Venting I'm tired of waking up alone

[broken_stoic]

I'm in my mid-thirties, have only had two romantic relationships in my adult life, one of them being a fling and the other very brief. I get psycho-somatic symptoms where more or less experience emotions as physical pain. I'm extremely introverted around people I don't know and have extreme social anxiety going to events. I actually usually have a good time once I'm there, but the getting there is so bad I mostly turn around and go back home. On top of my regular health issues I also have chronic health issues that are not really diagnose other than as ME-CFS and related to psychological issues. I'm not working now, but was in a solid profession for the past eleven or so years, but because of my mental/physical health issues my job took everything out of me. I often had nothing left after work or on weekends, and it's only gotten worse even after therapy. I also was raised in an abusive homeschool/religious setting, so until 18-25 I was fairly programmed with some unhealthy ideas around how relationships work, and tbh I just didn't know how dating actually works in the real world. I was never "physical" with anyone until 25, which depresses the hell out of me.

I did all the things you are supposed to do to be healthy the best I could for years. I mediated, have worked out regularly since I was 12 (helped with health issues), did yoga, developed dozes of hobbies, read tons of self-help books, actively worked on improving myself, never did drugs despite how badly I wanted them to shut down all the pain, never even drank until I was 25 (after which I sometimes drank a bit too much, but on occasion), but nonetheless my health has been in a slow but continuous decline.

Put all those things together, and it's not that I couldn't have a serious relationship or don't want one, but I never have the energy or wellness to start one or do all of the social things you have to do to meet people and make new friends.

But even if I did, I have alot of issues courtesy of my upbringing, and I wouldn't want to make someone else miserable. I've actually had a couple of chances, one person in particular who was blatantly interested, but I let them go because I didn't want to end up hurting them.

Now I'm alone, I wake up and it's like my finger-tips are literally in pain wishing for human touch and my whole body just wants someone else to be there. But there's not. And there won't be. And if there was I would destroy the relationship. So I feel so thoroughly alone knowing that I need something so desperately, someone so desperately, but can't reach out and don't think I should if I could.

I do often think it is the one thing that might have made a difference though. Maybe not. Maybe all the romance chemicals would have worn off. Probably I am the kind of guy who gets dumped. Probably I would have been destructive. Probably every person I never dated is the better for it. But god I wish it was otherwise.

 

[Ligottian]

I have never woken up with a lover. Part of my hell on this earth.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

It's highly overrated, believe me.

 

[swankysoup]

It's highly overrated, believe me.

Relationships? Well they play a crucial part in our general well-being.

 

[divinemistress36]

It sucks I know. It seems only a small percentage of people get loving relationships though

 

[Leiot]

It's pretty nice if it's the right person. Other times it's like being in a bear trap and you'd rather gnaw you arm off and get away than stay until she wakes up. Dating is a skill like anything else. You will fuck it up in the beginning just like starting anything new. Like if you tried to play football and you never picked up a ball before. It sounds like most of what you were taught about women was wrong or what you learned about yourself was wrong, or both.

You might try platonic relationships to learn more. Women are just like us.. just different. Maybe some of the women here can chime in. I even got help from some of my gay friends. And it doesn't matter if you're straight, gay/lesbian, bi or whatever. We all have the same relationship problems.

I have chronic pain too and it sucks. You can't hide it like other problems. So you know off the bat you're at a disadvantage. So what? Most people are at a disadvantage, at least in the beginning. Most of us have to unlearn what we've been taught. That's hard.

It's harder for me now that I'm in my 60s. I don't know any women my age that haven't been through some bad shit. But it's not hopeless. I thought I saw a dating thread on SS somewhere.

Brother, IM me if you want.

 

[greebo6]

I get your pain. Its lonely , sometimes very , without someone special .Especially long term.
Relationships can be great . They can make a difference but its important to remember they are not always a magic wand or panacea.
And being with no person is usually better than being with the wrong person.
That may be of some consolation.
Mid thirties …you are not too old to meet someone.
But I understand your points and feelings.
Wish you luck anyway.