Story Im suicidal but im not going to kill myself

[wasteandvoid]

The feeling is there all the crushing painful emotions that are eating at me and waiting for me to crash into a state where they can have thier full rein have come to consume me. Its comforting to let go and be completley surrounded by the familiar feelings of self hate self loathing, no more effort to change or to compensate or move forward. only crashing in exhaustion from it all. I want to kill myself I want to give up and completley surrender to the feelings. But I know I wont I know I have wasted so much time in mental anguish and agony in my life and I deserve to have a happy life IM SO CLOSE. Ive tasted it in glimpses but the closer I get the more painful the expereince is and the more dramatic and explosive my reactions are to it. I recently discovered I have borderline and that has been an absolutlely monumental shift in the way I view my past expereinces and myself and mental functioning now. Its the final piece (I really fucking hope so) in the 8-9 YEAR LONG search for my mental health. Im healing it and coming across many extremely visceral emotional things that are like bombs in my life. Things I was not aware of that were happening like clockwork are now obvious patterns to me and im able to understand and heal them. My brain isnt fully develpoed yet I have a few more years of time. There is hope for me I can solve this and thus solve the root of my mental health issues and become an ACTUAL PERSON. (dispite my learning disabilities that I have no control over) The demons that have been eating away at me and stealing my life from me can finally be sealed into nothing. Im going into the epicenter of my traumas and life history and developmental history and the closer I get the more intense things get. Im changing fundamental things about myself and making realizations about things I had no idea were connected, or could be changed at all. Im fighting a really intense battle but I will see it through to the end and get what I deserve. My life is like a earthquake at the moment internally and externally. It will be a while before I see the full aftermath of my changes. I dont care what happens because I know at the end everything is going to settle into its PROPER place. And I will be healthy.

I know this is cringe and I sound crazy but thats how I feel and I have no one I can express this to so I posted here
(I guess this is a story)

edit: Also look into borderline personality disorder or cptsd (they are very similar) especially if you are a boy. It is not recognized well by professionals and it presents differently. I have been to many mental health professionals over the course of my life and none of them caught it in me. I am not offically diagnosed and im not self diagnosing, but I dont fucking care the symptoms and peoples experiences with it are way too similar to mine. so im gonna be helping myself regardless the label is useless.

https://www.abct.org/fact-sheets/radically-open-dialectical-behavior-therapy/ This might resonate with someone idk so im gonna put it here anyway

 

[Weltall]

The feeling is there all the crushing painful emotions that are eating at me and waiting for me to crash into a state where they can have thier full rein have come to consume me. Its comforting to let go and be completley surrounded by the familiar feelings of self hate self loathing, no more effort to change or to compensate or move forward. only crashing in exhaustion from it all. I want to kill myself I want to give up and completley surrender to the feelings. But I know I wont I know I have wasted so much time in mental anguish and agony in my life and I deserve to have a happy life IM SO CLOSE. Ive tasted it in glimpses but the closer I get the more painful the expereince is and the more dramatic and explosive my reactions are to it. I recently discovered I have borderline and that has been an absolutlely monumental shift in the way I view my past expereinces and myself and mental functioning now. Its the final piece (I really fucking hope so) in the 8-9 YEAR LONG search for my mental health. Im healing it and coming across many extremely visceral emotional things that are like bombs in my life. Things I was not aware of that were happening like clockwork are now obvious patterns to me and im able to understand and heal them. My brain isnt fully develpoed yet I have a few more years of time. There is hope for me I can solve this and thus solve the root of my mental health issues and become an ACTUAL PERSON. (dispite my learning disabilities that I have no control over) The demons that have been eating away at me and stealing my life from me can finally be sealed into nothing. Im going into the epicenter of my traumas and life history and developmental history and the closer I get the more intense things get. Im changing fundamental things about myself and making realizations about things I had no idea were connected, or could be changed at all. Im fighting a really intense battle but I will see it through to the end and get what I deserve. My life is like a earthquake at the moment internally and externally. It will be a while before I see the full aftermath of my changes. I dont care what happens because I know at the end everything is going to settle into its PROPER place. And I will be healthy.

I know this is cringe and I sound crazy but thats how I feel and I have no one I can express this to so I posted here
(I guess this is a story)

You want to improve yourself by understanding why these issues exist.
You are becoming more self-aware by acknowledging there are underlying issues.

You are doing great, and I'm proud of you.
Keep moving step-by-step, and never forget that support exists.

 

[wasteandvoid]

You want to improve yourself by understanding why these issues exist.
You are becoming more self-aware by acknowledging there are underlying issues.

You are doing great, and I'm proud of you.
Keep moving step-by-step, and never forget that support exists.

Thank you I wish you the best with your recovery as well

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

"Im suicidal but im not going to kill myself" that's technically an oxymoron because "suicidal" refers to a person who is very likely to kill themselves.

My bad for the bit of correction there but good post. lol. Ironic to say this but this seems to one of the more, er, positive posts on the forum. Pretty much everyone here is greatly suffering from something, but stuff like this is good to see that you're still fighting. I always admire strong people such as yourself

I recently discovered I have borderline and that has been an absolutlely monumental shift in the way I view my past expereinces and myself and mental functioning now.

I'm like 90% sure i'm BPD myself