Venting I'm so tired of acting

[fleetingnight]

This is a vent but it's not about ctb, so I think it goes here in off topic. Someone please tell me if this is the wrong place for it.

I keep thinking, "I wish I never had to talk to anyone again." I feel bad about it. I have friends and a partner, and they're nice people, they deserve better than an asshole like me. It's not that I don't like them, but I'm so sick of talking.

I'm tired of having to answer "how are you" with "good!" or "fine." I'm tired of having to force the last little bit of energy I have into having a cheerful voice, so people don't ask what's wrong or think I don't care about them. I don't think I exactly hate smalltalk, I just hate talking. When I'm sitting here thinking about when I'm gonna SH next, and someone starts talking to me about the cool new coffee shop, I feel bad about it, but I wish they could just find someone else to talk to. It's not that what they have to say doesn't matter, but it's hard for me to sound enthusiastic or focus on what they're saying.

I'm tired of making up excuses for not hanging out, because I can't say "I'm too depressed for it" and I definitely can't say "I don't like socializing and I don't want to be friends anymore." I don't want anyone knowing how I feel, because no one can do anything to fix it, so all talking does is make them worry about me and feel bad. And cutting them off would make them feel like they did something wrong, no matter how much I told them it's just me.

I can't take this. I don't know how many more times I can do that fake laugh. When I get home, I can barely do anything but collapse and fall asleep, because it tires me so, so much. I want everyone to leave me alone.

This is so awful of me, but someone just texted me saying they're glad we'll be friends forever, and I feel like I'm gonna vomit. I'm not disgusted with them, I'm disgusted with myself for making a fake persona and convincing them it's a real, nice, sweet, friendly person. They said they're gonna give me a big hug when they see me again, and the thought of it makes me whole body stiffen. I'm really sorry to everyone here who craves attention that friends, I know it must be horrible hearing me say this, and I'm not ungrateful for it at all, there's just something really really wrong with me. If I could give you my fake personality and the friends that come with it, I promise I would.

Edit: God I really fucking talk a lot for someone who hates talking. What a damn hypocrite.

 

[SMmetalhead36]

I can relate to answering how are you with good when asked, and it is a lot of energy.

 

[golta]

This is very relatable , then I feel bad when I don't have friends even if I search for it myself

 

[denjiwillsaveme]

I am in the same position.

I made "new" friends but I regret it so much and now I want out. I do not want to interact with anyone cuz it's my fake persona or I'd like to call it my costumer service self. It sucks so much because now I have to slowly part ways without making to much of a scene.

Hope you have courge to let out yourself and see that you truly have no intention of talking.

 

[Red Moon]

I actually get exhausted talking to people and having a conversation and I don't like it, so I get that.

 

[InAgony]

I'm tired of covering up my illnesses and pretending to be fine too. People around me think it'll be good for me to socialise, but the strain is so much that I don't think it is good for me.