Excuse my shitty grammar and syntax, my hands have been shaking all day and I can't be bother right now, so bare with me
Also this won't make sense to anyone ho doesn't know me already lol idc sorry
I'm so effing tired to fight for everything. It feels like everything was taken away from me before I could even try. I always arrived too late for things and when I finally get to be where I was meant to be things gets fucked. It's like waiting all day to go home and have a piece of cake, only to open the fridge and finding mold on it. MOLD!
Ok, so what was this all for, then? Honestly, I'm so pissed about everything that I'm not even thinking about ctb, but I am so ready to fight till I die. I swear to god, I don't care anymore how much I'm risking and if my health will decline even more or anything else. I feel like this is going to kill me, I feel death all over me. Because of these shakes, my chronic pain, everything. My hopes and dreams died today. I don't care about anything. I feel like what I'm doing is a form of ctb, in a sense, because I don't trust this body, and I am afraid if I pushed it too much it might actually give up. But you know what? I only have one thing left to fight for, and if that means to end up i the hospital or dead, then so be it.
This world is so fucked up, but it won't have me till this stupid body will decide to collapse on the ground.
Damn It, I didn't want to fight for basic shit like this but here we are!
I am just so sad that I'm giving up my dreams for what should be taken for granted. I wish I wasn't marked by hell because of my disability, my sexuality or my gender. I fucking hate that I was born in that joke of a country that my home is, I hate that I had to be abused so long and be brought up with no goddam skills, I hate that I finally moved out just to be an immigrant in a system that can't help me more than this. And The shittiest part is that I'm still so much more privileged compare to people I love that couldn't even get this. Because at least I'm not ending homeless and at least my useless doctor appointments don't cost me a kidney. At least I could move out and get free-ish education. But still. It doesn't change much and it sucks.
Things could have been different but I feel like my past will always outweigh whatever opportunity I get, and this brain fog won't go away. I'm tired to not know if I'll collapse on the ground or not, I'm tired of losing people I love, I'm tired to be handed something good and being so out of everything got to be unable to take it. So fuck it. I'll just work myself to the bone and focus on the only good thing I have left. I shouldn't have to do things this way but this is it, ready or not.
Fuck. This. Shit.
Also this won't make sense to anyone ho doesn't know me already lol idc sorry
I'm so effing tired to fight for everything. It feels like everything was taken away from me before I could even try. I always arrived too late for things and when I finally get to be where I was meant to be things gets fucked. It's like waiting all day to go home and have a piece of cake, only to open the fridge and finding mold on it. MOLD!
Ok, so what was this all for, then? Honestly, I'm so pissed about everything that I'm not even thinking about ctb, but I am so ready to fight till I die. I swear to god, I don't care anymore how much I'm risking and if my health will decline even more or anything else. I feel like this is going to kill me, I feel death all over me. Because of these shakes, my chronic pain, everything. My hopes and dreams died today. I don't care about anything. I feel like what I'm doing is a form of ctb, in a sense, because I don't trust this body, and I am afraid if I pushed it too much it might actually give up. But you know what? I only have one thing left to fight for, and if that means to end up i the hospital or dead, then so be it.
This world is so fucked up, but it won't have me till this stupid body will decide to collapse on the ground.
Damn It, I didn't want to fight for basic shit like this but here we are!
I am just so sad that I'm giving up my dreams for what should be taken for granted. I wish I wasn't marked by hell because of my disability, my sexuality or my gender. I fucking hate that I was born in that joke of a country that my home is, I hate that I had to be abused so long and be brought up with no goddam skills, I hate that I finally moved out just to be an immigrant in a system that can't help me more than this. And The shittiest part is that I'm still so much more privileged compare to people I love that couldn't even get this. Because at least I'm not ending homeless and at least my useless doctor appointments don't cost me a kidney. At least I could move out and get free-ish education. But still. It doesn't change much and it sucks.
Things could have been different but I feel like my past will always outweigh whatever opportunity I get, and this brain fog won't go away. I'm tired to not know if I'll collapse on the ground or not, I'm tired of losing people I love, I'm tired to be handed something good and being so out of everything got to be unable to take it. So fuck it. I'll just work myself to the bone and focus on the only good thing I have left. I shouldn't have to do things this way but this is it, ready or not.
Fuck. This. Shit.
