uglyugly
Student
- Aug 24, 2024
- 164
Hey Y'all. So this is both an introduction and a rant.
I'm a woman in my mid 50s from the US and am here because it is time to start planning the end of my life. Feel free to call me Jane, but obviously not my real first name. There are two reasons I am ready to ctb, the first being I've wanted to die most of my life and most (not all) of my time on this planet has been spent in horrible suffering, fear, depression, and never being able to get my head above water.
TW for mention of a cult, sexual abuse, self injury and a murder, but no gory details given.
I was 3 when my grandfather started molesting me. No one did a damn thing to stop it. In recent years, what was left of my family said they suspected it happened. Where the hell were they when it was happening, then? At any rate, I was also forced into a cult-like group that killed another child (at least one). I was forced to watch this and was told it was my fault. It wasn't: I was six years old. I started self-injuring at 6 and developed PTSD, although that word did not really exist then, and severe anxiety and depression. I had nightmares every night until I left home at 18. I was an outcast always in my family and school. I couldn't get my shit together to save my life. I wound up anorexic in high school because I hated my body so damn much, I wanted to die nearly every day of my childhood. I hated myself so much. I was raped when I was 21 and have been in numerous abusive relationships in my life.
By late 1999, I was single and happier than I'd ever been, until I started recovering memories from early years. I felt like the cult was after me, even though that was illogical since most of them had to be dead of old age by then. I got into a support group for sexual abuse recovery that I can credit with saving my life.
End TW
In 2006, I lost my home. I have never recovered emotionally and although I have a new one, it has never been and never will feel like home. I had a job I loved from 2007 to 2012, but then lost that due to no fault of my own. I was in extreme poverty then, but was so happy every day because I loved the job so much.
The last 14 or so years after losing that job have been unbearable. Nearly all my family has died and my dad is the only one I have left. He has dementia and is now an asshole as a result of it. He was never like that before and it is so goddamn hard to watch him fall apart. I don't know him any more. That is NOT the man I grew up with. Now He does not give half a fuck about me and that really hurts. I don't want him to solve my problems. I want him to HEAR me and not blow me off. It hurts.
Aside from that, many beloved pets have died, including my best friend cat. I am still missing him a year later. I spent 5.5 years in a job with an excessively abusive manager and co-manager, but stayed for the money... finally was ready to literally shoot myself so had to quit. My mom died from ALS, so did my aunt, my cousin killed himself and his entire family, my brother is an addict who keeps trying to cheat my dad out of money, I am in poverty, I eat out of the dumpster at work and have had 2 serious cases of food poisoning as a result, A lot of things like my only toilet and shower are broken and I have no money to fix any of it. My health is terrible - I just got another infected tooth pulled out but my jaw is infected, again with no money to fix it. I am so tired but never really sleep deeply enough to heal. My body is beaten and broken and refuses to heal itself. I absolutely hate my job and am not making enought to live on. I am estranged from my family (except my dad) because they believed in the virus panic of the last 4 years and I was very vocal that I did not. I really don't want to get into any conversations about that topic. But because I would not jump onto the bandwagon and go along with the narrative, I lost my family and all friends. I never thought anything could break apart my family. Well, it did.
I was always able to get myself out of severe depression - at least enough to function - but none of my coping mechanisms work any more. I can barely get out of bed. I hate my job with a passion. I am always tired. I have been unable to find a better or additional job because I am so exhausted to even look. Every damn day is the same: I wake up, pick up the mess I was too tired to do anything about the night before, eat, go back to bed, go to work for a few hours, come home and collapse from exhaustion, then barely sleep. I wake up exhausted and depressed. There is no way out of this pattern.
I screamed at "god" for years to let me die, to kill me. Sometimes I'd scream it for hours until my throat hurt and my diaphragm was so tight it felt like I'd torn it. Sometimes I'd scream until I threw up or/and pissed myself. I want to die so badly. But every fucking day I wake up. I finally concluded there is no deity or else it would have killed me and let me the hell out of my hell. Why can't I die? People my age do die of natural causes, why can't I? I am in intolerable pain, the physical pain is one thing but the emotional pain is horrendous. I want to fucking die.
The second reason it's time to die is more of a practical one: I am so broke that I WILL eventually lose my home. I don't have any other choice but suicide if I want my death to be on my terms. I spent a year working with the homeless and I am NOT judging them at all, but I sure as hell don't want to be homeless and wind up pissing and shitting on the streets of my city like they had to. Again, no judgement, but I would much rather die than live on the streets at my age. I don't want to lose my home, my pets, access to clean food, water and clothing, and live in utter filth. I am too broke with no way out. So the most compassionate thing I can do for myself is to end my life before I'm homeless.
It seems ironic - I spent so many years recovering from the abuse and feel like I'm 99% on the other side of that mountain, and that's damn good, but now I am fighting a demon I can't beat: poverty. Add that into a lifetime of self hatred and it's waaaaaay past time to check out.
I want to get all my affairs in order, make sure my pets are taken care of ahead of my death, then plan and execute the most painless death I can. I want to die in my own bed with the morning sun coming in, with peaceful music playing. I want one more cup of coffee, one moment of peace before I die. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. What ever lies beyond this world can't possibly be as bad as this place. I'm hoping by being here I can learn about what does and does not work to ctb (I have been reading various threads already) but have pretty much settled on the same method my cousin chose - shotgun. But more than that I want to connect with people who get the struggle. I am so alone.
I may not have been a perfect person in my life but I don't deserve the hell I'm in. No one does. I want to die.
I'm a woman in my mid 50s from the US and am here because it is time to start planning the end of my life. Feel free to call me Jane, but obviously not my real first name. There are two reasons I am ready to ctb, the first being I've wanted to die most of my life and most (not all) of my time on this planet has been spent in horrible suffering, fear, depression, and never being able to get my head above water.
TW for mention of a cult, sexual abuse, self injury and a murder, but no gory details given.
I was 3 when my grandfather started molesting me. No one did a damn thing to stop it. In recent years, what was left of my family said they suspected it happened. Where the hell were they when it was happening, then? At any rate, I was also forced into a cult-like group that killed another child (at least one). I was forced to watch this and was told it was my fault. It wasn't: I was six years old. I started self-injuring at 6 and developed PTSD, although that word did not really exist then, and severe anxiety and depression. I had nightmares every night until I left home at 18. I was an outcast always in my family and school. I couldn't get my shit together to save my life. I wound up anorexic in high school because I hated my body so damn much, I wanted to die nearly every day of my childhood. I hated myself so much. I was raped when I was 21 and have been in numerous abusive relationships in my life.
By late 1999, I was single and happier than I'd ever been, until I started recovering memories from early years. I felt like the cult was after me, even though that was illogical since most of them had to be dead of old age by then. I got into a support group for sexual abuse recovery that I can credit with saving my life.
End TW
In 2006, I lost my home. I have never recovered emotionally and although I have a new one, it has never been and never will feel like home. I had a job I loved from 2007 to 2012, but then lost that due to no fault of my own. I was in extreme poverty then, but was so happy every day because I loved the job so much.
The last 14 or so years after losing that job have been unbearable. Nearly all my family has died and my dad is the only one I have left. He has dementia and is now an asshole as a result of it. He was never like that before and it is so goddamn hard to watch him fall apart. I don't know him any more. That is NOT the man I grew up with. Now He does not give half a fuck about me and that really hurts. I don't want him to solve my problems. I want him to HEAR me and not blow me off. It hurts.
Aside from that, many beloved pets have died, including my best friend cat. I am still missing him a year later. I spent 5.5 years in a job with an excessively abusive manager and co-manager, but stayed for the money... finally was ready to literally shoot myself so had to quit. My mom died from ALS, so did my aunt, my cousin killed himself and his entire family, my brother is an addict who keeps trying to cheat my dad out of money, I am in poverty, I eat out of the dumpster at work and have had 2 serious cases of food poisoning as a result, A lot of things like my only toilet and shower are broken and I have no money to fix any of it. My health is terrible - I just got another infected tooth pulled out but my jaw is infected, again with no money to fix it. I am so tired but never really sleep deeply enough to heal. My body is beaten and broken and refuses to heal itself. I absolutely hate my job and am not making enought to live on. I am estranged from my family (except my dad) because they believed in the virus panic of the last 4 years and I was very vocal that I did not. I really don't want to get into any conversations about that topic. But because I would not jump onto the bandwagon and go along with the narrative, I lost my family and all friends. I never thought anything could break apart my family. Well, it did.
I was always able to get myself out of severe depression - at least enough to function - but none of my coping mechanisms work any more. I can barely get out of bed. I hate my job with a passion. I am always tired. I have been unable to find a better or additional job because I am so exhausted to even look. Every damn day is the same: I wake up, pick up the mess I was too tired to do anything about the night before, eat, go back to bed, go to work for a few hours, come home and collapse from exhaustion, then barely sleep. I wake up exhausted and depressed. There is no way out of this pattern.
I screamed at "god" for years to let me die, to kill me. Sometimes I'd scream it for hours until my throat hurt and my diaphragm was so tight it felt like I'd torn it. Sometimes I'd scream until I threw up or/and pissed myself. I want to die so badly. But every fucking day I wake up. I finally concluded there is no deity or else it would have killed me and let me the hell out of my hell. Why can't I die? People my age do die of natural causes, why can't I? I am in intolerable pain, the physical pain is one thing but the emotional pain is horrendous. I want to fucking die.
The second reason it's time to die is more of a practical one: I am so broke that I WILL eventually lose my home. I don't have any other choice but suicide if I want my death to be on my terms. I spent a year working with the homeless and I am NOT judging them at all, but I sure as hell don't want to be homeless and wind up pissing and shitting on the streets of my city like they had to. Again, no judgement, but I would much rather die than live on the streets at my age. I don't want to lose my home, my pets, access to clean food, water and clothing, and live in utter filth. I am too broke with no way out. So the most compassionate thing I can do for myself is to end my life before I'm homeless.
It seems ironic - I spent so many years recovering from the abuse and feel like I'm 99% on the other side of that mountain, and that's damn good, but now I am fighting a demon I can't beat: poverty. Add that into a lifetime of self hatred and it's waaaaaay past time to check out.
I want to get all my affairs in order, make sure my pets are taken care of ahead of my death, then plan and execute the most painless death I can. I want to die in my own bed with the morning sun coming in, with peaceful music playing. I want one more cup of coffee, one moment of peace before I die. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. What ever lies beyond this world can't possibly be as bad as this place. I'm hoping by being here I can learn about what does and does not work to ctb (I have been reading various threads already) but have pretty much settled on the same method my cousin chose - shotgun. But more than that I want to connect with people who get the struggle. I am so alone.
I may not have been a perfect person in my life but I don't deserve the hell I'm in. No one does. I want to die.
