Help In limbo between life and death.

[Nightglimmer]

For the past few weeks I've been in a state of limbo where I don't know if I want to try to recover or if I just want to ctb. I'm scared of trying to get better because I don't know what to expect. I'm in therapy but I still haven't tried medication, however I'm worried about side effects. I know I'm still young and that makes me more inclined to try to get better since I still have so much more of life to experience and I feel guilty for wanting to die so early on. However I don't want to give up my SN and meto even though I know that its the only way I can truly start to allow myself to recover. I'm scared of not having a backup of ctb just in case I can't get better. It scares me that I know exactly what would happen if I were to die but recovery is so uncertain. The thing is I know I have a promising life that I could return to but I'm scared I'll never be able to fully live it. I just don't know what to do.

 

[pole]

always will be a backup ctb plan, you could get the SN and stuff all the time as well as the option of N. You'll always have access to these backup ctb plans incase recovery fails. as to recovery, try it and run with it. meds are there for a reason, consult thoroughly with a doctor about it, but its helped alot of people and its messed up some people. but you wont know till you try it. you sound extremely enthusiastic about you're "promising future"; i feel like you still have so much to live for, especially considering you're young. CTB is always gonna be there dude, but until you try and get better, you wont know what your gonna expect and get out of it. Thats life, whatever you do, theres gonna be two types of outcomes.

if you really dont wanna throw ur sn and stuff away, put it somewhere secure and safe. i just think in order to fully want to recover, youd have to get of ur sn. the idea of ctbing being right in ur hands, and accessible right at ur disposal is gonna be at the back of ur mind whenever u feel down, which obviously sometimes happens even when were in recovery; literally no way to avoid that.

you got this, if you ever need anyone to talk to, im all ears.

 

[dandan]

For the past few weeks I've been in a state of limbo where I don't know if I want to try to recover or if I just want to ctb. I'm scared of trying to get better because I don't know what to expect. I'm in therapy but I still haven't tried medication, however I'm worried about side effects. I know I'm still young and that makes me more inclined to try to get better since I still have so much more of life to experience and I feel guilty for wanting to die so early on. However I don't want to give up my SN and meto even though I know that its the only way I can truly start to allow myself to recover. I'm scared of not having a backup of ctb just in case I can't get better. It scares me that I know exactly what would happen if I were to die but recovery is so uncertain. The thing is I know I have a promising life that I could return to but I'm scared I'll never be able to fully live it. I just don't know what to do.

I've spent 20 years of depression and two suicide attempts, I'm doing my testosterone replacement therapy, I'm fucking great! And I still have my N in the fridge, i won't lose it , sell it, or throw it away! It's always a backup plan, at least until it expires and a little longer.

I've tried all meds, meds were not my cure but dianabol, testosterone and then an endocrinologist (hormone specialist doctor)

You will do what you will do... I'm just sharing my recovery experience.... I've have a lot about failed attempts , failed doctors and medicines but I wknt go there now, no need, I'm doing fine now.

 

[Partial-Elf]

I've spent 20 years of depression and two suicide attempts, I'm doing my testosterone replacement therapy, I'm fucking great! And I still have my N in the fridge, i won't lose it , sell it, or throw it away! It's always a backup plan, at least until it expires and a little longer.

I've tried all meds, meds were not my cure but dianabol, testosterone and then an endocrinologist (hormone specialist doctor)

You will do what you will do... I'm just sharing my recovery experience.... I've have a lot about failed attempts , failed doctors and medicines but I wknt go there now, no need, I'm doing fine now.

Out of curiosity, how did you find out you had this issue? Did you ask the doctor to do a test of your hormone levels or did they suggest the test? It just seems like my doctor would never do something that in depth and it would be weird for me to ask

 

[Ruffian]

I had a bf who was tested by an endocrinologist for low testosterone. It's more common in men over 40 from what I hear. He did end up with it and needed to give himself injections daily, sometimes with my help. It did help with the depression

 

[dandan]

Out of curiosity, how did you find out you had this issue? Did you ask the doctor to do a test of your hormone levels or did they suggest the test? It just seems like my doctor would never do something that in depth and it would be weird for me to ask

I was rambling and close to CTB, I did and spent a lot of money and did some to get myself some N.
In a post here, I said I tried everything, and one guy told me if I hadn't tried Dianabol I havent tried everything... that very same day I went online and bought Dianabol, started going to the gym....
when the pills arrived, four days later, I still did not felt much change...
but couple more days, I was damm good
at least I am not thinking, feeling about killing myself, and that by itself is awesome and completely worth it.
So I felt so good, that I searched for an expert endocrinologist, (which resulted cheaper than a psychatrist or psychologist visit)
I met the doctor, told him my issue, and the doctor told me himself that there are many people visiting psychologists and pschiatrists while their real issue is/are hormones.
The doctor told me that i wouldnt be his only patient with emotional issues.
But he also told me that he uses testostorene therapy to turn woman into men, or other hormones to turn men into woman.
he also told me that like those people, they need to keep injecting hormones to "feel" good, and how that issue is not only psychological but clinical/medical.
he told me that if I feel good doing this,
to continue for 11 weeks, and then we will take another blood sample and let blood samples decide how we use hormones in a monitored way.

he seemed fine with it,
he understood I was near suicide
he knows I've received ElectroConvulsive therapy, I've done every kind of drug and psychodelic I've found searching for a cure
he knows I am willing to do anything to feel like I do now.
plus , he is not interested in just making me visit him every week to get a paycheck
he told me we will see again until week 10 or 11

 

[Partial-Elf]

I was rambling and close to CTB, I did and spent a lot of money and did some to get myself some N.
In a post here, I said I tried everything, and one guy told me if I hadn't tried Dianabol I havent tried everything... that very same day I went online and bought Dianabol, started going to the gym....
when the pills arrived, four days later, I still did not felt much change...
but couple more days, I was damm good
at least I am not thinking, feeling about killing myself, and that by itself is awesome and completely worth it.
So I felt so good, that I searched for an expert endocrinologist, (which resulted cheaper than a psychatrist or psychologist visit)
I met the doctor, told him my issue, and the doctor told me himself that there are many people visiting psychologists and pschiatrists while their real issue is/are hormones.
The doctor told me that i wouldnt be his only patient with emotional issues.
But he also told me that he uses testostorene therapy to turn woman into men, or other hormones to turn men into woman.
he also told me that like those people, they need to keep injecting hormones to "feel" good, and how that issue is not only psychological but clinical/medical.
he told me that if I feel good doing this,
to continue for 11 weeks, and then we will take another blood sample and let blood samples decide how we use hormones in a monitored way.

he seemed fine with it,
he understood I was near suicide
he knows I've received ElectroConvulsive therapy, I've done every kind of drug and psychodelic I've found searching for a cure
he knows I am willing to do anything to feel like I do now.
plus , he is not interested in just making me visit him every week to get a paycheck
he told me we will see again until week 10 or 11

This is really interesting, thanks for sharing. I'm going to look into it

 

[Ruffian]

For the past few weeks I've been in a state of limbo where I don't know if I want to try to recover or if I just want to ctb. I'm scared of trying to get better because I don't know what to expect. I'm in therapy but I still haven't tried medication, however I'm worried about side effects. I know I'm still young and that makes me more inclined to try to get better since I still have so much more of life to experience and I feel guilty for wanting to die so early on. However I don't want to give up my SN and meto even though I know that its the only way I can truly start to allow myself to recover. I'm scared of not having a backup of ctb just in case I can't get better. It scares me that I know exactly what would happen if I were to die but recovery is so uncertain. The thing is I know I have a promising life that I could return to but I'm scared I'll never be able to fully live it. I just don't know what to do.

I got sidetracked by that comment on low testosterone, I meant to say something else earlier when I couldn't have my phone out. I see you got some good replies from others anyway. I just wanted to let you know I've been in limbo since I was like 5. I'm really as unhappy as I've ever been, but I have bipolar disorder so sometimes things don't seem as bad. Even someone from this forum gave me encouragement to keep trying if I feel like I can, and decide if it would be worth it. Not in a pro-life way either. I won't give you advice, but it seemed like there was a little hope in your post. And you're young, so yeah maybe things could get better. It's ok not to know. I do know even though the forum has changed some, essentially it is a good place to get support, and this is the only active community I know of online where people can relate to depression that's really deep.

 

[throwaway123]

same here bro

 

[dandan]

Its starting week 14 since I started with Dianabol and testo, and im cery stable, no depression.
Today I go see the doctor, I believe we will change dosis today, a different testo, maybe lower doses , well we'll see, I dont want to jump forward.


So far so good, not a single moment of depression in 13 weeks, (1 week after I started) , well I do get sad when I see the 20 years I've spent depressed and not achieving anything, but I'll make it up