sobsob
Member
- Aug 29, 2024
- 11
apologies for a long post. i kind of use this blog as a journal idk.
its been building in me for a while now. since I was a little kid, but especially the past few years.
when I was little, I thought "things will be better when I'm a teenager". when I was in high school, I thought "things will be better in college". now I'm in college and its not better, and I'm realizing it never will be. my physical health, my mental health, my stressors in life (work/academics/social life/etc) will never get easier.
its not fun to be alive and I'm so tired of fighting all of the shit that has happened to me. honestly I have been so resilient in my life. I've been through so much. and I've fought it all; I've persisted so much because I had hope that it would get better. it doesn't get better, matter of fact it gets worse!!
i am so ready to do it, I have a decent plan I just need to acquire the materials now. so it might unfortunately take a few months for me to actually get there.
sometimes when life briefly feels good, I get my hopes up and I try to stop being suicidal, but it never lasts. so in the next few months I might change my mind. but ultimately I will always come back to wanting to die.
that's how I know it's right. because it is my natural state of being. for as long as I can remember, I've always had the thought that dying would be easier than living. i really tried for a long time to overcome that thought, but it still persists. that's how I know it's the right thing to do, to end it.
if your relationship makes you unhappy, people tell you to break up. if your friends make you unhappy, people tell you to drop them. if your job makes you unhappy, people tell you to quit. so if LIFE makes me unhappy, if the things inherent to living and LIFE ITSELF make me unhappy, why am I not allowed to quit? why is it the expectation to continue suffering? i get that it will hurt people, but its the same as breaking a heart or hurting a friend by leaving those relationships. the heartache will eventually pass.
still, I am so sorry. I'm sorry to my sister, whom I love so dearly. i really hope that she isn't terribly impacted. she is so young and so bright and has so much potential. she has so many people who love her. her life will be so good and important, and I hope that my death does not cast too terrible of a shadow. but I already know that my life, and all the turmoil it has caused her and my family, has been a stain on their happiness. ultimately I believe that me no longer existing will improve her life; at least she wont have to worry about me anymore.
i am sorry to my friends, who heard me and helped me through some of my roughest times. i doubt that this will affect them too majorly, but I am still sorry for any pain they'll have to endure.
i am sorry to my boyfriend. I haven't known him for very long, relatively speaking, but he is the light of my life. he is the best thing to ever happen to me. he is endlessly kind, accommodating, loving, and supportive. i love him so much and I know he loves me the same. that's why I'm so sorry that I came into his life only to cause him tragedy. the last thing I want to do is hurt him, but I honestly think that me being in a relationship with him does hurt him. I'm not ok, and he knows it. he is one of the only things that brings me joy anymore, and that is too heavy of a burden to place on someone. i have faith that he will go on to be incredibly happy and important to the world. he is the best person I know. and I know he will meet someone who will bring him joy and love him exactly how he needs to be loved.
anyways this is kind of corny now but its good to get my thoughts out. I'm excited to leave!
its been building in me for a while now. since I was a little kid, but especially the past few years.
when I was little, I thought "things will be better when I'm a teenager". when I was in high school, I thought "things will be better in college". now I'm in college and its not better, and I'm realizing it never will be. my physical health, my mental health, my stressors in life (work/academics/social life/etc) will never get easier.
its not fun to be alive and I'm so tired of fighting all of the shit that has happened to me. honestly I have been so resilient in my life. I've been through so much. and I've fought it all; I've persisted so much because I had hope that it would get better. it doesn't get better, matter of fact it gets worse!!
i am so ready to do it, I have a decent plan I just need to acquire the materials now. so it might unfortunately take a few months for me to actually get there.
sometimes when life briefly feels good, I get my hopes up and I try to stop being suicidal, but it never lasts. so in the next few months I might change my mind. but ultimately I will always come back to wanting to die.
that's how I know it's right. because it is my natural state of being. for as long as I can remember, I've always had the thought that dying would be easier than living. i really tried for a long time to overcome that thought, but it still persists. that's how I know it's the right thing to do, to end it.
if your relationship makes you unhappy, people tell you to break up. if your friends make you unhappy, people tell you to drop them. if your job makes you unhappy, people tell you to quit. so if LIFE makes me unhappy, if the things inherent to living and LIFE ITSELF make me unhappy, why am I not allowed to quit? why is it the expectation to continue suffering? i get that it will hurt people, but its the same as breaking a heart or hurting a friend by leaving those relationships. the heartache will eventually pass.
still, I am so sorry. I'm sorry to my sister, whom I love so dearly. i really hope that she isn't terribly impacted. she is so young and so bright and has so much potential. she has so many people who love her. her life will be so good and important, and I hope that my death does not cast too terrible of a shadow. but I already know that my life, and all the turmoil it has caused her and my family, has been a stain on their happiness. ultimately I believe that me no longer existing will improve her life; at least she wont have to worry about me anymore.
i am sorry to my friends, who heard me and helped me through some of my roughest times. i doubt that this will affect them too majorly, but I am still sorry for any pain they'll have to endure.
i am sorry to my boyfriend. I haven't known him for very long, relatively speaking, but he is the light of my life. he is the best thing to ever happen to me. he is endlessly kind, accommodating, loving, and supportive. i love him so much and I know he loves me the same. that's why I'm so sorry that I came into his life only to cause him tragedy. the last thing I want to do is hurt him, but I honestly think that me being in a relationship with him does hurt him. I'm not ok, and he knows it. he is one of the only things that brings me joy anymore, and that is too heavy of a burden to place on someone. i have faith that he will go on to be incredibly happy and important to the world. he is the best person I know. and I know he will meet someone who will bring him joy and love him exactly how he needs to be loved.
anyways this is kind of corny now but its good to get my thoughts out. I'm excited to leave!
