Is anyone else in therapy

[cazza82]

Is there anyone else in therapy and has disclosed their suicidal thoughts and it really helped but because you always feel like you're a burden or a problem that your afraid to bring it up again I'm 100 per cent trying but the thoughts just won't go I promised to keep myself safe I just can't help but feel like it looks like I'm not trying If I bring it up again because it's scary as hell right. I guess this is all the years of being convinced that your just worthless useless and not worth the help I mean I technically know she would never think that of me she's a really good person and she's the only one that has actually ever seen and heard me I most definitely feel comfortable and safe with her

 

[Neowise]

feel like it looks like I'm not trying If I bring it up again

I feel the same. I am in therapy and don't know how much I want to tell her if I have another major depressive episode like I had in the beginning of the year. It would make me feel like I made no progress in therapy and would be afraid that my therapists thinks she wasted her time on me. People always consider me a waste of time, I don't want her to think the same.

 

[LostLily]

Had three counsellors in my life and my 2nd one ended so badly that I was so afraid to tell the third one about everything.

For third one, she was nice but most of our post(it was through BetterHelp) was me ranting about normal date to date stuff and we both got to the point where we both agree that our session was at a standstill

Now flash forward and now I'm just resorting to posting on this forum. At least I don't have to be afraid of what to post here.
Will probably try again before I try to ctb.
I'm just afraid I'm so far gone at this point, because I already have a plan and my Sn is still in the mail.

 

[GlassMoon]

I also struggled to bring up these thoughts, feeling I was expected to know better than thinking about CTB, and to be generally expected to apply the coping strategies. Circumstances made me read about the theory behind those thoughts, and in my case, they simply occur when the feeling of being in a crisis gets so strong that I see now way out. They can even be considered intrusive thoughts then. Other theoretical models explain that differently, but I like this one because it takes away the feeling of guilt about these thoughts.

I think oftentimes it helps to compare mental illness to physical illness. Image you had broken your leg and were recovering, then you could always tell your orthopedist about pain in the leg nonetheless. In the same way, I believe that thoughts about CTB are a symptom of depression, just like being sad most of the time can be a symptom.

I'm really glad that you feel seen and heard by her, I sometimes doubt whether my therapist truly sees me. She might be able to help you find the reason for those thoughts. For me, knowing that the crisis is the reason, I can now recall that these thoughts are coming because I feel helpless and need to learn to ask for help, or get myself to be angry with the people who don't help me instead of being angry with myself. At least in theory, we'll see how that works out in practice...

 

[cazza82]

I also struggled to bring up these thoughts, feeling I was expected to know better than thinking about CTB, and to be generally expected to apply the coping strategies. Circumstances made me read about the theory behind those thoughts, and in my case, they simply occur when the feeling of being in a crisis gets so strong that I see now way out. They can even be considered intrusive thoughts then. Other theoretical models explain that differently, but I like this one because it takes away the feeling of guilt about these thoughts.

I think oftentimes it helps to compare mental illness to physical illness. Image you had broken your leg and were recovering, then you could always tell your orthopedist about pain in the leg nonetheless. In the same way, I believe that thoughts about CTB are a symptom of depression, just like being sad most of the time can be a symptom.

I'm really glad that you feel seen and heard by her, I sometimes doubt whether my therapist truly sees me. She might be able to help you find the reason for those thoughts. For me, knowing that the crisis is the reason, I can now recall that these thoughts are coming because I feel helpless and need to learn to ask for help, or get myself to be angry with the people who don't help me instead of being angry with myself. At least in theory, we'll see how that works out in practice...

Yeah I definitely found a good counsellor I was literally self sabotaging because it was like I was waiting to be let down or shit on by her she said she would never do that I even spoke to my drugs counsellor to that didn't go so well I finally trusted them after being stable for so long and they let me down big time and I haven't heard from them since that was weeks and weeks ago once that trust is gone I'm not interested trust is a massive deal to me. I think because I'm not high as a kite on drugs and look normal and ok they weren't interested but I only told them because I can't hide it anymore I've been clean for 18 years telling them I had a load of the drugs to ctb and them not doing anything about it it's disgusting to me my counsellor doesn't deal with that kind of thing but she's even helping me with that I couldn't get rid of them myself I just couldn't do it so she offered to let me bring it all in so she could dispose of it and she did not need to do that I will be honest I don't know what she sees in me for her to of got permission for more sessions but she did I appreciate it but when you feel this way like no one cares your all alone people tell you how useless and that nothing you do is ever good enough makes you think does she see something different I've never felt safe in a long time and in that office I feel safe she's very disarming like I said she actually sees me

Had three counsellors in my life and my 2nd one ended so badly that I was so afraid to tell the third one about everything.

For third one, she was nice but most of our post(it was through BetterHelp) was me ranting about normal date to date stuff and we both got to the point where we both agree that our session was at a standstill

Now flash forward and now I'm just resorting to posting on this forum. At least I don't have to be afraid of what to post here.
Will probably try again before I try to ctb.
I'm just afraid I'm so far gone at this point, because I already have a plan and my Sn is still in the mail.

I think I defo hit lucky with mine I had no intention of trusting or even liking her before I walked through her doors kinda makes me think maybe I'm not so worthless after all maybe

I feel the same. I am in therapy and don't know how much I want to tell her if I have another major depressive episode like I had in the beginning of the year. It would make me feel like I made no progress in therapy and would be afraid that my therapists thinks she wasted her time on me. People always consider me a waste of time, I don't want her to think the same.

Same I don't want her to think I'm going backwards but we can't help how we feel right

 

[LostLily]

I think I defo hit lucky with mine I had no intention of trusting or even liking her before I walked through her doors kinda makes me think maybe I'm not so worthless after all maybe

how did she earn your trust to the point she you open up to her?

My 2nd counsellor I found dismissive about my feelings she told me "you don have it worse than other people". Then she talked about my case behind my back (albeit she didn't use my name)to a third party and when I told her how upset I was she brush it off saying " depressive and anxious tend to overreact to things". And her apology to me was " sorry you feel that way".

No wonder I was so guarded with my third counsellor after seeing the 2nd I saw the third for years and never told her my suicidal ideation
1st counsellor was sweet and energetic but I was to broke to continue seeing her because I lost my job.

 

[cazza82]

She's just very warm genuine I never open up to people ever because it's always went bad so I stopped and the fact she hasn't given up on me she knows how important trust is to me. I don't really know lol there's just something about her like she genuinely cares it's not just a job. She didn't not have to dispose of the drugs for me it's certainly not in her job description but she wanted to keep me safe. I've definitely connected with her I just didn't think that would of happened at all and just the fact she actually sees me makes me feel I actually maybe could be worth helping I am worth something and I mean something when the people around me who are meant to be doing that instead they are the ones dragging me down ripping me apart to the point I didn't want to be here anymore my GP tried for months to get me to see her I was having none of it I'm so glad I decided to because my depression and anxiety was so bad. And just the fact I can talk to her about anything with no judgement well if I'm wrong she will tell me but that alone makes me feel safe and I haven't felt like that in a long time. I think it was October I started seeing her and for the first time in a long time she's given me a tiny bit of hope. Might be tiny lol but it's more than what I had before because I was ready to end it so up to now she's kinda saved my life I know I have a way to go it might get bad again but that tiny bit of hope she's given me when I was totally lost and trapped is making me want to try. You definitely have to have a connection

 

[hereornot]

I started today. More to fulfill the wishes of a friend. Who doesn't know my intentions.

I won't say anything about it to the doctor either.

 

[LostLily]

I started today. More to fulfill the wishes of a friend. Who doesn't know my intentions.

I won't say anything about it to the doctor either.

I'm proud of you

 

[Leichter Kampfwagen]

My therapy sessions are literally a joke. Today for half the time I was explaining to my therapist how him financing a motorcycle works and the math of how much it would cost him lmao. The rest of the time, like most of the sessions, was spent just talking about how I believe my life's experienced net present value is negative and how he thinks it could be positive. It's like banging your head against a wall. Basically every week I go in, bluntly state that I want to kill myself, and explain why I believe death is the best course of action, while he tries to come up with something to argue that MAYBE it's not. Over half of the previous session was me explaining (with my limited understanding) quantum mechanics to him. The session before that was teaching him how tariffs work. I honestly wish I could just keep listening to music in the dark on ketamine instead. I don't know if one can develop a tolerance for ketamine but it definitely doesn't make me near as high as it used to. Shame.

It seems to be in line with a pattern that this firm is milking my parents/my insurance dry. They've got me on meds with spravato and therapy sessions weekly. I have not improved one bit and have filled out the exact same scores on the PHQ-9 every week for probably over a year now. The last appointment with the psychiatrist and meds doctor was over 6 months ago I think, I don't even remember. I'm not saying it's their fault I haven't gotten better, I'm just saying I don't see how my parents haven't woken up to this.