Discussion Imagining a Beautiful Future

[Sophie123]

I need help. How do we like, umm, numb the desire of seeing what the future holds?

When you have loving family and friends and everyone around u loves u, and you love them, and each day is full of hundreds of small happy moments, but if they find out that u screwed up they wont love u anymore. All those happy moments will turn into blaming and hating and just misery for everyone who will be so disappointed. so no point in living, but we always like happily talk about "oh in a few yrs ____ or, " I cant wait to ____" or things like that and my future could hv been beautiful if I hadn't screwed up but too late now.

How do you, I guess, numb that thought , even if it cant go away fully? So that you can not mourn what could have been?

Like I know logically once I die I can't miss anything...I know that in my brain. I also know that even if I don't CTB, the future everyone expected for me won't happen, because I screwed things up. But I keep imagining what could have been a beautiful future and it hurts so damn much.

Sorry for the lack of grammar, I'm usually decently coherent but I can't even get myself to back read what I wrote because its so painful , knowing what will never be.

 

[avalokitesvara]

Sorry you are feeling so hopeless about the future. I don't know your situation but it sounds like you have a lot to live for and there's no guarantee you can't have the life you want and dream of just because you made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes, even huge ones. If you can face what happened and work to make amends then there is always a chance. All the best to you either way.

 

[Forever Sleep]

This is my personal opinion, so you can take it with a grain of salt. However, I feel- as long as the individual still has some fight left in them, then there isn't so much a thing as 'entirely screwing things up.' Obviously, I don't know your situation. So, maybe things really are that bad. I'm not meaning to belittle your experience here. Just that, sometimes we make the wrong decisions in life and, end up on the wrong path.

I've had to do a lot of 'course correcting' in my life. I did a second degree in my late twenties, early thirties because I felt so lost and unhappy in life. I've moved 100's of miles for a job and eventually, quit that job! Realising we're not happy and we maybe made the wrong decision is really just a prompt to make a different decision and, see how that works out.

The time I feel like it's kind of over is when you don't have anymore hope or curiosity about your possible futures and/ or, you've run out of energy to try. The courage to try and potentially fail again can also be a hinderance. As can the feeling that nothing will end up being worth the effort.

That's the stage I'm at really. I'm 44, so I feel like I've already tried a lot of things to turn my life around. For me, it's all just been finding the better out of a bunch of bad options and, it just doesn't feel enough anymore. I suppose I feel like realistically, I don't think even my best case scenario will make me all that happy and I don't even have the energy left to even try for it. So, for me, it's experience of knowing myself. What I want, what I'm likely to get with my limited talent, lack of confidence and social skills and, whether I think it's even worth the effort- I don't!

 

[Apathy79]

I'm trying to think what sort of act could cause that level of transition in feeling towards you from everyone. All I can think of is really severe criminal things like murder, rape, torture, paedophilia, something along those lines. Anything short of that and it seems like the effect is probably exaggerated. The fear of the reaction is likely worse than the reaction itself (even if the reaction is still very bad).

I mean I've done some pretty awful stuff in my time and have lost respect of some loved ones at various times, but never all of them and never in a way that was irreconcilable forever. Time heals a lot of this stuff, especially with a whole life of good memories to buffer it.
I'm trying to think what sort of act could cause that level of transition in feeling towards you from everyone. All I can think of is really severe criminal things like murder, rape, torture, paedophilia, something along those lines. Anything short of that and it seems like the effect is probably exaggerated. The fear of the reaction is likely worse than the reaction itself (even if the reaction is still very bad).

I mean I've done some pretty awful stuff in my time and have lost respect of some loved ones at various times, but never all of them and never in a way that was irreconcilable forever. Time heals a lot of this stuff, especially with a whole life of good memories to buffer it.

 

[newstart2000]

my future is devastated. I try to seize everyday until the CTB day comes.

 

[Sophie123]

It's like big obvious things (ie talking with family about future or whatever and they all think I'll end up successful) but also painfully small things . Like my family saying, "oh , we should go there next time" or my siblings talking about small things they wanna do next yr which I won't see, or even smth like playing a board game, or laughing at a joke. Cuz not only will I not get to do those things, I will also be taking that joy away from them forever.

This is my personal opinion, so you can take it with a grain of salt. However, I feel- as long as the individual still has some fight left in them, then there isn't so much a thing as 'entirely screwing things up.' Obviously, I don't know your situation. So, maybe things really are that bad. I'm not meaning to belittle your experience here. Just that, sometimes we make the wrong decisions in life and, end up on the wrong path.

I've had to do a lot of 'course correcting' in my life. I did a second degree in my late twenties, early thirties because I felt so lost and unhappy in life. I've moved 100's of miles for a job and eventually, quit that job! Realising we're not happy and we maybe made the wrong decision is really just a prompt to make a different decision and, see how that works out.

The time I feel like it's kind of over is when you don't have anymore hope or curiosity about your possible futures and/ or, you've run out of energy to try. The courage to try and potentially fail again can also be a hinderance. As can the feeling that nothing will end up being worth the effort.

That's the stage I'm at really. I'm 44, so I feel like I've already tried a lot of things to turn my life around. For me, it's all just been finding the better out of a bunch of bad options and, it just doesn't feel enough anymore. I suppose I feel like realistically, I don't think even my best case scenario will make me all that happy and I don't even have the energy left to even try for it. So, for me, it's experience of knowing myself. What I want, what I'm likely to get with my limited talent, lack of confidence and social skills and, whether I think it's even worth the effort- I don't!

I really appreciate that.....it does give me hope for a second. You sound very resilient, I really hope things turn around for you or some miracle happens. For me, I was always seen as perfect. My family was soooo proud of me for being ok at academics, it's all I was good at. but all of a sudden everything fell apart, (college, I can't even transfer to a reasonably good school, would hv to go to state) . My parents gave everything up for me to go to a good uni
and I've still been pretending everything is perfect. Lie after lie. And only a few months till it all falls apart. Like if I told them they would be so angry and disappointed and sad. And angry. And we wouldn't hv the small happy everyday moments. I don't wanna live a life where they know what a failure I am.

 

[GlassMoon]

It's like big obvious things (ie talking with family about future or whatever and they all think I'll end up successful) but also painfully small things . Like my family saying, "oh , we should go there next time" or my siblings talking about small things they wanna do next yr which I won't see, or even smth like playing a board game, or laughing at a joke. Cuz not only will I not get to do those things, I will also be taking that joy away from them forever.

I can feel how incredibly painful this must be for you, and I can also sense how much you're still longing to be part of that future even though you don't want to feel this way... is it possible for you to use your last sentence to feel through the conflict in a way? That maybe in spite of all the anger, they'd still be happy to have you?

I've also defined myself through academic success for quite some time, but then also fell into a hole when that option was gone.