Venting im such a fucking weirdo why cant i be normal why am i like this?

[coolgal82]

im so tired i hate myself so much im so fucking weird like its not normal to just like basically obsess over people its really creepy but my brain just goes for it and like the person that my brain has decided is trying to replace me has come back which has kinda worsened the spiral i was already having of worrying about my besties not caring about me (although its specifically mainly about one of them) but like idfk i just catch myself thinking really weird things like about like putting spyware on their devices so i can like always be with them/have them be with me (i wouldnt do anything malicious with it) and like idk the worst bit is the thought is really nice and comforting and i would do it if i could and thats kinda scary im an awful person

i also get weird whenever i see people who just know her on twitter like talking to her like i cant describe it but they say shit and idk it feels like they are just like idk… lesser than me almost? because theyre not as close to her or similar to her or dont know as much about her as i do or theyre just being weird. im not even sure if i explained it right its really hard to explain like its kinda smugness and also contempt? idk?

but like idk i hate feeling like this its not normal im a bad person i probably wont end up doing anything bad but idk the fact that i easily could is scary. idfk, i hate being like this, like the highs are high (like when we're talking i feel like the happiest person alive) but then the lows are very low, and they alternate between them pretty much daily? sometimes multiple times a day

 

[EvisceratedJester]

People obsess over others all the time. Why else do you think that you have celebrities, like Taylor Swift, who have a cult-like fan base? The image of "normal" that you have in your head doesn't really exist. A lot of people tend to exhibit most traits in at least some capacity, even if it might vary a bit. We generally are a lot more boring and less unique/weird than we tend to realize.

 

[coolgal82]

People obsess over others all the time. Why else do you think that you have celebrities, like Taylor Swift, who have a cult-like fan base? The image of "normal" that you have in your head doesn't really exist. A lot of people tend to exhibit most traits in at least some capacity, even if it might vary a bit. We generally are a lot more boring and less unique/weird than we tend to realize.

i mean yeah and those people are weird but also like idk even if it wasnt weird i still fucking hate it. your day being literally ruined just because the person you're weird about was too friendly with someone else just fucking sucks

also like even if it is normal like that i dont think to that level is normal atleast from what ive seen

 

[Forever Sleep]

The closest I've got to this is limerence. (Obsessive crushes on men.) But also, I kind of hated how emotionally dependent I felt on a friend once. I would feel jealous of her spending time with others- even her boyfriend! But, that's because it would be the typical thing of just being dropped when something better comes along and then, needed afterwards again. Who likes being used? Still, it didn't feel great to feel that vulnerable.

All I can tell you is what I did. I doubt you'll want to do it though and maybe it wouldn't be wise to, seeing as your friends are a big part of your life.

But, with one of my crushes, I became kind of obsessive on checking Facebook for their posts. It used to send me on such a rollercoaster of emotions and I felt like my slight 'stalker' behaviour wasn't healthy so, I unfriended them. You probably can't do that but you can maybe limit the times you go looking for what they're up to.

I managed to feel less sad about losing my best friend (we simply drifted apart) and I haven't had a long bout of limerence for years. Honestly, I'm much calmer/ happier without that intense emotion. It can be absolutely intoxicating when it's a guy you fancy and it was lovely in a way to daydream about our (totally impossible) life together but I recognised that they both really messed me up in a way.

I try really hard not to be reliant on others now. It's not always easy because it's unnatural probably! It's natural for us to want to connect with others but, I don't like how unnerved it makes me feel.

If you truly think there might be something wrong with your behaviour though, I guess you could try to get a diagnosis. If you knew it was because of something or other, you might learn better ways of managing it- if you even want to that is.

The problem I think with it is- being obsessed with someone can be nice. A bit like maladaptive daydreaming that keeps getting reinforced with positive real life interactions with them. For me though, there was an unpleasant side to it too.

Could they possibly ever like me back? Is what they said on Tuesday evidence of that? Is what they said on Thursday proof they don't like me? What if they don't like me? What if they feel repulsed by me? What if they get a girlfriend?... They did in the end- of course. But I realised it was making me crazy so- even though it had lovely elements- I made the decision to try to stop myself doing it. It helped for me to find out it probably was limerence. That was my starting point to prevent it happening again.

I'm not sure you'd want to quit though. Do you just want reassurance that it's normal and not harmful? I can't speak for normal. My own behaviour didn't feel normal. It felt out of my control to an extent. Like a compulsion pretty much. I don't think compulsions are healthy. They control us rather than us controlling them.

But then, I think it's more about how much they have taken over our lives and if they've done so in a negative way. It sounds to me like your emotions are split on this. Your besties obviously make you happy but you're also feeling a lot of shame/ guilt about how you feel/ behave. That's not fun.

As to whether it could hurt them. It doesn't sound like you'd carry out some of your darker thoughts. (Like killing the guy who joined the group the other day.) I think being someone's obsession can be difficult for some- if they realise. Mostly- it sounds like all this is hurting you the most though so, it's more whether the pleasure is worth the pain I suppose or, if you felt like you need to try and reign the obsession in. Not to shame you though. Like I say, I'm an obsessive person too. I don't think we're all to blame. These sorts of things can develop from some level of neglect in childhood. Things like that.

 

[coolgal82]

The closest I've got to this is limerence. (Obsessive crushes on men.) But also, I kind of hated how emotionally dependent I felt on a friend once. I would feel jealous of her spending time with others- even her boyfriend! But, that's because it would be the typical thing of just being dropped when something better comes along and then, needed afterwards again. Who likes being used? Still, it didn't feel great to feel that vulnerable.

All I can tell you is what I did. I doubt you'll want to do it though and maybe it wouldn't be wise to, seeing as your friends are a big part of your life.

But, with one of my crushes, I became kind of obsessive on checking Facebook for their posts. It used to send me on such a rollercoaster of emotions and I felt like my slight 'stalker' behaviour wasn't healthy so, I unfriended them. You probably can't do that but you can maybe limit the times you go looking for what they're up to.

I managed to feel less sad about losing my best friend (we simply drifted apart) and I haven't had a long bout of limerence for years. Honestly, I'm much calmer/ happier without that intense emotion. It can be absolutely intoxicating when it's a guy you fancy and it was lovely in a way to daydream about our (totally impossible) life together but I recognised that they both really messed me up in a way.

I try really hard not to be reliant on others now. It's not always easy because it's unnatural probably! It's natural for us to want to connect with others but, I don't like how unnerved it makes me feel.

If you truly think there might be something wrong with your behaviour though, I guess you could try to get a diagnosis. If you knew it was because of something or other, you might learn better ways of managing it- if you even want to that is.

The problem I think with it is- being obsessed with someone can be nice. A bit like maladaptive daydreaming that keeps getting reinforced with positive real life interactions with them. For me though, there was an unpleasant side to it too.

Could they possibly ever like me back? Is what they said on Tuesday evidence of that? Is what they said on Thursday proof they don't like me? What if they don't like me? What if they feel repulsed by me? What if they get a girlfriend?... They did in the end- of course. But I realised it was making me crazy so- even though it had lovely elements- I made the decision to try to stop myself doing it. It helped for me to find out it probably was limerence. That was my starting point to prevent it happening again.

I'm not sure you'd want to quit though. Do you just want reassurance that it's normal and not harmful? I can't speak for normal. My own behaviour didn't feel normal. It felt out of my control to an extent. Like a compulsion pretty much. I don't think compulsions are healthy. They control us rather than us controlling them.

But then, I think it's more about how much they have taken over our lives and if they've done so in a negative way. It sounds to me like your emotions are split on this. Your besties obviously make you happy but you're also feeling a lot of shame/ guilt about how you feel/ behave. That's not fun.

As to whether it could hurt them. It doesn't sound like you'd carry out some of your darker thoughts. (Like killing the guy who joined the group the other day.) I think being someone's obsession can be difficult for some- if they realise. Mostly- it sounds like all this is hurting you the most though so, it's more whether the pleasure is worth the pain I suppose or, if you felt like you need to try and reign the obsession in. Not to shame you though. Like I say, I'm an obsessive person too. I don't think we're all to blame. These sorts of things can develop from some level of neglect in childhood. Things like that.

its complicated i both love it and also hate it, and i love it too much to like stop. honestly losing them is like my biggest fear even just thinking about the possibility of them leaving me can send me spiralling into a breakdown. honestly at this point i think as i said in some other posts they are my entire life they are my everything. part of me does want them to just leave like to end it but also so i can just CTB tbh. i cant function without them like the week or so they were gone was the worst fucking week of my entire life. i cant go through that again. i refuse. i could literally barely eat anything without wanting to vomit, and all i had the energy to do was lay on my sofa and watch movies. tbf im not much better now but like idk its different now idk how to describe it. atleast im happy when im with them now. honestly i think that week just kinda made everything else crumble and made me realise like how bad it is kinda idk.

also like ngl the only thing stopping me from carrying out my darker thoughts is my inability to do them. i know if i had the means and could get away with it id 100 percent do some bad stuff which is honestly kinda scary idk. like just imagining them feels so good

also also im looking to like speak to a psychiatrist for some kind of like diagnosis but the nhs fucking sucks and doesnt care cus im not actively about to kill myself right this second lmao (ngl ive been tempted to do some kind of bogus ctb attempt with some shit method and then like either it works and boom im done or it doesnt and they actually start to take me seriously

idk theres probably more i can say but i cant think of anything rn im kinda drunk and also my thigh hurts cus of a funny i did which is really distracting me lmao

oh yeah also like idk about the cause cus i had like good parents and shit that didnt neglect me or do anything bad so idk why im like this

 

[pariah80]

i hate feeling like this its not normal

Define normal, please? It was once normal to beat one's wife and own slaves. I wouldn't beat myself up over not being normal in this life. Not dismissing your feelings, because they're valid. My point is to be a little more loving and empathic toward yourself.

 

[coolgal82]

Define normal, please? It was once normal to beat one's wife and own slaves. I wouldn't beat myself up over not being normal in this life. Not dismissing your feelings, because they're valid. My point is to be a little more loving and empathic toward yourself.

no, i dont think i will

anyway this all besides the point cus i no longer give a shit about them (for now atleast. maybe it'll stick this time.)

lemme just get this post i made on /lgbt/ to sum it up lmao (mods pls lmk if theres anything bad thats slipped in here)

 

[pariah80]

no, i dont think i will

anyway this all besides the point cus i no longer give a shit about them (for now atleast. maybe it'll stick this time.)

Well, I wish you peace and hope you find where you're trying to go. Good luck to you.

 

[yowai]

Maybe you have bpd, lots of things you described sound like that.

 

[coolgal82]

Maybe you have bpd, lots of things you described sound like that.

honestly i dont think so really ive been told that like a fair few times but idk, im diagnosed with autism and adhd and they have alot of overlapping symptoms so

 

[coolgal82]

no, i dont think i will

anyway this all besides the point cus i no longer give a shit about them (for now atleast. maybe it'll stick this time.)
View attachment 156621
lemme just get this post i made on /lgbt/ to sum it up lmao (mods pls lmk if theres anything bad thats slipped in here)

ok no i think it ended now its back to the "they hate me but its my fault" thing lke normal. i think? idk im still recovering from the edible i had last night so i can barely think lmao

no yeah its hitting now i feel like a fucking awful person especially cus after i posted that she messaged me to ask if i was ok (but i was high at the time so i couldnt really like idk. i took half an edible right after posting that lmao) and i realised the other shit wasnt that deep/serious and jesus christ im a fucking terrible person i hate myself how could i have said/thought all that

 

[coolgal82]

i dont deserve them i should leave them but i cant cus its scary and im a coward. im such an awful person i just do bad shit all the time then do this shit then just keep doing it

 

[astr4]

i'm sorry you're feeling so awful about yourself rn, it sounds like you're giving yourself a very hard time. i know you might wanna say you deserve it since you think you're an awful person, but i don't think you are! i hope you're able to give yourself the patience and grace you would a loved one.

 

[coolgal82]

i'm sorry you're feeling so awful about yourself rn, it sounds like you're giving yourself a very hard time. i know you might wanna say you deserve it since you think you're an awful person, but i don't think you are! i hope you're able to give yourself the patience and grace you would a loved one.

idk i dont see how im not. i've looked at it both subjectively and objectively and in both ways im just a terrible person.

 

[theboy]

what is it to be normal?
What is it to be weird?

 

[coolgal82]

what is it to be normal?
What is it to be weird?

normal = the average of society. weird = outside of that average. in some places it doesnt matter and its fine to be outside the average but for like clear cases like this where its weirdo in a bad way rather than just liking odd things that people would consider weird it matters i think