Story Introduction/Terrified of future

[ViolatedAutonomy]

I've been deprived to live my own life for as long as I can remember. From juvy for years to where I was eaten by bed bugs for defending myself from my parent attacking me and being framed as an aggressor, probation, and jail later. My life mildly improved and seemed to be going better and I was going to college but the COVID lockdown destroyed my dreams of ever having a better life and I was forced to drop out. The legal system has steadily targeted me my entire life for things I either did not aggress, or currently I am in the process of being accused of something I did not do. I was 3 weeks away from being done probation and moving on with my life when I was pulled over for a warrant over an incident I had no knowledge of that was two years ago and only from what a single person said. I am devastated and terrified of continuing to live like this, and worse for something I didn't do. I've done everything that has been asked of me and have been living nothing but what would be considered a "normal" life. I feel so lost in life and admittedly would prefer to CTB(Catch the bus, or as I'd prefer to call it - cut the bullshit). I am looking for a way to come to terms that my life simply may just be for forfeit and doesn't have much going for it, or how I can cope with my circumstances. I simply cannot live like this or worse anymore if things go wrong.

I know no one here can magically fix my problems or my life, and truly I am simply just venting and looking for support. I'm not a bad person, and it destroys my self esteem to be painted as one. I've experienced and seen horrible things that have riddled me with PTSD to where every knock on the door or bump in the night immediately flings me into hyper-vigilance and I feel my heart skip a beat. I've been told to play with the cards that life has dealt you, but I feel I've been dealt a hand where there's no winning and the game is rigged - the house always wins. The problem is these aren't things I can simply just change, currently and depending on what happens these are things that are set in stone. I really wish it was just as easy as doing things to change what my future could be, or even have the hope or possibility things may be different.

I am truly struggling with the thought of saving myself from the suffering this all may bring, or playing it out and seeing where it goes. On one end there's the guarantee of saving myself from the suffering - but also the potential of things being better in the far future. The other side of the coin is gambling between things working out or the potential of absolute despair. It's like I'm just hoping the coin lands on its edge.

Besides that, hello everyone. I am blessed to be around people who understand.