Venting Impulsive Rant

[NotSalmon]

I have little sense of worth, oftentimes finding myself using people rather than helping them, I slack on the things I need to do until the very last minute or not at all and seem to act like I have no future, that I'm trying to throw it all away.
I'm pretentious, self-absorbed and ill-admittedly greedy. I like overindulging in everything far too much and feel disgusted at myself for such. I feel I want so badly for everything to go my way and sometimes go through unethical things to achieve such.
I do have dreams and ambitions, why do I do this to myself?
Then again they might just be fantasy, that is how they always feel to me.

 

[babouflo201223]

Ne sois pas si cruel avec toi, s'il te plaît. Je suis sûr qu'il y a plein de qualités derrière ce que tu décris comme tes défauts. C'est juste que tu as une vision limitée de toi-même. J'ai lu beaucoup de tes posts et il est évident que tu es un homme (?) ou une femme (?) très sensible, désolé je pense que tu es un homme mais je n'en suis pas sûr, c'est pour ça que j'écris comme ça.
Anyway, I send you big hugs.

Ne sois pas si cruel avec toi, s'il te plaît. Je suis sûr qu'il y a plein de qualités derrière ce que tu décris comme tes défauts. C'est juste que tu as une vision limitée de toi-même. J'ai lu beaucoup de tes posts et il est évident que tu es un homme (?) ou une femme (?) très sensible, désolé je pense que tu es un homme mais je n'en suis pas sûr, c'est pour ça que j'écris comme ça.
Quoi qu'il en soit, je t'envoie de gros câlins.

And sensitiveness is a great quality ! Even if it's certainly a suffering cause for yourself.

 

[NotSalmon]

Please don't be so cruel to yourself. I'm sure there are many qualities behind what you describe as your flaws. It's just that you have a limited vision of yourself. I've read many of your posts and it's obvious that you are a very sensitive man (?) or woman (?), sorry I think you are a man but I'm not sure, that's why I write like this.
Anyway, I send you big hugs.

And sensitiveness is a great quality ! Even if it's certainly a suffering cause for yourself.

I admit I do almost choose to feel this way. I can let it not get to my head if I tried enough, but it is hard to stop myself. I don't believe that this is how I feel all of the time, but it does often creep onto me.
I appreciate your thoughts and consideration, it means a lot but I have hard times expressing such :)

 

[babouflo201223]

J'avoue que je choisis presque de ressentir cela. Je peux ne pas m'en rendre compte si j'essaie suffisamment, mais il est difficile de m'en empêcher. Je ne crois pas que ce soit ce que je ressens tout le temps, mais cela m'arrive souvent.
J'apprécie vos pensées et votre considération, cela signifie beaucoup mais j'ai du mal à l'exprimer ainsi :)

You know, I think I'm sometimes a bit like you. We all share difficult things and problems here. The first woman I was in love had lost her son from a suicide (I was very young, 18 years old, and this woman could have been my mother, I mean about her age). I never knew her son, he was already dead. But I was fascinated by him, by what he wrote, by his music (compositor), by his paintings. And sometimes my brain was full of him, with just the idea to reach him and CTB as he did. I repeat that I never knew him, it was a strange and strong feeling beyond my control and beyond Death frontier. Slowly, these things disappeared but it was a weird experience for my brain. And I never understood what happened. I wanted to share that with you and to tell you that you're young and you have probably beautiful years to live, try to be a bit less impulsive (not easy, I know) and think that someone maybe is HERE, in OUR world, waiting for you to enjoy life even if it seems difficult for you to imagine now.

 

[NotSalmon]

You know, I think I'm sometimes a bit like you. We all share difficult things and problems here. The first woman I was in love had lost her son from a suicide (I was very young, 18 years old, and this woman could have been my mother, I mean about her age). I never knew her son, he was already dead. But I was fascinated by him, by what he wrote, by his music (compositor), by his paintings. And sometimes my brain was full of him, with just the idea to reach him and CTB as he did. I repeat that I never knew him, it was a strange and strong feeling beyond my control and beyond Death frontier. Slowly, these things disappeared but it was a weird experience for my brain. And I never understood what happened. I wanted to share that with you and to tell you that you're young and you have probably beautiful years to live, try to be a bit less impulsive (not easy, I know) and think that someone maybe is HERE, in OUR world, waiting for you to enjoy life even if it seems difficult for you to imagine now.

This was scary to read, because of how similar it is to my situation, but I never knew anyone related to this individual and he was long gone before I was even born. He was also a painter and poet, even in a band, but not much is known about his personal life, who he actually was, even though I am one of the few who probably know the most. I don't understand why but something compelled me to look into him more and more until it turned into a sort of unbearable pain. He was so young when he committed. This has been going on for what I'd say is 2 years now, I don't understand it. I was free from this for just a month or two and then it all came tumbling back. I wonder if it will ever pass. For now I will try to hang in there, I'm tired of abusing myself with a rope only to remain alive and injured.

 

[babouflo201223]

C'était effrayant à lire, car c'est à quel point c'est similaire à ma situation, mais je n'ai jamais connu personne lié à cet individu et il était parti bien avant ma naissance. Il était aussi peintre et poète, il faisait même partie d'un groupe, mais on ne sait pas grand-chose de sa vie personnelle, de qui il était réellement, même si je suis l'un des rares à en savoir probablement le plus. Je ne comprends pas pourquoi, mais quelque chose m'a poussé à l'examiner de plus en plus jusqu'à ce que cela se transforme en une sorte de douleur insupportable. Cela dure depuis ce que je dirais 2 ans maintenant, je ne comprends pas. Je n'ai été libéré de cela que pendant un mois ou deux, puis tout est revenu à la normale. Je me demande si cela passera un jour. Pour l'instant, je vais essayer de tenir le coup, je suis fatigué de me maltraiter avec une corde pour rester en vie et blessé.

Strange things happen during life, it's a fact, and it sometimes useless to look for explanations. But sometimes there are, coming from our brain or our consciensness. Did you already try to write poems or to create paintings ? Just try, to see what your feelings are ? Your brain needs maybe that you put your feet, artisticaly I mean, into this dead man's feet, for a reason that is impossible to know. In this case, that means you have to live, to change the sufferings into artistic creations, step by step, even it that seem crazy to you and wasted time for the moment.

 

[vercabow]

i'm very sorry to hear that, even if i can't personally relate too much.

what will say though, is that im happy you found joy division's music as a source of comfort and solace. disorder is one of the greatest songs ive ever listened to.