Venting I'm trying so hard to get better but the pain won't go away

[shelaysdown]

I'm really trying hard to get out of this negative place but I've been in pain for so long, it feels natural, like breathing. It's hard for me to understand why. From a distance everything in my life looks pretty great, but I feel so fucking empty and sad all the time.

I'm always mourning some love that let me down, some person who betrayed me. I've never held anyone's hand romantically, or been on a nice date, yet somehow I've been abused, cheated on and assaulted. How is that possible?

I'm trying really hard to be gentle on myself. I've been down the path of hopelessness so many times before, I've almost given up on giving up, haha. But I just can't fathom getting through the rest of my life feeling this way.
Every night is a battle. Every night I am swallowed up by a grief that I do not feel entitled to. My pain feels unearned and pathetic, but godlike at the same time. I know when I'm dead, it will carry on. I want to be strong. I am not strong.

God, I just want somebody to hug me. To sit down and listen to me and tell me everything will be okay, that they'll hold me while I'm here in this low, dark place until I'm ready to come out. I thought I had people like that, but they always turned out to be bad people. They always recognized me for my vulnerability, and exploited it. And now the thought of being loved feels like an impossibility, a futile wish.

I have tried to focus on gratitude, on small improvements. Sometimes this works, but then the sun sets and everything closes in on me and I have to writhe my way to morning again.
I have so much good in my life, I can't leave. But this feeling is rotting me away inside. I'm just surviving through each day, this is not life. I don't know. Just rambling, I guess.

 

[NoFancyNames]

There are good people in this world, people with really kind hearts. Perhaps you will meet some someday and you will experience love. Unfortunately, I think love can also be painful, when your soul is going through this much of a torment.

I find your words relatable, and it somewhat helps to know that there is someone out there that feels this level of pain, although I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It feels like nobody else truly understands this feeling, and I so wish too someone could just hold me through it. So as trivial as it sounds - you are not alone in this. Does it help? Fuck, it probably doesn't, it still sucks. And it sucks that you are that one that needs to somehow hold yourself through this. It's not easy.

Well, for what is worth, everything in life is temporary, it moves. The pain will go away eventually, even if for a very short moment , you feel other things. And that feeling inside you that makes you fight and hold on for this long, keep holding onto this. There could be something good on the other side of that. Keep fighting, there is other side of this negativity, and maybe if you will keep trying, you will reach it. Good luck.

 

[timf]

We live in a relationally starved world. The UK even appointed a minister for loneliness (as it that will fix anything). Since we cannot change the world, we can try to find a way to navigate through it. Sometimes working to cultivate small relationships one can find opportunities to grow them into larger relationships. One doesn't have to focus on contact with romantic potential. A 45 second "conversation" with a convenience store clerk can have value.

Our desire can be so strong that even our attempts to make relational connections come out so intense that it tends to drive others away. It can be useful to engage in activities that bring you into contact with many others such as volunteer work such that casual social encounters might lead to the discovery of someone with whom a closer relationship (even if just friendship) can grow.