uselessflesh
夜は自己嫌悪で忙しい
- Oct 31, 2024
- 53
i turn 22 in a few months and i still feel too mentally and physically stunted to believe so. every day i could be drawing and creating art, putting myself out there to spend time with and talk to friends or even make new friends, but instead i lay in the dark and i sleep to emulate death and i slack on my schoolwork. and all of the art i draw now is terrible. and i can't even bring myself to talk to my friends knowing they ignore my cries for help. i dont know how to pick myself up and forgive them for hurting me, and i dont know why they stay when ive only been dry, terrible, isolating. i wish they would stop lying and leave already so i have more valid reason to ctb. im tired of seeing people with lots of friends that love them receive the support that ive been screaming for for ages. it reminds me of the neglect i've faced throughout my childhood and up until now where it's probably the worst its been and puts me in a weird chronic cptsd episode. i think my psychosis as well is coming back because my only source of comfort is hearing my favorite fictional character's voice and "feeling" him there with me. sometimes i see him in my peripheral and grow into rare excitement only to feel utter dread when i turn and he isn't there. when he isn't there i feel empty, sad, alone, unable to sleep. my belief that no one around me is real is returning too. why else would i be so invisible and unseen? why else would people around me be so tone deaf to my obvious suffering? why do i feel so alone and everyone is just standing and watching? i have greasy, tangled and untrimmed hair, undereye bags, an inability to smile, unkempt wrinkled clothing that i don't know how to wash and only come out to eat ramen once a day if i'm lucky and you have the nerve to ask if i'm enjoying college??? i know i'm good at masking despite my conditions but is there some sort of emotional unintelligence epidemic, or do they just not care? is anyone around me even real ? am i the issue , do i really need to ctb? will it even make me seen?
