Story in defense of SS and a letter of gratitude

[charlottewilts]

disclaimer: i will not be naming any people in respect of their privacy.

i do not expect this post to really change the "adversaries'" opinions on the forum. maybe a journalist looking for an ready-made article will stumble upon it though.

i understand this forum was originally started as a "sister" forum to an incel one. this does not diminish its value. i also do not hate incels, i understand the vast majority are vulnerable young men who have been failed by the system, which you can see if you spend any amount of time on their forums. you can disagree with me, but the line between homicidal and suicidal feelings is quite thin. this isn't something i'm pulling out of my ass, if anybody's interested, i can pull up some sources later. in any case, as i was saying, i cannot hate them. i know they hate me for the simple fact that i was born female (something i'm not too happy about either, but i'm working on it). however, you have to understand that, especially in current year, hate is easier to breed than ever with social media and the illusion of anonymity on the internet. it is foolish to hate anybody. really, i cannot even hate people who bullied and tormented me for years, because they made me into the person i am today, for better or worse.

if i hadn't found this forum, i quite possibly would've killed myself already, or worse yet, ended up crippled for life, unable to do anything for myself or to even speak. however, having acquired SN and everything that is needed to go along with it to make the process swifter and more comfortable, i found myself somewhat paradoxically wanting to keep living. reading SS, you will find many such stories. who would have thought that when people don't feel like cornered animals armed only with their teeth and claws, they might not use them against themselves or others and will instead give life another try in earnest? i also met many friends. here i met a woman i tried to kill myself with, but she didn't tell me she was on suicide watch, and we were rescued. do i regret being rescued? yes, sometimes. but here i also met a girl who i went to see a play with in a neighbouring country, and we had a wonderful few days, and we still talk as often as we can. i also met a boy who i exchanged care packages with, who i'm hoping to meet if or when i move to his country to get a degree. it also so happened that my ex girlfriend had (and still has) an account on this website, which i found out later. i'm glad she broke up with me because i was hindering her efforts at recovery. i've met many more people i enjoyed talking to, some who are no longer with us, sadly. there are many intelligent young people on this website. really, if you have anything in your head, how could you not think of killing yourself? it's only natural. don't take this as me encouraging it, far from it. i also know i could've easily been murdered, or the suicide pact could've worked. but i still don't think this forum should be taken down, not until quick and painless suicide is made a free choice for any consenting adult (over 25 years, when the brain has fully formed) and before that, people are given easy access to therapy, housing, food and water, and every other possible aid. until we achieve this, it is inhumane to take it down. people will continue to kill themselves regardless. remember the Prohibition? you know what happens when you outlaw abortions? i would even dare to say this forum has saved more lives than it has taken. that is not to say it is absolved from criticism. it says a lot about society when a suicide forum has more healthy discussions than any form of social media, or God forbid, comments under a political news article. i've really said enough for now.

i'm also grateful for heroin. i am glad i got addicted to heroin. you don't hear that often, do you? it's true. heroin gave me the strength to work through my traumas, my issues, to become a better person for my sake and others'. will i ever stop using it? quite possibly, when i make peace with myself. will that be in a year, three or ten, i can't tell you. maybe i won't ever stop using it. did you know they're testing a heroin substitute as a medication for depression? i am not an advocate for medicating, i think psychiatric medicines are a scam by the pharmaceutical industry and i'm not willing to be their guinea pig. fancy that, they're giving you medication to test on you, and YOU have to pay for it! this is where i would usually say, people like you will burn in Hell if it exists. here is a conversation between Kirillov and Stavrogin from Dostoyevsky's Demons instead:

Spoiler: Kirillov and Stavrogin's conversation

"Everything's good."

"Everything?"

"Everything. Man is unhappy because he doesn't know he's happy. It's only that. That's all, that's all! If anyone finds out he'll become happy at once…

"And if anyone dies of hunger, and if anyone insults and outrages the little girl, is that good?"

"Yes! …They're bad because they don't know they're good. When they find out, they won't outrage a little girl. They'll find out that they're good and they'll all become good, every one of them."

"Here you've found it out, so have you become good then?"

"I am good."

"That I agree with, though," Stavrogin muttered, frowning.

"He who teaches that all are good will end the world."

"He who taught it was crucified."

"He will come, and his name will be the man-god."

"The god-man?"

"The man-god. That's the difference."

Kirillov kills himself in the end, but before he dies, realises he actually wants to live. Unfortunately, he finds that it is too late. I think, though, it is very rarely too late for people to recover.

let it be known that i do not agree with forced hospitalisation, at least not with how it is being used currently. it is dehumanising, humiliating and absolutely cruel. but i do believe if the system was reformed, the nurses were paid better and weren't forced to work long hours until they burn out and lash out, numerous lives could be saved. myself? i tried to run into traffic as soon as they let me out. a girl broke the ceiling light to slit her throat with the glass shards. another swallowed batteries from the TV remote. and i was hospitalised in countries where hospitals aren't even that bad, compared to the developing world. i'm very interested in psychology and medicine and i'd like to get a degree in psychology first so i can help people, to undo some of the damage, to right the wrongs done to me and others. with great sadness, i admit i cannot help everyone. no one can. but i can at least try to help as many people as possible. i hope maybe this post will help somebody too, at least a little.

it's exciting to think about rereading Dostoyevsky again in five, ten, twenty more years and seeing what things i missed, what things i can interpret differently, with new eyes. it's exciting to think about all the books i could read, music i could listen to, hobbies i could engage in, people i could love. it's exciting to see what kind of person i'm going to become. i feel like no obstacle is too big for me now. will i still stumble? of course. that's part of the journey too. i will forever fight suicidal thoughts, depression, substance abuse et cetera. but maybe that's the point of life? to conquer our vices, to be good? maybe that's why we were put on this Earth. forgive me for being overly sentimental. instead of expressing our self-will by killing ourselves, we can express it by being kind to ourselves and to others.

i am available for interview, debate, and am also very charming, beautiful and funny. i do not care about doxxing, others' opinions on me, or how this could harm my future career. you might think this is the product of a manic episode. maybe it is. Dostoyevsky was a gambler and he wrote Crime and Punishment to pay off debts accrued from gambling. does that make his writing any less great? i can do whatever the hell i want. thanks for reading.

 

[Aurora Vanderlux]

Thank you for your words, it is good to make those who oppose the forum understand, they will only silence the voices of those people who need a refuge or place of relief, and that suicide should be considered as a reasonable choice that can be taken until being sanest of all, and that access to painless methods should be a right.

The problem is that most people, mainly from the first world, believe that everything on the internet should be family-friendly, or be regulated under their own moral criteria, criteria that logically not all of us share, so it is easy for them to point us as trolls who incite people to commit suicide, or worse, with a group of terrorists.

Since the normies began to use the internet more and more, they have tried, forcibly, to censor or limit the freedom of expression that we can enjoy on the internet, rather causing countless people to massively migrate to other sites that they consider safe, when such sites fall to the inescapable demands of their adversaries, they will only cause this cycle to repeat itself over and over again.

This community is not the exception, it is a fact that it was born from Reddit, and when it was eliminated, this independent forum was simply created because many people wanted to expose and share their ideas and thoughts under their criteria. In short, the fight of the pro-lifers is pointless, since you can delete the forum, but not the community, this is what I say to those users who fear what the pro-lifers can do.

It's disgusting to see what the internet is becoming, and not only and see how people just support it or don't think about the consequences

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

This was really nice and refreshing to read... Goodness, it's been quite some time since we've spoken. Mad love for you.

I am happy to see your name. <3 Also happy you are not here to ctb!

I remember when I was in the ward, I had never wanted to ctb more in my life. It did the total opposite of what they told me it would do. I came out bitter and hateful towards the mental health system and health in general. I wish there was more that I could do, but reading that you would like to get into psychology brings me joy. Knowing that the possibility of you being a person who aids those who are suffering is a soothing thought.

Be well. xo

 

[Nemeshisu]

That's such a profound and well-written read. Words can't express how proud of you I feel. I am glad that you don't really want to CTB anymore.

You're an very kind and wonderful person. So, I am glad that you want to get into Psychology to help other people. I think you will do great and I wish you luck with that.

 

[charlottewilts]

I can't edit the original post anymore, but I just wanted to correct a mistake I made; it wasn't Crime and Punishment he wrote, it was The Gambler.

Thank you for your words, it is good to make those who oppose the forum understand, they will only silence the voices of those people who need a refuge or place of relief, and that suicide should be considered as a reasonable choice that can be taken until being sanest of all, and that access to painless methods should be a right.

The problem is that most people, mainly from the first world, believe that everything on the internet should be family-friendly, or be regulated under their own moral criteria, criteria that logically not all of us share, so it is easy for them to point us as trolls who incite people to commit suicide, or worse, with a group of terrorists.

Since the normies began to use the internet more and more, they have tried, forcibly, to censor or limit the freedom of expression that we can enjoy on the internet, rather causing countless people to massively migrate to other sites that they consider safe, when such sites fall to the inescapable demands of their adversaries, they will only cause this cycle to repeat itself over and over again.

This community is not the exception, it is a fact that it was born from Reddit, and when it was eliminated, this independent forum was simply created because many people wanted to expose and share their ideas and thoughts under their criteria. In short, the fight of the pro-lifers is pointless, since you can delete the forum, but not the community, this is what I say to those users who fear what the pro-lifers can do.

It's disgusting to see what the internet is becoming, and not only and see how people just support it or don't think about the consequences

I agree with everything you said..!

I'm especially shocked to see what Reddit has become. I think the absolute WORST part is how when a discussion gets too "hot", the moderators just lock or delete the post! The whole damn point of being a moderator is to facilitate healthy discussion and delete posts that are not contributing to the discussion at all, like ones which are just ad hominem insults. That sort of thing has spread to the whole internet. This is why I prefer imageboards to social media.

However, I don't think we should call people "normies". It creates an "us versus them" mentality and breeds hate. For recovery, it's necessary to let go of grudges and not hate anybody. Like I said in my post, I forgave all of my bullies, and also my parents for abusing me. I understand you completely though, I'm not trying to demean you, I used to think the same way.

This was really nice and refreshing to read... Goodness, it's been quite some time since we've spoken. Mad love for you.

I am happy to see your name. <3 Also happy you are not here to ctb!

I remember when I was in the ward, I had never wanted to ctb more in my life. It did the total opposite of what they told me it would do. I came out bitter and hateful towards the mental health system and health in general. I wish there was more that I could do, but reading that you would like to get into psychology brings me joy. Knowing that the possibility of you being a person who aids those who are suffering is a soothing thought.

Be well. xo

I am so, so, so glad to see you too!!! I hope you've been well! I am really sorry you had a bad experience in the psych ward. when i was in there, i met so many wonderful women who treated me better than my "friends" did. it actually helped me with my self esteem a lot, since i made friends with most of them (the only ones i didn't were the ones who were too depressed and were reclusive as a result). the day i left, everyone was really sad to see me go, we had a sort of farewell party.

otherwise, it was awful. they didn't let me use the gym or go to church, both of which were in the same building. they said they would have to have at least two nurses with me, and it was rare that two were on shift and available at the same time. i was seen as a huge risk haha. one time, it took EIGHT of them to tackle me to the ground when i tried to run away, so they were really careful with me from then on. i talked with a few male friends who were in jail and they told me what i experienced in there with regards to freedom of movement and many other things was much, MUCH worse than jail.

I'm really so very excited to study psychology. I've been thinking of making a series of YouTube videos as well, to talk about how I resolved my issues with everything you see in my signature. Well, mostly... I'm trying to get off of H right now. It's gonna be hard, but I know I can do it! Reading Dostoyevsky helped me a lot.

If you ever wanna chat again, DM me, I'll give you my new discord tag

That's such a profound and well-written read. Words can't express how proud of you I feel. I am glad that you don't really want to CTB anymore.

You're an very kind and wonderful person. So, I am glad that you want to get into Psychology to help other people. I think you will do great and I wish you luck with that.

I'm happy you think so Nem Thank you so much for such kind words! I really hope you can recover too. I don't think you're beyond saving at all. I'll always be here for you if you want help with it.

 

[silent staring void]

You can disagree with me, but the line between homicidal and suicidal feelings is quite thin. this isn't something i'm pulling out of my ass, if anybody's interested, i can pull up some sources later.

Tbh I haven't read the whole thing yet because I'm going to bed now, but I'm going to do so later. But I would like to know the source on that!