Venting I'm so tired of not knowing. It feels like it'd just be easier to accept death than try and figure anything out.

[coolgal82]

I fucking despise it so much. I just don't fucking know or understand anything about me. I don't know like how i act or think or if how i act/think is even real or if im just making it up or if certain things i do i just make myself do subconsciously or if theyre actually a part of me and even if they are i dont fully understand them and idk if theyre like one thing or another or what theyre caused by like they could be caused by X or Y or Z or idfk and again thats if theyre even real and im not just making stuff up or misunderstanding stuff or subconsciously manifesting it to try and like idk get attention or something. i don't fucking know anything. it's scary and confusing and the more i think about it the more i confuse myself. my self doubt isnt even consistent because one day i can be like "Yes i do this thing im pretty sure its this thing and it happens because of that thing" and then the next im like "is it actually though? is it that thing? could it be this over thing instead? could it happen because of another thing? i dont know." and like the harder i try and think about it the more i fall into the self doubt spiral. atleast i think anyway. im not even fucking sure about that. i dont know anything. i don't know who i am or who i wanna be or anything. trying to think about any of this just hurts i wanna die so i dont have to think about this. this has all become way worse since i like became aware of it too which is both annoying and also just feeds into the self doubt cus what if this isnt real and im just making it up that would be evidence of it.

I miss my besties they make me feel better to just be around them. i wish i could talk to them about this but like i dont wanna annoy them and scare them off and make them hate me. but like just being around them is nice and makes me feel better (most of the time anyway? sometimes it makes me feel bad because i dont deserve to be around them and they probably dont want me there anyway but its my fault so lile)

edit: my besties started vc right after i posted this and now i feel better i kinda dont care about anything everything is gonna be fine :3

 

[coolgal82]

besties are gone and now its back. i hate it. i just wanna talk to them again. i wish i could talk to them about this but idk im so scared of annoying them and also my problems arent really important anyway (if theyre even real) idk i just want them to give me a hug and tell me it'll all be okay and that they actually like me and enjoy my presence and like encourage me to like talk about that stuff and idfk. i hate myself.

 

[FinalDawn]

I feel the exact same way sometimes. Like I have a lot of problems with self-identity. The best way to describe it is like, I just woke up in another person's body, I have no idea who this person is, and so I have to ask other people in order to gain information about myself. And then I internalize that, and am like, "oh, this person said I'm x, then I must be." Like there's no inner filter to things. Is this how you feel too? Let me know if I'm totally off base.

Have you tried asking your friends what they think about you? In my experience they usually have very nice things to say, probably things about yourself you've never really considered. That has helped me in the past.

 

[coolgal82]

I feel the exact same way sometimes. Like I have a lot of problems with self-identity. The best way to describe it is like, I just woke up in another person's body, I have no idea who this person is, and so I have to ask other people in order to gain information about myself. And then I internalize that, and am like, "oh, this person said I'm x, then I must be." Like there's no inner filter to things. Is this how you feel too? Let me know if I'm totally off base.

Have you tried asking your friends what they think about you? In my experience they usually have very nice things to say, probably things about yourself you've never really considered. That has helped me in the past.

honestly i have no idea if thats how i feel lmfao. i just dont know. i dont know what applies to me and what doesnt lmao like both internally and also like externally i just dont understand alot of stuff for various reasons. it'd really help if i like had someone just with me 24/7 to like explain to me like who i am/how i act/whatever or someone i could just like explain stuff to idfk. i would do that with my besties but like im scared of annoying them and making them hate me and like i barely contribute anything to the friendship im a horrible friend so why should i expect anything like that from them idk. i kinda bother them sometimes for similar stuff like "hey do you hate me" but i feel bad about that too and even when they say no i dont believe it. idfk.

honestly like part of the reason i make posts here (and on other platforms) is like i just want someone to just reply and like explain to me what everything means and why i feel this way and like just who i am really idfk. i dont know.

 

[FinalDawn]

honestly i have no idea if thats how i feel lmfao. i just dont know. i dont know what applies to me and what doesnt lmao like both internally and also like externally i just dont understand alot of stuff for various reasons. it'd really help if i like had someone just with me 24/7 to like explain to me like who i am/how i act/whatever or someone i could just like explain stuff to idfk. i would do that with my besties but like im scared of annoying them and making them hate me and like i barely contribute anything to the friendship im a horrible friend so why should i expect anything like that from them idk. i kinda bother them sometimes for similar stuff like "hey do you hate me" but i feel bad about that too and even when they say no i dont believe it. idfk.

honestly like part of the reason i make posts here (and on other platforms) is like i just want someone to just reply and like explain to me what everything means and why i feel this way and like just who i am really idfk. i dont know.

Yeah I'm constantly looking for validation from others too a lot of times, I'll be like, "am I being annoying?" or "Am I talking too much?" and then, as a result of asking that too many times, the answer becomes "No, but-" and then they'll list all the ways I'm being annoying or whatever. I also say sorry too much to the point of frustration from others. They're like, "What are you even sorry for?" And then I say sorry again, because clearly I annoyed them, and then they're mad all over again. It's almost comical sometimes, how bad it is.

I think it all stems from a lack of self-confidence. When people are at their lowest, they need to ask for validation because they're constantly doubting everything about themselves. Having an inner sense of self, being able to express ourselves without fear, it decreases the need for validation because it comes from within.

Sorry if that sounds pretentious, in reality if I was able to have real self-confidence I wouldn't be here so who am I to say all that. Idk.

 

[coolgal82]

Yeah I'm constantly looking for validation from others too a lot of times, I'll be like, "am I being annoying?" or "Am I talking too much?" and then, as a result of asking that too many times, the answer becomes "No, but-" and then they'll list all the ways I'm being annoying or whatever. I also say sorry too much to the point of frustration from others. They're like, "What are you even sorry for?" And then I say sorry again, because clearly I annoyed them, and then they're mad all over again. It's almost comical sometimes, how bad it is.

I think it all stems from a lack of self-confidence. When people are at their lowest, they need to ask for validation because they're constantly doubting everything about themselves. Having an inner sense of self, being able to express ourselves without fear, it decreases the need for validation because it comes from within.

Sorry if that sounds pretentious, in reality if I was able to have real self-confidence I wouldn't be here so who am I to say all that. Idk.

i wish i had the like idk. confidence? to just say/ask that. instead i just keep it to myself so i dont like bother people until it like gets too much and then i just have to do it or else i'll keep thinking about it until i do. idk.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I really hope this doesn't come across as offensive. I'm not trying to say you're crazy but- have you ever had any therapy or any mental illness diagnosis? Do you ever wonder whether how you think is 'normal'?

I'm saying this because, I got to a point where I was like: I know people do get obsessive about crushes they have but, mine seemed extremely obsessive! I don't have an official diagnosis but I believe I tend to suffer from limerence. Knowing that, it's slightly lost its power over me. It still happens. I still have people I start to obsess about but, I'm very vigilant of it happening and I try much harder not to 'run with it' as it were. I can now tell myself- this isn't exactly 'real'- it's just how your mind works. If you don't keep feeding it with mal-adaptive daydreaming- the feelings will dull.

I just wonder- if you knew this was due to something like (and I don't know but) OCD- some sort of compulsive, obsessive thought process. Again- I really don't know- it's just very basic traits I'm aware of. Maybe that would give you a reason for how you're thinking though. Rather than be so caught up in obsessing about what's real, maybe it would allow you to step back and realise this is just what your brain tends to do. Maybe that we can't even know everything about ourselves. We probably all change throughout life regardless with all that happens to us.

I imagine most of what we do is in pursuit of things we either want to do or, avoiding things we don't want to do. Cause and effect in a way. Maybe you aren't the same person you were 10 years ago because you've had experiences that have changed how you see the world. I'm not sure it's something you can always pin down though.

Take this example. Once, I participated in a kind of multiple choice interview for a job. One of the questions was: If I saw a colleague stealing from the company, would I report them? Obviously- the answer they want is: yes. However, I could envisage scenarios where I maybe wouldn't report them. If the company treated it's employees like shit and a lot do- I may feel less inclined to report them to be honest. I may feel more loyalty towards them rather than the company. I'd maybe warn them that it's obvious what they're doing and, it's put me in a tricky position so- not to do it again. I wouldn't know till I was in that position though.

It does sound to me like you could do with talking through all this stuff with someone though- a therapist or similar. I know what you mean about friends. I used to put my best friend through so much obsessing about crushes. Then, obsessing about obsessing. It was all one big tangled mess!

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Yes, I relate to you. I feel like I don't understand anything. And the phrases around 'safe space' or 'you do you' confuse me because then I thought I was 'being me' but maybe I wasn't and should I be being something specific for a 'safe space'. I wish my therapist could be on my shoulder for sure - not necessarily to input/directly help out/make decisions (although that be nice at times), more just so she can see everything and get an actual full context to help try understanding. Though I can never vocalise anything properly out loud despite a fairly clear internal voice most the time. I have ended up isolating from past lives/friends and family. Most the time if I am getting annoyed by something, I get more annoyed at myself for getting annoyed at something so trivial. Often having physical evidence that I am over reacting (e.g. I myself have experienced worse before no worries - not even comparing to others but of course thats often worse). So I try and backtrack and apologise but that creates more of a scene than my initial grumbles. All over effectively either nothing at all or some sort of very average/typical life occurence. Just can't explain and then get flustered trying. Actually upset friends in the past more because they were coming out with lines like 'its ok, you can talk to me about anything' or 'I'm always here to listen' - but I just don't have words or even questions to ask or anything objective to 'complain' about. (If I do, I end up going to town on it out of novelty of actually being able to). And then its like there's an elephant in the room - folk think I am bottling/hiding things, but then I don't know what that even is. Even my therapist at one point when I was a bit spaced out in our eary sessions asked 'is there something you want to tell me' which annoyed me while I sat there semi frozen with no words. And makes me doubt myself - is there? Maybe I have forgotten something. Maybe there is something hidden? I seem to put myself in positions of high stress because at least then being 'all over the place' is totally justifiable.


Sorry, got a bit carried away with a rant there. And even more apologies if this doesn't sound like your experiences. It sounds so frustrating and confusing how you feel about everything thats for sure.

 

[coolgal82]

I really hope this doesn't come across as offensive. I'm not trying to say you're crazy but- have you ever had any therapy or any mental illness diagnosis? Do you ever wonder whether how you think is 'normal'?

I'm saying this because, I got to a point where I was like: I know people do get obsessive about crushes they have but, mine seemed extremely obsessive! I don't have an official diagnosis but I believe I tend to suffer from limerence. Knowing that, it's slightly lost its power over me. It still happens. I still have people I start to obsess about but, I'm very vigilant of it happening and I try much harder not to 'run with it' as it were. I can now tell myself- this isn't exactly 'real'- it's just how your mind works. If you don't keep feeding it with mal-adaptive daydreaming- the feelings will dull.

I just wonder- if you knew this was due to something like (and I don't know but) OCD- some sort of compulsive, obsessive thought process. Again- I really don't know- it's just very basic traits I'm aware of. Maybe that would give you a reason for how you're thinking though. Rather than be so caught up in obsessing about what's real, maybe it would allow you to step back and realise this is just what your brain tends to do. Maybe that we can't even know everything about ourselves. We probably all change throughout life regardless with all that happens to us.

I imagine most of what we do is in pursuit of things we either want to do or, avoiding things we don't want to do. Cause and effect in a way. Maybe you aren't the same person you were 10 years ago because you've had experiences that have changed how you see the world. I'm not sure it's something you can always pin down though.

Take this example. Once, I participated in a kind of multiple choice interview for a job. One of the questions was: If I saw a colleague stealing from the company, would I report them? Obviously- the answer they want is: yes. However, I could envisage scenarios where I maybe wouldn't report them. If the company treated it's employees like shit and a lot do- I may feel less inclined to report them to be honest. I may feel more loyalty towards them rather than the company. I'd maybe warn them that it's obvious what they're doing and, it's put me in a tricky position so- not to do it again. I wouldn't know till I was in that position though.

It does sound to me like you could do with talking through all this stuff with someone though- a therapist or similar. I know what you mean about friends. I used to put my best friend through so much obsessing about crushes. Then, obsessing about obsessing. It was all one big tangled mess!

the only things i have diagnosed are adhd and autism but ive had stuff like suggested by people but idk if any of that is accurate its too hard to tell with all the self doubt lmao. also like idk if this is like limerence of an obsessive crush or whatever cus like its probably kinda obsessive from what ive been told by others but its not like romantic or anything. idk if its platonic though, i call it "a secret 4th thing" lmao and like idk if its fully the same

also like i literally cant stop thinking about what's real because i just wanna know but like its impossible to figure out and what i feel is real or like not or whatever changes constantly like sometimes im more certain and i can look objectively then it just goes back to being confusing. like i had one entire day where i was like really objective about myself and what i do/dont do and some examples and like i felt certain they were real, then just suddenly nothing even happens and the self doubt is suddenly back. the self doubt can be triggered by even the tiniest thing like i saw a single reddit post of someone with worse/different issues to me and spiralled to the point where i was sitting there with pills infront of me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

the only things i have diagnosed are adhd and autism but ive had stuff like suggested by people but idk if any of that is accurate its too hard to tell with all the self doubt lmao. also like idk if this is like limerence of an obsessive crush or whatever cus like its probably kinda obsessive from what ive been told by others but its not like romantic or anything. idk if its platonic though, i call it "a secret 4th thing" lmao and like idk if its fully the same

also like i literally cant stop thinking about what's real because i just wanna know but like its impossible to figure out and what i feel is real or like not or whatever changes constantly like sometimes im more certain and i can look objectively then it just goes back to being confusing. like i had one entire day where i was like really objective about myself and what i do/dont do and some examples and like i felt certain they were real, then just suddenly nothing even happens and the self doubt is suddenly back. the self doubt can be triggered by even the tiniest thing like i saw a single reddit post of someone with worse/different issues to me and spiralled to the point where i was sitting there with pills infront of me.

Are these doubts on reality towards specific things? I'm assuming suicide is one of them but, what are some others? If you don't mind sharing.

I don't think you should compare yourself to others though. Firstly, you don't entirely know that they have things worse than you. But, even if they do and they are seemingly able to cope, that doesn't mean everyone could in their shoes. We're all individuals. One thing that would deeply trouble one person wouldn't bother another at all. There's no 'standard' way of reacting to things.

Maybe I've read this all wrong but, I don't think you should be so focussed on what you 'should' be feeling in response to things. Just realise/ accept what you do feel and, go from there. If you feel it- then, it must be somewhat real.

Of course, I suppose we can realise that our reactions to things don't do us any favours- say an overreaction. In which case, we might need to try and temper them down but, if they're there, they're there.

That's my feeling anyway. I think emotions need to be expressed rather than repressed. Even if that means crying alone to not burden others. Even if you feel no emotion when you feel like you ought to feel something- I think that's fine too. We all kind of feel what we feel. I don't think you can always rationalize it. Emotion in its nature isn't always logical.

 

[coolgal82]

Are these doubts on reality towards specific things? I'm assuming suicide is one of them but, what are some others? If you don't mind sharing.

I don't think you should compare yourself to others though. Firstly, you don't entirely know that they have things worse than you. But, even if they do and they are seemingly able to cope, that doesn't mean everyone could in their shoes. We're all individuals. One thing that would deeply trouble one person wouldn't bother another at all. There's no 'standard' way of reacting to things.

Maybe I've read this all wrong but, I don't think you should be so focussed on what you 'should' be feeling in response to things. Just realise/ accept what you do feel and, go from there. If you feel it- then, it must be somewhat real.

Of course, I suppose we can realise that our reactions to things don't do us any favours- say an overreaction. In which case, we might need to try and temper them down but, if they're there, they're there.

That's my feeling anyway. I think emotions need to be expressed rather than repressed. Even if that means crying alone to not burden others. Even if you feel no emotion when you feel like you ought to feel something- I think that's fine too. We all kind of feel what we feel. I don't think you can always rationalize it. Emotion in its nature isn't always logical.

i mean its as i said in the post basically its about all that stuff, and like yes im aware i shouldnt compare myself to others. do you think i want to do that or that im choosing to do it consciously? i'm not. i wish i could just stop doing it and objectively i understand it but my brain just wont stop

also like realising/accepting what i do feel is the problem. because i have no idea what i do feel. objectively i can go "yeah i feel this way right now" but when it ends and i feel a different way i doubt whether i actually felt like i remember feeling or if i was misunderstanding my feelings or misinterpreting them because again i do not understand my brain, and like even if its real that doesnt make it "real" you know? if i like say lit a fire that burned down a building then blamed it on something else, yes that fire is objectively real and right there but i still started it, it wasnt natural, and the cause behind it is what matters because like if they could find what was starting the fires they could understand the fire better and what leads to the fires but its hard when they don't know if im setting the fires of they occur naturally. My feelings are real and are there, but i dont understand them and i have no idea if theres an actual cause and if so what it is, or if im just causing myself to feel that way subconsciously for like attention or something. idk its hard to explain i dont really think youre getting it

 

[Sunü (素女)]

I think I understand what you mean. I remember a similar experience phase to me back then, where I'd doubt my intentions, wants, and even my emotions. Bringing up a point to myself, but then, accusing that point as somewhat being biased by an ulterior motive in me which I don't actually know if it exists or not. More often hypocrisy arises and I think I hated being a hypocrite back then. I remember that phase distinctly yet I don't know how I got out of it.

I assume you already know that you won't get anything from analyzing your behavior or thoughts in that regard. The causes of our intentions or actions can be influenced by multitude of factors (some of which we aren't even conscious of) which are all then caused by the events preceding it and the events preceding those events and so on and so on, stopping only until you get to the big bang (sorry, that's my deterministic view speaking again). I think your problem of doubt and searching seems to be about this authenticity of yourself, as if deep down, there's a personality untouched without all the smudges of influences and biases. But there really isn't one, I believe we're all just these interplay of many many influences, just probabilisticlly destined to change or even betray our expectations of ourselves.

Since it's quite a disruptive act, shouldn't it be removed?

• By only keeping what's real? But everything what I think, even the biased thoughts and doubts, are real. Real in accordance to my authentic self, who is the real self?
• By thinking about what others say is real? Maybe how they see me is how I really am or maybe even advise me which of my thoughts are real? But they're just a person like me, they are susceptible to the same biases and influences. If I can doubt myself, I can doubt their assessment of reality even more.

Or if the answer isn't found in one of the questions the above, maybe it's time to leave the focus on realness and question their use for the current situation and mentally block them according only on that, e.g. if I've done something in embarrassing with friends, it might be productive to doubt myself on that, but it likely wouldn't be reasonable if I did the same act in isolation.

Just more food for thought, it might benefit to you think about labels (yet another thing to take account in self-doubt, yay!). I guess, labels that we identify as ourselves can color our judgements. Color our judgements in layers upon layers, where we can hardly distinguish the original colors applied, that could be the cause for such the doubt. The associated ideals, stereotypes, and what we think is "normal" for the labels we assigned to ourselves could all be subtly imbued to what our self-perception becomes.

Anyways, I hope my post misinterpret what you wanted or what your situation is. God, it'd be so ironic if that were the case (A post advising how to deal with self-doubt should learn how to self-doubt well enough to actually know the actual situation.).

Sidenote: It's hard to know when actual communication is going on at all, a whole class can nod their heads while retaining nothing of what the teacher said. I may be the teacher that didn't bother to check if their words were being processed.

 

[coolgal82]

I think I understand what you mean. I remember a similar experience phase to me back then, where I'd doubt my intentions, wants, and even my emotions. Bringing up a point to myself, but then, accusing that point as somewhat being biased by an ulterior motive in me which I don't actually know if it exists or not. More often hypocrisy arises and I think I hated being a hypocrite back then. I remember that phase distinctly yet I don't know how I got out of it.

I assume you already know that you won't get anything from analyzing your behavior or thoughts in that regard. The causes of our intentions or actions can be influenced by multitude of factors (some of which we aren't even conscious of) which are all then caused by the events preceding it and the events preceding those events and so on and so on, stopping only until you get to the big bang (sorry, that's my deterministic view speaking again). I think your problem of doubt and searching seems to be about this authenticity of yourself, as if deep down, there's a personality untouched without all the smudges of influences and biases. But there really isn't one, I believe we're all just these interplay of many many influences, just probabilisticlly destined to change or even betray our expectations of ourselves.

Since it's quite a disruptive act, shouldn't it be removed?

• By only keeping what's real? But everything what I think, even the biased thoughts and doubts, are real. Real in accordance to my authentic self, who is the real self?
• By thinking about what others say is real? Maybe how they see me is how I really am or maybe even advise me which of my thoughts are real? But they're just a person like me, they are susceptible to the same biases and influences. If I can doubt myself, I can doubt their assessment of reality even more.

Or if the answer isn't found in one of the questions the above, maybe it's time to leave the focus on realness and question their use for the current situation and mentally block them according only on that, e.g. if I've done something in embarrassing with friends, it might be productive to doubt myself on that, but it likely wouldn't be reasonable if I did the same act in isolation.

Just more food for thought, it might benefit to you think about labels (yet another thing to take account in self-doubt, yay!). I guess, labels that we identify as ourselves can color our judgements. Color our judgements in layers upon layers, where we can hardly distinguish the original colors applied, that could be the cause for such the doubt. The associated ideals, stereotypes, and what we think is "normal" for the labels we assigned to ourselves could all be subtly imbued to what our self-perception becomes.

Anyways, I hope my post misinterpret what you wanted or what your situation is. God, it'd be so ironic if that were the case (A post advising how to deal with self-doubt should learn how to self-doubt well enough to actually know the actual situation.).

Sidenote: It's hard to know when actual communication is going on at all, a whole class can nod their heads while retaining nothing of what the teacher said. I may be the teacher that didn't bother to check if their words were being processed.

ngl i have no clue what you mean with the stuff about biases. i just dont understand how my brain works or why but the problem is when i figure out a possible way that it could work i have no idea if that way is actually like how it works or even if this is a repeated pattern or one time incident, or if i do genuinely feel that way or if its like just making up something for attention subconsciously. idk how to describe it really it doesnt seem like anyone truly gets it from everyone ive talked to.

like lets take an example; a few days-a week ago (i dont remember now) i was chilling having fun with my besties and they said one tiny fucking thing that just set me off and made me really mad and suddenly i just hated them, which persisted throughout the next day as well. To apply my self doubt issues to this it goes like "ok was that even real? have i ever felt like that in the past few years? is this just a new phenomenon that ive subconsciously manifested and intentionally caused? did i actually even hate them or was i misunderstanding my own feelings? were my feelings actually that bad?" and it continues in a cycle of similar questions