I’m so lonely

[Renv1o_]

I've dropped uni for the year, my step dad is dead and my whole family are struggling mentally and are often in and out of hospital. Everything is so pointless.
I'm more selfish and worthless than ever before.

I have no motivation to talk to anyone and I'm struggling to get out of bed once again. Every interaction feels so forced and this constant, morbid feeling follows me everywhere. I can't sleep without nightmares and get up without anxiety. I'm so fucking tired.

I feel so alone- Even on here, I feel like an out of place freak. No matter where I go, I'm so disconnected. I never feel alive or human. I just want to be done with it all.

Each night, I pray something awful happens to finally kill me off because i'm too fucking scared to take responsibility and disappoint others by my own death. I'm sick of this suffocating feeling. I've tried being sweet and welcoming to everyone I meet, and all it does is make me feel even more out of place. I'm not deserving of love or capable of loving without being terrified. Please just let me die.

 

[Dingo67]

It sounds like you're really going through a lot it. I think it's wrong to say you're not deserving of love, everyone is. I hope things get better for you. I think a lot of people feel alone now a days, even if most don't say it. I can relate to praying for bad things to happen to myself before, so you're at least not alone in that.

 

[Clam]

You're not alone on this, each day it feels like I try to hang into a rope that brings me close to everyone but in a weird way if I try to climb it I just get further away from each person I've met, even my family. It's really, really tough and I think whatever I say will not stop your thoughts. However I do think it's a mistake "being sweet and welcoming to everyone I meet", just be you and that's more than enough. Don't be so hard on yourself! Just the fact you're telling it, even if it's in a forum, it's a sign of wanting to beat this and that already has gained my admiration, don't be so hard on yourself, I think you'll do better. I truly root for you and that everything goes good.