ontario. There's a few post-secondary institutions in my city, and I swear to god all the most beautiful women in Ontario come here for school... I mean, I understand why, it's not like Ontario has many big cities to pick in general, but oh my god.

I never have been to the club/to a bar because I know these girls will all be there. I look like a corpse next to them, not in a good way. Like in an uncanny valley, oh-god-that's-not-right kind of way. They look so alive and so young and beautiful and I look barely reanimated lmao.

I don't have any anger towards them, though. I think what makes me hesitant to be in any communities online for ugly people is the venom shown towards pretty people. They didn't choose to be pretty (and if they did through surgery, I'm still not mad - I want to do that too??) I think the anger people throw their way is gross. Jealousy sucks, we all have it, but don't put others down because you can't stand to see them succeed. Unnecessary.

I've been to Europe once and was horrified by how beautiful and put-together the women there were. I feel like Italy would be...humbling, lmao. Statues, art, people, etc... I would be feeling very small. Not in a weight-way. Unfortunately.

Yeah I'm in Montreal and I avoid the area around McGill like the plague because everyone is so young and beautiful, and they're actual active participants in their own lives. That's not to say they don't have their own issues, lord knows university can be a tumultuous time, but it's just the contrast that gets me, especially because I also struggle with that feeling of being prematurely aged.

That's good that you have your head on your shoulders about the fact that none of us chose this, we are all just victims of happenstance in the end. IMHO that fact should serve to temper us towards others, to help us give them grace.

I hope I can make up for lost time when I get surgery. I agree looks fade, time progresses, what is inside is what matters. But I also just yearn for someone to think I'm pretty. Which is stupid. But I want someone to think I'm pretty, and actually think it. I want to look people in the eye and not be afraid that they think I'm disgusting.

It's not stupid to want this, I've spent a long time wanting it too. I'd even take a "You look nice today."

 

[Leiot]

I read somewhere that we compare our blooper reel to everyone else's Greatest Hits. I do that all the time. I hate myself so often.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Your reason for wanting to CTB are not any less valid than anyone else's reason here.

Physical self-esteem issues ranks pretty high on the list IMO. It eats away at the human body's natural longing to feel desired.

Especially in this day and age when there are so many people to see on social media.

 

[shadow_nova]

I feel you OP ):

 

[heavyeyes]

As a fellow ugly girl I feel you Your situation is similar to mine. I wish you luck in pursuing plastic surgery someday!! I hope it helps you feel better about yourself and you'll have a better quality of life :)

 

[whywere]

As a fellow ugly girl I feel you Your situation is similar to mine. I wish you luck in pursuing plastic surgery someday!! I hope it helps you feel better about yourself and you'll have a better quality of life :)

You are an extremely lovely and loving soul and NEVER EVER let anyone tell you differently.

At my age, I have seen and dated ladies from all stripes and walks of life and those with huge attitudes and of self-importance are never worth it. It is folks like YOU and @nir who make this world so darn lovely and worthwhile.

Wishing you an awesome upcoming weekend filled with hugs, love and the knowledge that you are a beacon of love and inspiration to me, and I bet so many others.

Walter

 

[nir]

As a fellow ugly girl I feel you Your situation is similar to mine. I wish you luck in pursuing plastic surgery someday!! I hope it helps you feel better about yourself and you'll have a better quality of life :)

The idea that one day I could look normal is what is keeping me going right now, tbh.

Wishing you luck too <3 we got this

Yeah I'm in Montreal and I avoid the area around McGill like the plague because everyone is so young and beautiful, and they're actual active participants in their own lives. That's not to say they don't have their own issues, lord knows university can be a tumultuous time, but it's just the contrast that gets me, especially because I also struggle with that feeling of being prematurely aged.

That's good that you have your head on your shoulders about the fact that none of us chose this, we are all just victims of happenstance in the end. IMHO that fact should serve to temper us towards others, to help us give them grace.


It's not stupid to want this, I've spent a long time wanting it too. I'd even take a "You look nice today."

Ugh, Montreal is so fun but every time I go, I just see so many beautiful, artsy, happy young people and I want to scream. Still jealous you live there, lol. Ontario is a shitshow.

 

[sickoceanbunny]

im glad to know I'm not the only one

 

[lotus11]

imagine how much easier life must be if you are just born naturally incredibly good looking....also with great genetics like being tall, especially for a man, having a fast metabolism never having to worry about your weight etc.....all these things have consumed my life it must be amazing to be born with it.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I read somewhere that we compare our blooper reel to everyone else's Greatest Hits. I do that all the time. I hate myself so often.

I mean, I'm just one big blooper reel so...