I’m still suicidal even when I’m not depressed

[Akunhun]

Even when I am relatively ok and not in a depressive episode I still don't see any option other than killing myself. Even if all of my dreams came true and I felt fine all of the time death would still be a better option than living and I hate it, I just want to be satisfied but it's impossible.

 

[jodes2]

That sucks. What can't be satisfied for you? Sorry you're always suffering

 

[Akunhun]

That sucks. What can't be satisfied for you? Sorry you're always suffering

I don't know what it is and that's what's bothering me so much

 

[lionetta12]

Even when I am relatively ok and not in a depressive episode I still don't see any option other than killing myself. Even if all of my dreams came true and I felt fine all of the time death would still be a better option than living and I hate it, I just want to be satisfied but it's impossible.

That's exactly how it's been like for me.

 

[Kurushii]

I feel like no matter how much fun I'm having I'll always have that thought in the back of my head. I think it'll be there forever unfortunately

 

[JM2RXA]

You're not alone, I have exactly the same feelings -- it's like our brains are just wired that way.

Sorry I can't offer any suggestions on how to fix it, but just know you're not alone.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Do the suicidal thoughts distress you when you're in a depressed state? Are you able to not pay attention to them?

 

[AnxietyHangover]

Feel the same, feel like somehow the idea of suicide is embedded into my being. I am dealing with these thoughts almost on a daily basis. At some point it becomes tiresome.

 

[lili]

this happens to me too

 

[Regen]

I am sorry if my question sounds funny, I don't mean it in a judgmental way. How do you know that you are not depressed if you have a classic sign of depression, namely that you are not really satisfied with anything, that nothing really makes you happy? Lack of joy and suicidal thoughts definitely sound like depression to me?

 

[hunterfla]

Definitely relate. There are times when I'm enjoying myself, at a park or watching a show and it escapes me for a few hours...but as soon as that snippet of time is over, I'm back to wishing I was gone. It sucks.

 

[cherry7]

I don't know what it is and that's what's bothering me so much

Speaking from my own experience, but is it possible that the suicidal thoughts neural pathway has been worn so deep by repeatedly going down that thought pattern when you're depressed, that it just feels comfortable to go there, that it feels bad to let go of the suicidal narrative, like letting go of a treasured promise, a friend, that you're not used to thinking in terms of future or doing things you'll enjoy, that even though you're not feeling depressed your whole being has already given up on life entirely and just doesn't have the energy to switch tracks or doesn't know it can or should? That the suicidal narrative is just very loyal to you and is keeping its promise it made when you were depressed of giving you an out?

 

[TheLakesKrueguer]

Even when I am relatively ok and not in a depressive episode I still don't see any option other than killing myself. Even if all of my dreams came true and I felt fine all of the time death would still be a better option than living and I hate it, I just want to be satisfied but it's impossible.

I feel the same. I am happy, with friends, with ppl that I like or just having a good time alone... But with the same suicidal feeling. I can't stop thinking that everything and everyone would be better without me.

Speaking from my own experience, but is it possible that the suicidal thoughts neural pathway has been worn so deep by repeatedly going down that thought pattern when you're depressed, that it just feels comfortable to go there, that it feels bad to let go of the suicidal narrative, like letting go of a treasured promise, a friend, that you're not used to thinking in terms of future or doing things you'll enjoy, that even though you're not feeling depressed your whole being has already given up on life entirely and just doesn't have the energy to switch tracks or doesn't know it can or should? That the suicidal narrative is just very loyal to you and is keeping its promise it made when you were depressed of giving you an out?

Personally, I never thought it that way

 

[scarletstarlet]

Same. It's like, even when I'm in a better mental state, I know in the back of my head that it will all come crashing back down.

 

[aitouka]

I get it, same. It's like dying still seems like the only and final comfort, and even when I'm not depressed or sad I still find the thought of it comfortable, like it's true and eternal peace. You're not the only one who thinks like this.