Im still here, i think

[Blue LIPS]

Had a lot of ups and downs within the past year. I believe I was going through psychosis because I was displaying alot of concerning behavior and believing delusions that were outlandish. My doctor (no longer, she quit) had diagnosed me with schizophrenia and it never sat right with me but I went along and got the treatment. I was on Haldol injections for a year and eventually got tired of it. I was hesitant to stop the injections because i was alot calmer and I could think properly and didn't window peek constantly anymore thinking people were trying to break in. I remember being so convinced that people could read my thoughts, these people were probably robots and that the government was trying to kill me. I finally stopped the injections because I had enough of the side effects. Fast forward like 6ish months, I'm still mostly medication free and feel great honestly. I take mirtazapine for sleep if I'm not sleeping well or gabapentin if my anxiety that day is high. This is why I don't believe I'm Schizophrenic...I'm off of AP's and haven't been delusional, seeing things, hearing voices or paranoid for a while now. I've even tripped on LSD multiple times since. My conclusion? Alcohol induced psychosis. I'm gonna have a talk with my newer doctor and see if I can get rid of that diagnosis. Within those 6 months or so though, my mom passed away in April 2024. It hurt pretty bad and I watched her wither away from her constant drinking. So idk I just feel like life is weird right now but I'm thankfully not binge drinking to feel better. Fuck, I was so excited in a way and terrified at the same time when I got a text saying my mom wasn't doing well and that they (husband, friends and sister) were gonna have her call me and speak to me before she goes. I never got that call though.

 

[Overwhelmed52]

That's an amazing story. To be treated for something so serious and have it turn out that it's not what you have. It's great that you've figured out what it was and are feeling better :)

 

[Seven Threads]

Heya, Blue LIPS. First off, really glad to hear that you aren't experiencing those severe symptoms any more. I can only imagine how much of a relief it must be to be off of halidol and still be free of psychosis.

Very sorry to hear about your mom. Not being able to have closure really messes people up sometimes, if not right away, then later on down the road. You probably have some complicated feelings about everything, given the whole alcohol thing. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of relationship did you have, and how do you think you're going to process this going forward? (And if you do mind, 'none of your business' is a perfectly acceptable response)

In any case, glad you're still here for the time being. Got folks close to you to help you stay that way?

 

[Blue LIPS]

That's an amazing story. To be treated for something so serious and have it turn out that it's not what you have. It's great that you've figured out what it was and are feeling better :)

Thank you, yeah I kinda knew it didn't sound right. Even though, as a kid when my dad died (I was 11) I used to see him downstairs at night. It'd freak me out to the point of tears and then it stopped, so idk.

 

[human909]

That sound like a heck of decade for you, hope you get better soon!

 

[Blue LIPS]

Heya, Blue LIPS. First off, really glad to hear that you aren't experiencing those severe symptoms any more. I can only imagine how much of a relief it must be to be off of halidol and still be free of psychosis.

Very sorry to hear about your mom. Not being able to have closure really messes people up sometimes, if not right away, then later on down the road. You probably have some complicated feelings about everything, given the whole alcohol thing. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of relationship did you have, and how do you think you're going to process this going forward? (And if you do mind, 'none of your business' is a perfectly acceptable response)

In any case, glad you're still here for the time being. Got folks close to you to help you stay that way?

Oh yeah I have way more energy and just feel more present ya know.

Uhhh it was a rocky relationship overall. She started drinking heavy when I was about 14 or 15. My sister had moved out so it was just me and my mom really for a while and I just took advantage and would steal her pills or beer cuz she was passed out in her bed, drink still in hand. Of course I would tuck her in and take the drink away though. That went on for a while and I decided I needed to get away fast, so I enlisted as a medic. Fast forward, I was deployed to Afghanistan and that was "okay" mentally in the moment and while over there...but when I got back I spiraled pretty bad. Drinking alot, especially before going to do my duties, taking quick "I forgot something in my room" then would chug a bunch of liquor. I pretty much had the classic PTSD symptoms and was drinking and then smoking spice to just numb myself. I liked the spice cuz I'd get super high and then pass out so it was an escape, I'd imagine like nodding out. Fast forward some more, I got discharged after dodging an assault charge on a female while drunk, she didn't want me driving and I guess I shoved her down and got in my car. I was blackout drunk and I was upset cuz she was basically my "girlfriend". Anyway, struggled to find work afterward, have any money and just kept drinking and working shitty jobs etc overall poverty life. During these times when I was drunk, I would message or call my mom just to antagonize her pretty much and make her feel like shit. Idk I felt like she didn't care and I remember calling her at one of my lowest points and just asked if I could drop everything and drive to her house to live until I could get straight. Nope. So that didn't help and for years I just belittled her, triggered her, just overall said some nasty things. Fast forward, I kinda got a grip on my drinking now due to pancreatitis and the constant puking from just a sip of alcohol. But my mom was pretty bad now and it made me start realizing I did love and care about her. I tried to make sure she knew that and we kept in contact, talking on the phone every now and then (I lived multiple states away). She somehow beat stage 4 liver failure and quit drinking, so I was happy that she stopped and we were getting better. She went back to drinking though after a while, just trying to sneak them in every now and then, and then just regular drinking. She was convinced hard apple cider was her method to get drunk without the damage, but that proved to be very wrong. The day before she passed her husband told me that she was very jaundice and just wanted to sleep. He was scared and called an ambulance. She was septic and her organs were failing. They said they had to put her on a ventilator and pump meds to hopefully beat this, but she declined the care and just wanted to sleep again. So, they just tried to make her comfortable until she passed early in the morning/night April 21st.

Yeah I have my wife as my main support system. She's stuck by me, even when everyone said to leave me but she had hope. And now honestly I wish she would throw that in those people's faces and say that recovery is possible and he did it. My sister was also a target during my fuck you phase, but she won't forgive me so I only hear from her on holidays and shit, sometimes not even then.

I think that was the meat and potatoes of it all though, I probably left things out and shit idk. Feel free to ask more questions if anything is unanswered or not clear, idk the past few days I haven't been sleeping well and my mind is just going crazy fast, I feel manic but I think thats just me not being so doped up on meds idk. I find myself just talking and talking and talking switching seamlessly through random topics.

That sound like a heck of decade for you, hope you get better soon!

Thank you, yeah I think I'm about as good as I'm gonna get lol. I rarely drink, like for New Years I drank but didn't feel the need to drink again since. I do smoke weed though, sometimes all day, but for the most part a few joints and bong rips throughout the day. I'd rather do that than fight my body not wanting the alcohol.