M
MissYouBoobaloo
Member
- Sep 25, 2024
- 8
Long story short my relatively young (m/m) partner passed away after a long battle with cancer. He was my first love, my best friend, and we entered into a relationship when I was already close to my 30s. Losing him has completely gutted my will to live, we were both chronically online creatures so basically every form of media / videogame / activity comes with a gut punch of grief and I can't distract myself, it's been over a month.
I used to be depressed before I met him, feeling like a loveless loser who was going to enter his 30s a virgin, but he showed me true love and compassion and kindness, and then the universe decided to give him a cancer that would slowly eat away at him over a year until his untimely death. Now I'm supposed to carry on somehow? There's no one in this world that will fit me like he did, and I'm not particularly interested in going back to my old loner lifestyle.
It's not like i haven't been trying, I've made some new friends and new connections I would have never made before, in a desperate attempt to fill some of the huge void his absence left in my life. My partner told me, with his own words, that if he died he wouldn't want it to kill me, personality or body. I'm trying so hard for you, babe. This is so tough, every night I go to sleep and I wish to not wake up so I can maybe have the off chance of being back with you in the afterlife. I'm seeking out grief therapy and I've been taking care of my physical health the best I ever have, trying to find some sense of purpose.
I've had a lot of depression and SI in my life, but this has been the worst it's ever been, and it's not even my fault this time. I feel like a genuinely broken human soul. The universe has told me that my happiness cannot be tolerated under no uncertain terms. Why did he have to go? He went through so fucking much to try and be alive with me, but the doctors and the medical system failed him tremendously. It's incredibly fucked up.
I may have ordered some SN as I've been researching ways to CTB. I don't know if I intend to actually follow through with it, people say that grief gets easier over time. I just don't wanna be here anymore without him. Everything hurts. I feel like i have love left to give, life left to live, but I don't wanna be going through this pain anymore. There's nothing that can be done about it. One of the biggest things keeping me from doing it immediately is I know how devastated my family and small group of friends would be.
Anyways that's my rant, thanks for reading if you did. It's a lot of stuff that I'm scared to say anywhere else cause I can't afford to take a grippy sock vacation right now, even though it would probably be good for me to disconnect for a while.
I used to be depressed before I met him, feeling like a loveless loser who was going to enter his 30s a virgin, but he showed me true love and compassion and kindness, and then the universe decided to give him a cancer that would slowly eat away at him over a year until his untimely death. Now I'm supposed to carry on somehow? There's no one in this world that will fit me like he did, and I'm not particularly interested in going back to my old loner lifestyle.
It's not like i haven't been trying, I've made some new friends and new connections I would have never made before, in a desperate attempt to fill some of the huge void his absence left in my life. My partner told me, with his own words, that if he died he wouldn't want it to kill me, personality or body. I'm trying so hard for you, babe. This is so tough, every night I go to sleep and I wish to not wake up so I can maybe have the off chance of being back with you in the afterlife. I'm seeking out grief therapy and I've been taking care of my physical health the best I ever have, trying to find some sense of purpose.
I've had a lot of depression and SI in my life, but this has been the worst it's ever been, and it's not even my fault this time. I feel like a genuinely broken human soul. The universe has told me that my happiness cannot be tolerated under no uncertain terms. Why did he have to go? He went through so fucking much to try and be alive with me, but the doctors and the medical system failed him tremendously. It's incredibly fucked up.
I may have ordered some SN as I've been researching ways to CTB. I don't know if I intend to actually follow through with it, people say that grief gets easier over time. I just don't wanna be here anymore without him. Everything hurts. I feel like i have love left to give, life left to live, but I don't wanna be going through this pain anymore. There's nothing that can be done about it. One of the biggest things keeping me from doing it immediately is I know how devastated my family and small group of friends would be.
Anyways that's my rant, thanks for reading if you did. It's a lot of stuff that I'm scared to say anywhere else cause I can't afford to take a grippy sock vacation right now, even though it would probably be good for me to disconnect for a while.