Help Internal conflict - birthday approaching - I feel miserable.

[illAF]

I made a pact with myself that I will be gone before my birthday. Means before or on the 15th of December.

I think I already said that in another thread, sorry if this is redondant.

Anyway, as the day is approaching, I do not feel relieved as I thought I would be. I feel terrible. Miserable. I want to do it every single night. And every single night, I postpone it. And I fucking hate myself for that.

I wish I could do it without any preparation, in the confort of my bedroom. I think in these conditions, it would already be done. But definitely can't do it at home (it will be in my car, I have a bed at the back. But still, needs to prep things as we're in winter and I want things to be confy and car pretty). But I never feel ready, mostly for the preparation of it all, the regimen, the preparation of my car, the place etc. Again, if I had nothing to plan, I would drink the SN right now. Definitely.

So I hate myself and cry every single night. I feel like if I don't do it before my birthday, I would feel even more miserable afterwards. And now, I have to organise my days to suffer the less possible before ctb. Cause I'm so fucking scared of suffering. In life and in death. And right now, I'm stuck in the middle. Can't live, can't die.

My family urges me to organise something for my birthday. I already told them I did not want to do anything but I wish I could tell them the real reason. Cause I feel so so so alone with myself and my body and it is horrible. I need to share with my loved ones. But obviously I can't.

I don't know what to do. I feel so so so bad. I am terrified to not be able to ctb before the 15th but I am terrified to ctb. This internal conflict burns me from inside.

Sorry, needed to vent I guess.

 

[avalokitesvara]

I'm so sorry. That's an awful headspace to be in. I'm not trying to persuade you either way of course, but perhaps this is a sign this isn't the right time. Maybe you need to spend longer planning so you can feel secure that everything's ready and not feel rushed and stressed about it. Your birthday is an arbitrary date, I know it feels symbolic, but the bus will be there to catch on any day. If it's all too much in both directions now maybe take a bit of pressure off yourself by thinking it HAS to be on your birthday. Take care, I hope you find peace from all this strife and agony

 

[illAF]

I'm so sorry. That's an awful headspace to be in. I'm not trying to persuade you either way of course, but perhaps this is a sign this isn't the right time. Maybe you need to spend longer planning so you can feel secure that everything's ready and not feel rushed and stressed about it. Your birthday is an arbitrary date, I know it feels symbolic, but the bus will be there to catch on any day. If it's all too much in both directions now maybe take a bit of pressure off yourself by thinking it HAS to be on your birthday. Take care, I hope you find peace from all this strife and agony

Thank you very much for your kind answer. Rationally, I know my birthday is just a symbolic and arbitrary date and there is nothing wrong if I don't do it before. But emotionally, this so hard. I've been persuading myself about that for a year now. And I really feel I would betray myself if I don't do it. I know it sounds silly. The worst thing is that I hate myself for not having the strength to ctb before the 15th AND I hate myself for putting so much importance on that date.

I've been wanting to ctb for fifteen years now. I set a date, made a pact with myself to be SURE to do it. Instead of trying to pursue my life miserably like I always do.
Does anybody have any advice for trying to be more gentle with myself ? I know I should accept the fact of profoundly wanting it but not being able to do it. But I just don't know how to accept that. I don't know how to be gentle with myself and it is becoming more and more painful as the day is approaching.

 

[avalokitesvara]

Thank you very much for your kind answer. Rationally, I know my birthday is just a symbolic and arbitrary date and there is nothing wrong if I don't do it before. But emotionally, this so hard. I've been persuading myself about that for a year now. And I really feel I would betray myself if I don't do it. I know it sounds silly. The worst thing is that I hate myself for not having the strength to ctb before the 15th AND I hate myself for putting so much importance on that date.

I've been wanting to ctb for fifteen years now. I set a date, made a pact with myself to be SURE to do it. Instead of trying to pursue my life miserably like I always do.
Does anybody have any advice for trying to be more gentle with myself ? I know I should accept the fact of profoundly wanting it but not being able to do it. But I just don't know how to accept that. I don't know how to be gentle with myself and it is becoming more and more painful as the day is approaching.

I'm crying for you. I'm with you, I can feel your pain and confusion so much. I want you to know everything is going to be ok. You are a creature of the universe and you will not suffer forever. It is guaranteed that you will not suffer forever. Being gentle with yourself is to know you are a creature of the universe and it will all be ok in the end. You will be in peace. Whatever you have been through, will disappear like a frost when the sun rises in the morning. You will return to the ocean you came from, which is peace and love and oneness. You won't have all these fears and doubts and pain anymore. It is guaranteed. You don't have to force it. You don't have to make it into a stick to beat yourself with. It will come for you one day, it will, and that means everything is ok. If you can just breath now, feel your breaths, and try to let this moment fill you, you may feel a taste of the calm that awaits you on the other shore once you have passed through the difficult moment of dying. This is the case for all of us, all who are sick or old or suicidal. Someone else out there is just like you right now, feeling the same, so many people just at this moment are also afraid and suffering. But all of us will be ok, all of us will pass through this hard moment, and we will be at peace. Love.

 

[illAF]

I'm crying for you. I'm with you, I can feel your pain and confusion so much. I want you to know everything is going to be ok. You are a creature of the universe and you will not suffer forever. It is guaranteed that you will not suffer forever. Being gentle with yourself is to know you are a creature of the universe and it will all be ok in the end. You will be in peace. Whatever you have been through, will disappear like a frost when the sun rises in the morning. You will return to the ocean you came from, which is peace and love and oneness. You won't have all these fears and doubts and pain anymore. It is guaranteed. You don't have to force it. You don't have to make it into a stick to beat yourself with. It will come for you one day, it will, and that means everything is ok. If you can just breath now, feel your breaths, and try to let this moment fill you, you may feel a taste of the calm that awaits you on the other shore once you have passed through the difficult moment of dying. This is the case for all of us, all who are sick or old or suicidal. Someone else out there is just like you right now, feeling the same, so many people just at this moment are also afraid and suffering. But all of us will be ok, all of us will pass through this hard moment, and we will be at peace. Love.

Thank you. Your words really resonate into me. Thank you xxxx

 

[Overwhelmed52]

So, so many people feel the same way.

 

[lnlybnny]

Going through the same predicament. I'm about to turn 30 and I'm terrified to say the least especially not having accomplished anything and also being a neet since always. I thought I'd ctb at my 20th birthday but I'm still here. Then I thought I'd go by 30 but until now I don't even have the strength to buy my SN kit. I don't know what to tell you besides you're not alone. Sorry about it

 

[illAF]

Going through the same predicament. I'm about to turn 30 and I'm terrified to say the least especially not having accomplished anything and also being a neet since always. I thought I'd ctb at my 20th birthday but I'm still here. Then I thought I'd go by 30 but until now I don't even have the strength to buy my SN kit. I don't know what to tell you besides you're not alone. Sorry about it

We're so many going through the same shit. I envy so much those who had the courage to finally go. This battle against ourselves is just horrible... Sorry for you too

 

[socrates]

I feel you. My plan is to CTB in May, unless things radically change by then. Scared to live, scared to die. It's nothing, but fear. I'm someone who likes to share everything with my GF, but suicide is a loney road. If anyone finds out they may try to stop you. That's why I'm glad SS exists. It's a place where you can find support and support others.

Going through the same predicament. I'm about to turn 30 and I'm terrified to say the least especially not having accomplished anything and also being a neet since always. I thought I'd ctb at my 20th birthday but I'm still here. Then I thought I'd go by 30 but until now I don't even have the strength to buy my SN kit. I don't know what to tell you besides you're not alone. Sorry about it

i'm in the same boat, but 30 is scary AF. And recovery feels fucking imposibe