I’m trapped in a nightmare

[willitpass]

I need out of here so fucking bad. I don't even fucking want the ketamine anymore. I just want to leave and fucking kill myself. I even have a location picked out in the state I'm in, I don't even need to wait to get back to my home state. I need out so fucking bad. I'm in so much fucking pain. It hurts so bad to think. To exist. To breathe. I don't care anymore that I haven't seen my cat since October. That I haven't hugged my family since December. That my last memories with my loved ones are trapped in a psych ward. I can't wait any longer for them. I am so, so, so tired of life. I need to get out of here.

I'm not me anymore. I don't recognize who I am. The words that come out of my mouth aren't who I want to be. I've become rude, cynical, impossible to reason with. Any conversation I have either ends in me arguing or shutting down. I'm disgusted with how I treat the staff anymore. It's not me but it's like I can't stop. I've been stripped of every last piece of me. I'm in agony. I need to die.

Someone please make it stop. I can't handle being in my own head and I don't even have the luxury of being able to self-medicate anymore.

 

[willitpass]

Had a bit of a better night doing things. I've been punished for something completely out of my control again, at least it feels that way. After relapsing into my eating disorder from all of the trauma that happened last week I'm losing more and more privileges for "my safety" despite the only reason it relapsed was due to something completely out of my control and that should never have happened to begin with.
My treatment team are being incredibly vague every time I ask them what I need to do to earn the privileges back. They keep saying things like "let's just get back on track" or "you know what it looks like". I keep asking them for clarity and they won't answer me. I'm so incredibly frustrated.

 

[soonatpeace777888]

Are you allowed internet access in the ward?

 

[willitpass]

Are you allowed internet access in the ward?

I'm in residential. It really depends on where you are but the residential I'm at allows it.

 

[soonatpeace777888]

I'm in residential. It really depends on where you are but the residential I'm at allows it.

Oh, cool. I wasn't allowed squat when I was in.

 

[willitpass]

Oh, cool. I wasn't allowed squat when I was in.

Inpatient wards rarely allow it, but residentials tend to have at the very least time frames where phones are allowed (speaking for adult residentials, not adolescents).

 

[ceilng_tile]

Had a bit of a better night doing things. I've been punished for something completely out of my control again, at least it feels that way. After relapsing into my eating disorder from all of the trauma that happened last week I'm losing more and more privileges for "my safety" despite the only reason it relapsed was due to something completely out of my control and that should never have happened to begin with.
My treatment team are being incredibly vague every time I ask them what I need to do to earn the privileges back. They keep saying things like "let's just get back on track" or "you know what it looks like". I keep asking them for clarity and they won't answer me. I'm so incredibly frustrated.

This is abuse and gaslighting.

 

[willitpass]

I've been hiding food and telling them that I'm eating more than I am to be able to earn my privileges back. They're pretty un-observant so it's easy to get away with. That seems to be the missing piece to getting my privileges back. I was told I'll likely be here 3-4 more weeks, but who knows at this point as that's exactly what they told me 3 weeks ago. They told me today if I ask them again when I'm getting my privileges back I won't get them back because it's "reassurance seeking". I never should have lost them in the first place and they won't fucking tell me how to get them back, but sure, I'm reassurance seeking. If they were in my shoes they would be doing the same fucking thing.